Hello cross watcher, how have you been doing? I hope things with you have been good, I’m writing this on a Saturday night believe it or not. I wanted to thank you again for taking the time out to read these entries, it really means a lot to me knowing that someone out there knows that I exist. Even though I don’t know who you are, sometimes I am curious and sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter because you are invested in my writing. I have no entries to talk about tonight, I just want to talk if that’s okay with you. Not that I don’t have anybody to talk to but what I’m about to say is a little personal. We’ve had an extremely heavy week dealing with brutality, the virus still claiming lives, and icons leaving us within 24 hours. But for some reason, I’ve been feeling unmotivated since the beginning of the week to the point where I had to call in sick one morning because I felt like the life was sucked out of me, not that I lost purpose in life or anything like that but it was like my spirit was missing. I spent about an hour or 2 in the early AM being outside with the moon just staring and taking pictures of it, this was something I used to do whenever I was missing somebody (the staring at the moon off). I used to talk to the moon because I knew someone out there was listening to me, I didn’t know how because I knew somehow I wasn’t alone. After my dad passed away I kept thinking it was him for a while, I know he’s with me in spirit but I just need to see him and I knew he was looking at me. But this night it was different, I didn’t know what was wrong I just knew something wasn’t right. I tried to shake it off but ended up isolating myself in my room for nearly 3 days, I couldn’t tell if it was depression trying to creep back in or what but I’ve held it in as much as I could. With everything going on in the world that wasn’t helping much either, but what was I to do?
My first day back I was feeling pretty good when I clocked in as I started to work in my new area and trying to get the rhythm down, then suddenly and out of the blue my anxiety starts kicking in. Not sure why or what sparked it but it passed after about an hour or two so I didn’t really question it, then the next day the same thing happens but only this time it was lasting a little longer. I’m not sure what is coming over me or why I’ve been feeling weak and fatigued but I don’t want to admit that it’s from stress, where I was having trouble breathing as if I was in a tight space. I’m too afraid to go to the doctor because I’m not sure how I’d react know that I do (or don’t) have something and that I’d have to fight it alone. Not sure if something is really wrong or if it’s all in my head, either way, I hope better days are coming and I look forward to remaining positive during this turbulent time. This is all I wanted to rant about, I’m tired of complaining because it felt like it went nowhere. This is what happens when you have nobody to vent to, but I thank you for listening. I’m sorry but thank you, I appreciate this.
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