t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

    Good evening cross watcher! Long time no talk, I hope you’re doing all right. I’ve been all right (more or less), I was very sick from the virus for my birthday but I’m thankful to be alive and well today. How about you? I hope you’re well, I hope this new year is treating you well so far. I hope you have goals and looking forward to a brand new start in life, just know that the world is in your hands and nothing can take it away from you (unless you let it). I’m writing to you today to tell you that since you are my only viewer, I’ve decided to close this chapter in my life until further notice. I didn’t like having to speak negatively all the time, this was an unhealthy habit that made me close my previous blog and I caught myself doing it again now. It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to me, I’m not an unhappy person because I’ve had plenty of moments that brought a smile to my face but I won't discuss it (I do the opposite with this blog). Maybe I might come back to...

   Good morning cross watcher!  Have things been treating you well during that Mercury retrograde period?  Remember!  If things didn’t go right you could always blame it on that instead, just kidding.  Did you think of any goals for next year yet?  Please consider taking the time to think of some because I know you can crush them, don’t let anything or anybody stop you from thinking you can’t accomplish anything.  I thought I was going to use this month to talk about the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing (10 years is a long time), but instead, I decided not to because it seems like nobody is really interested in that topic.  I don’t want to drag anybody else into the topic so I’m kinda facing this battle alone because I know nobody else would take this as seriously as I am, there are 2 people I could talk to about it that lost their fathers as well but I’d rather not do that to them.  Everybody is doing their own thing and h...

 We all have to go some time, but have you fulfilled everything you wanted to do in your life? Have you done everything life had to offer? What would you do if you had one last wish before you departed from the earth... and it was denied? Emphysema took my grandmother's life, and I went to see her as much as I could. I received a phone call on a Saturday saying that my grandmother wanted to stop the medication because she did want to rely on a machine for the rest of her life. After receiving that call I wanted to see her on a daily basis before she leaves us. That evening, it was the six of us in the room including my aunt and her daughter/my cousin. Throughout her hospital stay, she couldn't really speak. As we were taking care of her and realizing that her time was running short, she was given the hospital food that nobody could approve of. She asked for French Fries, the simple finger food favorite that millions of Americans eat every day. My aunt wanted to do whatever it t...

     Good morning cross watcher, how have you been?   I’ve been… there.   I’ve been trying to stay busy but I’ve been somewhat lonely at the same time, I kinda don’t want to talk about me right now if that’s okay with you (then why are you here right?).   Really though, how have you been?   Is everything alright?   Are you accomplishing any goals?   Do you have any upcoming goals?   How about goals for next year?   If you’re reading this, you’re doing alright.   Keep going, you’re heading towards the right direction to what you should be doing and don’t let nothing stop you.   You got this, I got your back.   These are words I haven’t heard in months, even from those closest to me.   Let me give you the background of what I’m about to post, this is my 150th entry for this blog site that was originally going to be posted on the one year anniversary that blog started.   But I thought I was writing it out of fr...

   Good evening cross watcher! How was your August? Mine was hectic, mentally exhausting. I’m not even sure if you care about me anymore but thanks for checking up on me anyway, I do appreciate it a lot it tells me that this blog matters to SOMEONE. I see that “area code 619” was view a few times, an interesting story isn’t it? Can I cut to the chase and tell you another story that took place 3 weeks later?   Someone once told me that flowers make everything better, that it’ll brighten anybody's day… tell that to my mother who doesn’t like flowers. When they randomly and out of nowhere brought them over and told me that they were for her, not only did it surprise her but me as well. My mother accepted these flowers and said thank you, we had to dig up a vase from underneath the kitchen (didn’t know we had it) to put them up. When my mother revealed where she wanted to place them, that was when I kinda had a look into the future. She said that she wanted it placed next to ...

    Good evening cross watcher!   I know it’s been a minute since you last heard from me (a month to this day actually) so I’m sorry to keep you waiting but I hope you’re doing alright and you are in good health.   I know you’ve been checking up on me every day (I check my view counter every day and it passed 1000 this week!), I’d like to share a little story with you really quick if you don’t mind.    Back in June a friend of mine expressed that she had not been to San Diego in 7 years and when she said this it had dawned on me that my previous trip there wasn’t a fun one either, so we both made the impulsive decision to book a trip there so we can explore San Diego for the night.   We spent the afternoon walking around Gaslamp Quarter (that’s where we booked the room), paid a visit to Chicano Park, walked near the convention center, and things of that sort.   We spent the day just talking about the errors of our past, the struggles within our he...

  Good evening cross watcher! How have you been? I apologize for my absence, I’ve been going through some major highs and lows with my emotions that I wasn’t sure how to discuss. Things are sort of starting to look up for me but I still see people being unhappy on social media and that’s been letting me down a little bit, it’s difficult for me to be selfish so maybe I should start (but don’t know how to begin). Not that I don’t care because that’s not true but I care so much that it feels like I’m in the wrong for being happy at times, you know what I mean? I’m not ignoring you and I haven’t forgotten about you, but ever since I wrote my last entry I strayed away from this blog because I let my emotions get the best of me when I wrote it (to be honest I was a little embarrassed about it). I can’t promise that it won’t happen again, but I will say that I will try to not write like that for a while. In any case, let’s move on.   How was your Father’s Day? If he’s still in your l...

 Today is the 10th anniversary of the last opportunity where I could’ve called my father on Father’s Day but I refused because I didn’t want to hear him intoxicated over the phone, saying this 10 years later I wholeheartedly regret it with all my heart and I’ve been fighting back tears as guilt has been clinging on to me like a leech. I knew I should’ve called him but I don’t know if it was my ego telling me not to call him because I was tired of hearing him feeling so defeated, I wish I didn’t lose patience with him because the broken man that I gave up on didn’t deserve the silent treatment I gave him the months leading up to his departure. I remember I was contemplating calling him for hours because it was the right thing to do but I was really drained from hearing about our yesterdays and how they were better, I missed them too but I didn’t want to live my life as he did. I was tired of hearing from someone who just couldn’t seem to get back, even if that person was my own fath...

What do you say to someone if you knew you'd never see them again? There's so much to say that you cannot say it any shorter. We're so focused on today based on yesterday that we do not think about tomorrow. We always think that everybody we know will be there tomorrow, what if they don't? We don't take everybody for granted because we feel that no matter who we know, that we don't need them when things seem to fail or that we'll replace them with somebody else. We're all original and we don't realize what makes us spark to others, we don't understand how unique we are and we never will. We don't understand the impact that others do for us until they're no longer in our lives, does it really take that long? Yes it does, I say that because it happened to me at my father's funeral. My parents separated in 1999, leaving my father to fall apart with his finances and within himself. He became more attached to alcohol as a way to escape his...

   Good morning cross watcher, how are we doing this early in the morning? I’m writing to you as a sleep-deprived man that keeps getting waken up by random fireworks throughout the neighborhood at odd hours in the night (it’s 3:24 am as we speak), that and with businesses being back up with very little drivers around they tried to charge me double to go to work so I declined. As to why these fireworks are happening this early in June is a mystery to me because I would’ve expected this towards the end of June nearing the 4th of July, I understand last week as their way to fight back again the police (when the protesting was hot) but this is ridiculous because the cops won’t even try to locate so they could get away with it. I’ve been documenting the fireworks happening and it usually starts around 8 pm, it lasted until midnight the night before but seeing how I can’t leave my house and it’s still happening is unacceptable. With no concern to barking dogs, crying babies, and tho...

(The following story is uncomfortable for me to discuss, it talks about the current happening in our country as we speak as well as a personal matter regarding a family member.   Please excuse any discomfort you might feel as I am going to open up about someone else’s past, thank you).    We all saw the video, we all felt the shock and angst that the footage brought to our hearts.   I knew there was going to be an outcry for justice following the video going viral but I didn’t think it was going to be this chaotic, and I for one can’t blame them for this happening.   It just seems like video after video after video nothing was being done and everyone just got fed up with it by taking matters into their own hands, the demand for justice was so strong that they had to issue a curfew in our city to keep things in order (many followed, many didn’t).   Between the looting, rubber bullets against protesters, burning down of businesses, and people being run over b...

  Good evening cross watcher, are you okay? How has your mental health been? Are you getting plenty of rest? That first week of June has been a rough one, not just for everyone but for myself as well. I’ve seen many things that withered my spirits, made me question some people’s logic/motivates, and made me appreciate every little ounce of sleep I got. I became the go-to person for others to reach out to when it comes to speaking about this recent uncomfortable topic, sending me videos whether I asked for them or not (which I didn’t), messaging me at all hours of the night because they couldn’t sleep either due to everything that the news and social media being bombarded with that’s keeping them from sleep. So many times I wanted to make a PSA tell others to refrain from messaging me only about the topic because it made me fall into depression, but no matter how exhausted I was I understood that people came to me because I have a non-bias approach to situations no matter how big or...

  Good morning cross watcher, how have things been with you? I hope things with you have been okay, I know we’ve had a really hard week considering everything that’s been going on with the news. Considering the virus and the battles with police brutality, the mind can only take so much. I really….. have not been well, and I can’t put it into words but I’ve been mentally and spiritually fatigued with everything that’s been happening. I haven’t been speaking to anybody about my thoughts and emotions regarding the issue because it’s hard for me to put them into words, I can’t even speak to you about it with you.. the person who is willing to listen to me. I refuse to speak with unprocessed emotions, even at this point, I have nothing to really say. I tried to make an entry about it and I couldn’t, and speaking about anything seems insensitive. There’s another story I want to write about that took place a month ago, I might focus on that.   Today is my best friend’s birthday, she ...

   Good morning cross watcher!! Before I start, I would like to say that I’m sorry for not reaching out until now. I’ve had a very mentally occupied week, with some ups and some downs but I’m alright overall.   Things are okay at my job, still trying to keep up with the speed of things but I'll get there eventually.   I have no real complaints to speak about at this time when it comes to my life (if I did it’s minor right now... delayed shipments but that’s nothing). Been playing some games more and walking a little more but I'm okay but besides that... How have you been doing? Have you been staying productive since we last spoke?   I hope you're feeling well and I hope your friends/family is too.   I hope you're mentally stable and that you don't feel like a prisoner at a hard time like this, I wish you nothing but the best during these difficult times.   Don't forget, you can do anything you set your heart out to do.   Don't lose doubt thinking ...

(Note: To those that complain about me always posting pictures of myself, aren't you happy that I didn't this time?) Robin's Reckoning is a two-part episode from Batman: The Animated Series in where it explains how Robin became who he is. About how his parents were killed and how Bruce Wayne (Batman) adopted him. Robin and Batman witnessed the murder of his parents and Bruce adopted him after seeing the relationship/comparison about his parent's death (in which he also witnessed himself about his own parents). I could relate to this story, but what makes it different is that I don't have a "Batman" related person in my life to guide/guard me. Robin's Reckoning in my eyes symbolizes how everybody wants me to fall, I feel like...... a circus full of people that want me to take that acrobatic leap for that rope to prove their points. A few people have faith in me but EVERYBODY is expecting me to fall, even if I do make it, someone already cut the rope to ...

   In a dream I had little more than a week ago, the setting took place where a large squared table was in the middle of a room and I found myself carrying a crate of records walking towards this table. Not sure why I was walking up to the table but I sat down and waited for someone to show up, not too sure who only to see that the person walking towards me with their own crate of records had a very familiar face: my best friend. In reality, this was someone I hadn’t spoken to in a half a year but in my dream she wanted to speak to me about music? I wasn’t sure what was going on or why I was here but I went along with it, I let her go first and she pulls out this record that we both liked. She talked about how she was introduced to it during a troubling time in her life and how it helped her push through the negativity, she also thanked me for introducing her to that particular album at the time. Then she said it was my turn, I pulled out this album that we both loved and she ...

   After I got word that many businesses were affected by the pandemic and were forced to work from home or stopped working altogether, I got in contact with an old friend who worked at an office at a school that had to be shut down for the time being. She hadn’t been working for a few weeks and her future seemed sketchy at the time, plus she revealed that she was going through a difficult time getting over a breakup. I thought this was a welfare check but turned out me getting in contact with her was a blessing in disguise because she was very depressed that day, throughout the week I remained in contact with her to lift her spirits and it seemed to work. Thankfully she got her job back (working from home) and I was able to have deep conversations with her to stop her from being angry at her ex-boyfriend, things were looking better for her and I was glad to be there for her during this trivial time in her life.   If this sounds bland, this is where it’s going to interes...

You know what's harder than getting respect? Being accepted. You know what's harder than being accepted? Being yourself. Since when is giving your best not good enough? Since when is being yourself not good enough? It's becoming easier to embellish who you are than ever before, it's to the point where the people close to you don't know who you are... or who they are. I knew who I was until the people closest to me seemed unimpressed with every action I made, somehow it's becoming something to yawn at. It seems lately whenever that I think in my mind is amazing, it is unimpressive to others. What's also defeating is when I see others support each other no matter what ups or downs they go through, but everybody thinks I'm so "amazing" that I don't need it? This is not a cry for help/attention, but more like a reality check for those who don't understand. Just because I look solid enough to withstand upcoming challenges, doesn't mean I...

   Hello cross watcher, how have you been doing? I hope things with you have been good, I’m writing this on a Saturday night believe it or not. I wanted to thank you again for taking the time out to read these entries, it really means a lot to me knowing that someone out there knows that I exist. Even though I don’t know who you are, sometimes I am curious and sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter because you are invested in my writing. I have no entries to talk about tonight, I just want to talk if that’s okay with you. Not that I don’t have anybody to talk to but what I’m about to say is a little personal. We’ve had an extremely heavy week dealing with brutality, the virus still claiming lives, and icons leaving us within 24 hours. But for some reason, I’ve been feeling unmotivated since the beginning of the week to the point where I had to call in sick one morning because I felt like the life was sucked out of me, not that I lost purpose in life or anything like that but...

   Heartbreak will make you do some pretty insane things, good thing I kept the anguish to an absolute minimum. Knowing that materialism is the unfortunate gateway to cure my heart and seeing the person that I wanted to spend my time with wants nothing to do with me I thought the next person I could look after: my mother.   Even though I considered getting something I had been holding off as well, I wanted to get her Christmas gift early (even though I got her something else for Christmas 2 months later ) but I figured this would be a "just because" gift.   I wanted to get myself some lights to color my room to match my moods, this was from the same company that I had been using my photography for on sight lighting.   I purchased a pair for our living room so my mother wouldn’t have to reach for the switch all the time (it’s awkwardly placed), my brother disapproved of it at first because it “wasn’t bright enough” but I didn’t care it was mostly for our mother....