link: The Oath - ONE YEAR

    Good morning cross watcher, how have you been?  I’ve been… there.  I’ve been trying to stay busy but I’ve been somewhat lonely at the same time, I kinda don’t want to talk about me right now if that’s okay with you (then why are you here right?).  Really though, how have you been?  Is everything alright?  Are you accomplishing any goals?  Do you have any upcoming goals?  How about goals for next year?  If you’re reading this, you’re doing alright.  Keep going, you’re heading towards the right direction to what you should be doing and don’t let nothing stop you.  You got this, I got your back.  These are words I haven’t heard in months, even from those closest to me.  Let me give you the background of what I’m about to post, this is my 150th entry for this blog site that was originally going to be posted on the one year anniversary that blog started.  But I thought I was writing it out of frustration, the more I was writing it the more uncomfortable I became so I stopped it entirely.  So I present to you, the unfinished version of: “The Oath: ONE YEAR” = 

 “It’s been a year ago since I’ve posted “The Oath”, the one that started it all for this blog. That post opened up a gateway of other entries as well as a revisited version some months later, rather than reviewing what “The Oath” is a 3rd time I thought of starting things off a little differently. Sometime near the middle of September, I was battling my emotions when it came to my frustrations, figuring out if not exploiting them was right or wrong. I was out with a friend very late in the AM where we were discussing things others rarely talk about such as life, death, and more interestingly… anger. Somewhere along the line, he asked me: “How do you deal with anger?” and I told him that I say that second thing that crosses my mind. The first thought would be reactionary and what my emotions are telling me I hear or see something I’m dying to respond to, the second thought is my logic speaking for me as opposed to pure impulse because it was a more disciplined response. This is a practice that I adopted from my therapist last year when she told me how people get angry in the first place, even though I speak from the heart I don’t want to speak out of emotion. I am pretty good at maintaining my emotions but I still refrain from possibly saying anything that I might regret, but at the same time, it feels wrong of me to feel any kind of emotional discomfort since it’s super uncomfortable for me (or anyone I’d imagine).

 Ever since the incident with how I lost my best friend, I have been extremely careful with how I displayed my emotions or even how I received anything that made me feel emotionally uncomfortable. I was scared to feel anything that wasn’t joyful in some kind of way, almost as if I made myself a prisoner of my emotions to the point where I couldn’t even cry. An incident took place that I can’t seem to shake off because once again I was to blame for this ending to transpire, an incident that could’ve been avoided if I was a little more patient. With someone in my life at the time who was excited to see the world through my eyes, I was excited to show them more to the point to where I was too anxious to finally reveal some news to them. I didn’t mean to wake them up because I thought they were awake but I couldn’t hold it in any longer, rather than being excited about the news I had for them they were more annoyed with how it was delivered. The criticism and the nitpicking were at an all-time high and I felt myself getting emotionally upset, the fact that I felt like I was being attacked by an opportunity that backfired was extremely deflating for me. I wasn’t angry, but I was in no position to be spoken to like that. The last thing was that said to me before I walked out of the room was that I had “a short temper”, I remained silent because my emotions were internally out of control. I felt defeated, disappointed, pretty much down for the count. I was feeling like a failure all over again because of the response I received, but I didn’t want to tell them that but I was internally battling with myself. I did not want to speak to them with ignited emotions because I was upset with myself and I didn’t want any more of their comments to escalate even further to take it out on them, I was responsible enough to acknowledge that I wasn’t in the right mindset to speak about what was bothering me but I didn’t know that a clock was ticking as this was happening.

 Some other things escalated that night but that’s not part of the story but unfortunately, they revealed later that night that we shouldn’t take things further because of how I reacted earlier that day. At this point, I was really upset with myself because I knew I screwed up but at the same time, I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. Previously, someone purposely wanted to make me angry and I let enabled them to do so and they left. And now someone said some damaging comments that I didn’t want to respond to and they left, what am I supposed to do and being right is still wrong? I thought to myself if “The Oath” had betrayed me for once…”

   I couldn’t bring myself to finish the entry or even post it on the day of that it originally intended to be posted, I was feeling more unsuccessful the more I was writing about it.  I still feel unsuccessful about it today because I’m not comfortable opening up to anyone at this time, not even you and I feel like I could open up about anything to you.  It’s just at this time I feel like nobody is truly listening to me and the view times I’ve asked for help it was turned down, so with that being said… I would like to close this a little early on my behalf. Whoever is reading this, I wish you the absolute best and I hope you get everything that you’ve been working for because you’ve earned it.  Until we link again… be safe.