Today is the 10th anniversary of the last opportunity where I could’ve called my father on Father’s Day but I refused because I didn’t want to hear him intoxicated over the phone, saying this 10 years later I wholeheartedly regret it with all my heart and I’ve been fighting back tears as guilt has been clinging on to me like a leech. I knew I should’ve called him but I don’t know if it was my ego telling me not to call him because I was tired of hearing him feeling so defeated, I wish I didn’t lose patience with him because the broken man that I gave up on didn’t deserve the silent treatment I gave him the months leading up to his departure. I remember I was contemplating calling him for hours because it was the right thing to do but I was really drained from hearing about our yesterdays and how they were better, I missed them too but I didn’t want to live my life as he did. I was tired of hearing from someone who just couldn’t seem to get back, even if that person was my own father. What kills me the most is that (probably) would’ve been the last time he would’ve told me that he loved me (after a tirade of guilt trips), and knowing me I wouldn’t have said it back. I’ve had a lot of regrets in life and especially when it came to my father, but not calling him on Father’s Day 10 years ago is probably the biggest one…. and not telling him that I loved him enough.
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