What do you say to someone if you knew you'd never see them again? There's so much to say that you cannot say it any shorter. We're so focused on today based on yesterday that we do not think about tomorrow. We always think that everybody we know will be there tomorrow, what if they don't? We don't take everybody for granted because we feel that no matter who we know, that we don't need them when things seem to fail or that we'll replace them with somebody else. We're all original and we don't realize what makes us spark to others, we don't understand how unique we are and we never will. We don't understand the impact that others do for us until they're no longer in our lives, does it really take that long? Yes it does, I say that because it happened to me at my father's funeral.
My parents separated in 1999, leaving my father to fall apart with his finances and within himself. He became more attached to alcohol as a way to escape his current troubles and from reality altogether, leaving him to be more unreliable than ever. I thought I would start my life just with my father until he dropped me off at my mother's house saying that he would pick me up tomorrow and tomorrow never came for him. I developed a closer bond with my mother since my father wasn't able to support me anyway. The older I became, the less I saw him & the more he changed. I was irritable about his false promises and no shows. He would not ever admit defeat, but he never wanted help either. Every time we spoke it either turned to depressing sob stories or guilt trips about how I changed and how I stopped talking to him. I didn't want to see/hear him kill himself. On November 18th 2010, my nightmare became a reality.
November 18th, it happened on a Thursday. I had woken up to go to work, I started the day fresh and ready to get the day over with. I had realized something my life on my way to work I had written on my twitter at the time stating: "Sometimes I lived most of my life through the experience and example of others, it helped me avoid some of the mishaps that were up the road." Of course, I was referring to my brother & my father. There wasn't a day that goes that I didn't think what he was up to, waiting for that moment for him to turn around. Hours into my job, everything was going pretty normal as possible. Until I received a random phone call, one from my cousin from Georgia? (she never calls me). Something told me in the back of my mind to pick up the phone, and I did so... My cousin asked me how I was doing, and I told her I was doing alright? (I was still wondering why she called me out of the blue). She broke the news to me saying "Kai... your dad passed away last night.". When she said that, EVERYTHING froze. The world in front of me turned into statues, this very gray world before my eyes. My heart ached so badly, somebody just shot me then I blinked and everything was back to normal just to realized that I dropped my customers change. I gave them back their change & ran outside. I got back on the phone and my cousin couldn't tell me much either, just that he died in his sleep. What just happened?
On the day of his funeral, I had never been more scared in my life. There were so many things I wanted to say to him but couldn't/didn't. The service did not even begin yet and I was already more afraid to see what was to come. When I had seen the (closed) casket, I was already terrified to see it open. Because what was I supposed to say after 24 years of being his son? What am I supposed to say besides "Good-Bye"? "Good-Bye" does not come close to being good enough to say for it is your last time seeing this man. I kept thinking what to say to him one last time that my mind drew a blank, I kept staring at the casket thinking what would best say 24 years in the simplest way possible. Still scared and anxious, I think I know what to say to my father one last time when I come face to face with him one last time. That was until they opened the casket I became scared for my life because I didn't want to see him. I ran outside becoming terrified to see him one final time was too much pressure for me to contain, everything I wanted to say him drew a blank. I knew my sister did not have the strength to see my father one last time, I wanted to do this for us. Best condition or not, this will be the last time I get to see him.
When I returned to the funeral room, it felt like everybody was waiting for me to see him one last time. My mother walked up to me and told me "You don't have to do this", I told her "this would be the last chance I would ever get to see him". She sent my brother to assist me to see him because they saw that strength was a struggle for me. The more I walked up to him the harder it was to breathe, I kept thinking if this was the right thing to do but final confrontations are never easy. When I was near his body, my relatives saw that I pretty discontent with myself that my uncle ran up to consul me thinking that I wasn't ready to see him yet but it ended making the pressure that much harder. I cannot begin to express what went through my mind when I saw him one last time. The reality that he was truly gone was too much for me to control. You deny to yourself whenever I loved one passes away, not now... he's really not coming back. It was truthfully unrealistic, it's not suppose to be like this. All my years waiting for him to heal was gone, there's no way for us to start over and that's what broke my heart the most. I told my mom to pull me away because I couldn't handle it anymore, by me saying that tore my mother apart. My spirit was literally hit by a car, and I couldn't pull myself together. I haven't cried this much in years, which left me restless. My body still shook from the aftermath I just witnessed, my hands shook and not capable to hold anything properly, the blood flow of my body still trying to connect but unable to rewire itself back together, it was indescribable. After I calmed down, everybody wanted to rekindle with me and reconnect with me but I was in no position to pay attention or focus on anything. I just lost my father today day and tomorrow is my birthday, this is not the best time to talk to me.
Today, I understand how brittle life can be and how most of us do not value as much as we should. I feel like an outcast amongst all of my peers because nobody knows how it feels to lose their father. I got a lot of support and offers to speak about my loss, but pretty much turned down everybody because nobody would've understood through experience and I felt like nothing I would have said would come close to an understanding for them. Everybody around me wants to know how it feels, but nothing can prepare them for what's to come. It's a truly empty feeling, I'm still trying to piece my heart together. We've all felt lonely before it's nowhere near what this feels like, this can never be healed. It becomes easier day by day, but it's a slow process. I'll tell you one thing, you could feel however you think it might feel like... but nothing compares to losing a parent, it's the most absent feeling in the world.
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