t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

  My therapist once asked me: “Tell me something good about yourself”.   I told her that I was loyal because I stick to my word 90% of the time since I’m not one to retreat on those who need anything. I also told her that I don’t put my phone on vibrate when I sleep just in case someone needs to talk in the middle of the night, which has happened several times before and it felt good to be present (even though I lost some sleep because of it). Then she asked me: “Who’s there for you?” and I replied saying, my mother.   The follow-up question was: “Who else?”, I said music and video games.   And lastly: “Who else can you depend on if you really need someone?” I said no one.   It was then, they understood why I’m so adamant about helping people. She explained that I’m there for others because “you wish that people were there for you, you’re hoping for the same respect that you bring to others.”   When she said that the first thing that came to my mind wa...

   When my therapist asked me to define her, I told her that she was my ride or die.   When she asked me what that meant, I told her that she would never leave my side (and vice versa).   She was my best friend, we’ve been supportive of each other for 10+ years.   We spoke every night at 10pm because we understand the importance of hearing someone’s voice and human interaction.   If I ever did anything successful I made sure that she was there, I didn’t believe in sharing an achievement alone.   Anything I did or any opportunity I was about to endure I made it a point that she was involved, even with my travels I made sure she saw different parts of the world.      Every person has their faults, and she was no different. __________________________________ -  Written on 10/18/19 - My therapist at the time asked me to write about her and to describe her positives as well as her negatives but when it came to the cons I...

  Whenever I try to help my friend and his lady come to terms every time they fight because they’re too stubborn to think outside the box, I use “the finish line” method with them (I mentioned this before in “ talk to me ”). “the finish line” method is when I tell them that I’m trying to reach the goal but I can’t get there without them because this is a team effort, even if we have to walk or crawl our way there I don’t mind as long as we make it to the finish line together. This is something I wish I did on the last efforts with my best friend because we were so close to the finish line before she ultimately retired from the race. I regret letting the weight of our problems escalate to the point that it seemed pointless to continue to even finish, I was trying to stay strong for the both of us and kept going with the weight of the world still strolling along but when I looked back as I got close to the finish line I realized she was gone. I accumulated everything with no imm...

   (This is a direct-write to someone looking after me)   Good morning cross watcher!! How are you feeling?   Are you feeling gloomy like the weather?   Yeah me too, that’s all of us really.   We all are suffering whether we are sports fans or not because we understand how much of an impact this man has made for everybody around the world (especially for his city).   I know the person I wrote about in “ murky waters ” is destroyed by this, I do feel bad for her and any die-hard fan of his right now.   Other than the unfortunate news, are things going okay in your end?   I hope you’re not sick like me right now, I’m actually writing this at 4 in the morning because I’ve been in bed all day and decided to talk to you for a little bit.   Give you a little something to read on your way to work or bed or whenever you read these, hope you don’t mind that.   I hope my best friend is doing okay as well because for some reason I’ve been...

(The following story is going to dive deep into a dark part of my life that I do not like to revisit, it’s a deep look into a previously written entry .   This is not written to speak ill of anyone or to make anyone look bad but it’s to express how I felt about a situation that was not properly resolved, please do not take anything I say as a negative.   Thank you.)   When my father became an alcoholic in the early 2000’s it would be a lie if I didn’t predict that it would be the death of him, by the time his mother passed away I knew it was just a matter of time before his time might be coming around. When I received the phone call that he passed away in his sleep exactly 19 months later was the day my darkest fears came true, to this day I could never fathom the turmoil he had possibly gone through every day. I knew he passed away through an overdose of pills that he took before he went to sleep, but I found out a year later that he combined it with alcohol bef...

What is it like to temporarily stop time?   To have nobody in your world momentarily, to have your ears blocked so you don't have to hear anything.   To lose the ability to speak so you cannot respond to anybody.   To hear absolute silence, wouldn't that be the life?   Take it from me, I've been there and I love it.   And I'm going back either you like it or not, I'm not inviting you but I'm advising you to go.   But I wouldn't advise you to stay there for too long, you'll run out of air.   __________________________________ - This was written on 7/28/10. - "Hydro" is a series of photos that my best friend and I used to do for years that was done underwater. - The photo was shot one year later from the pool in my complex. - Found this achieved in one of my old phones

   (Direct write) Good morning cross watcher! Another Sunday, another chance for us to speak! Are you doing all right? Are you staying busy? Did you catch the flu just like everyone else? Most importantly, do you have any worries that are troubling you? If so I’m pretty sure you’ll get through it. You’ll conquer anything if you put your mind into it, don’t let anything or anyone tell you differently. Did you know that I’ve been trying to express my feelings about “ once ” for a long time but I just didn’t know where? I was in a lonely place when I made “ eclipse ”, and I couldn’t bring myself to emotionally go back there so I figured to post it anyway. If it makes the reader feel isolated that was the point of it, and I’m sorry for making you feel that way. I wrote a large chunk of “silent sprout” at the pier, I used the waves of the water to help cleanse whatever I was holding onto so it could help me let it go. I went back to the same place where I wrote “the distant a...

   When I joined instagram in 2014 it was to showcase my photography in another platform to see if my work would go further than it should, to see if I would be more appreciated there as I would on Facebook. I also wanted to use instagram as a networking station as well, speaking about it 6 years later I didn’t think it would get me as far as I did. instagram took me to levels that I never thought I could, from shooting celebrities to travel to shooting celebrities while traveling. These figures of status trusted me to shoot photos of them while they were doing their profession (typically music), they loved and appreciated my work so much that they would share it with the world which got me the attention of other opportunities as well. For about 3 years I was the favorite photographer around a lot of favorite Los Angeles based musicians, so much so that their fans became interested in me as well. That large fanbase came by the hundreds and, interestingly, so many people w...

  We all know that old saying: “One man’s trash is another man's treasure.” I wish there was a proper phrase for bad luck because this is not the best time for me to shine. It feels like there’s a black cloud following me or that I’m walking under a line of ladders, the fact is you get the point (I’ve been feeling like I’m bad luck). It especially doesn’t help that my many peers and the people around me seem to be having the time of their lives right now, they seem to be getting jackpots while I get lemons. As happy as I am for them it’s very difficult for me to be cheerful for myself at this time (because faking it takes a lot of effort), I don’t mind being behind the scenes but now I want to be hidden from everybody because I’m afraid that my bad luck will spread to others. Has a monkey wrench been thrown into my happiness or am I only seeing the negative about everything on purpose? Whatever it was I wanted it to change in the fall, now I’m not sure if asking for this year ...

   When I decided to take the oath last year it was to discipline myself from responding to those being negative towards me and not to react to their negligence, but not to give the silent treatment. Even though I do have the option to do that, I’m going to try to respond to them without any hostility in my voice like them. It wasn’t until I learned that the silent treatment can be a form of emotional abuse to the other party is where I really looked at all the times I did it in my life to others and how it could’ve hurt them, the last time I did it myself was two years ago after I asked someone to keep something between us and she immediately told others. She eventually apologized for her actions but the people that she told cut ties with me anyway, not sure if it would’ve made a difference today. I haven’t practiced this method since, because I didn’t realize how much it hurt them on the other end. We get so caught up on how much someone disappointed or hurt us that we...

  (Once again, this is a direct-write). Good afternoon cross watcher! Are good things happening on your end since I last reached out? Are you happy? Keep in mind that you’re not alone, I’ll be there in spirit if you ever feel lost. Are you cool with the “link” name? This way you know for sure it’s for you cross watcher that we way connect (get it?), plus I didn’t think it was right to call it an “interlude” like the rest. I know I would normally (while.. coincidentally) do this on Sundays but my best friend and I used to hang out on Wednesday’s as well, we’d have dinner every Wednesday night after she got out of a stressful day at work (I miss those and I hope she’s doing okay). Did you know that I wrote “ empty bottles ” in the dark after my father’s passing? I knew if I had to get to the core of my sadness I had to set the mood. The “ embracing ” story was replaced with another entry I made shortly after called “The Subject”, I might post that one day. Did “ january ” touch ...

   Do you know what it's like to carry around an empty bottle with you everywhere you go? The symbolism of things to be filled. Nobody pays attention to empty bottles, we just throw (or recycle) them away. Ever since my father's passing I feel like that I'm still holding on to it. But why would I hold on to a useless empty bottle for this long in the first place? Because he's the only man that could fill that bottle, and I've been waiting for so long. Through his struggles with money and alcohol I tried to wait for him, even though it felt useless most of the time. When I was younger, he would be the symbol of joy but in the later years to come to be my symbol of despair. My mother was always around, but after seeing all the supporting fathers out there for their kids I grew bitter about mine. I understand that some kids have not grown up with a father or father figure or tragically lost a dad altogether, but I was waiting for 10 years for my father to bounce b...

  It happened in the 3rd week of January where our president officially took his place in office, it was also the same time where the unthinkable happened next door to my best friend’s room. Her mother suffered a stroke while she was at home, luckily my best friend noticed and with quick action she called the paramedics immediately. Knowing that she’s the core of the family they all went into a panic, I was on standby the whole time just in case she needed any kind of support. Just so happened that one of our favorite bands released 3 new songs the same week her mom had the stroke, my best friend jokingly said: “If it doesn’t have this particular song in it I’m not interested right now”. But it did! These 3 songs helped her during her mother’s time in the hospital and even throughout her recovery when she returned home, these same songs would be featured on their album which dropped about 2 months later. What I’m about to reveal is something I kept secret from my bes...

One of man's greatest treasures is the embrace of watching a woman bathing. There is a hidden glamour about watching another woman take a bath/shower, their motions and chemistry upon there body movements is nothing more but alluring. With their unnatural seductive movements, a man could only think if she is doing if she's putting on a show. I'm not 100% sure if women understand, it makes you wonder if women feel the same way about us. Men cherish a woman's body to begin with, as universal as the female can be it's only natural for a man to feel privileged to watch any woman bathe. __________________________________ - This was written on 9/10/12, this was around the same time we were experimenting with nudes in the showers with photography.  I don't think I ever told her or showed her this, but I felt this way for a long time. - The photo was shot in The Cosmopolitan Hotel in Las Vegas as a test shot before the subject stepped in. - Found this ac...

  (I’m going to be direct with everything I’m going to say, straight from the heart.) Good afternoon cross watcher!! How have you been since we’ve last spoken? I still don’t know who you are (I might have an idea just don’t want to admit it), but I wanted to thank you again for reading up on my stories. I hope by you reading these you are learning more about me and my emotions with everything I’m saying, never embellished or a lie. I hope this new year is serving you well, and I hope for nothing but the best for anybody that is reading this right now. I believe in you and I will never stop rooting for you whether I know you or not, I hope you achieve whatever it is you’re trying to conquer. I wish you the best, and I know you’ll do just fine because you have my blessings.     I, on the other hand, I am not doing too good. I had a photo shoot on Friday night that was successful with everybody attending the event applauding my work and I’m very happy that they dug ...

  One thing about me some people admire but don’t fully understand is the fact that I am a fighter, I am the one in a million chance kind of a guy to hope that something good happens who doesn’t easily seem to quit. Unfortunately, that’s my vision with the impossible most of the time as well. I am guilty of being hopeful that bad situations turn around and somehow turn positive, wishful thinking at it’s finest. I was like that when I was younger and I am regrettably like that now, I do so because I refuse to hold on to the negative. Every falling out I've ever had I've never let go of them completely because there's always that small chance that anything can change with maturity and time, but what if that chance never comes? The reason why I’m bringing this up is that I recently keep having dreams of apologies and reconciliations when deep down it might not ever happen, and I don’t want to call these dreams nightmares because they feel too good for me to want to w...

  Did you know that It takes years for a clam to make a pearl out of a single grain of sand? If a clam can make something that precious out of something that little would you let it go? That’s how I view friendships, a priceless gem that two people can treasure which is valued by others. I hold onto every relationship whether it’s good or bad, not necessarily in terms of not letting go but I remember how we built this foundation from this grain of sand that turned into something grander. What is misleading to me is when the opposing party doesn’t view how grand this connection is or am I the only one that sees the bigger picture within us? If you’re aware of how hard it is to make a pearl can you imagine how easy it is to make an avalanche out of a snowball? How everything can tumble down until it’s unstoppable and somehow you’re caught up in it, that’s how I view misunderstandings that spiral out of control because anybody can get caught up in it like a spider’s web. Getting ...

  (The story you are about to read will be my first time revealing a situation that I’ve kept guarded for some time, as I unravel a snippet of a conversation that I wish I had a better response to while this whole thing was transpiring. I’m fully aware that this is difficult and scary to speak about but I should open up on how I really felt about this situation because I refused to when we talked about it the next morning after we had another dilemma. This is not to reveal “My Side of The Story”, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this at all. This is also not to make anybody look bad or to speak ill will of anyone if anything I’m going to point out my own faults within the issue.)    “When I ask you why you hold onto me when I hurt you, does that remind you of your father too? This is not to anger or upset you. I just want to know how it makes you feel when I talk about walking away.” This was something that my best friend said the morning after we had a nasty fig...

    What is it like to be afraid of something that you secretly want? A very common practice that people perform to each other on the daily, the gesture of reassurance that your existence is appreciated. It distinguishes respect among peers and shows that you are valued to those close to you because for a brief moment you are locked in someone else’s security knowing that you are free from any troubles you might have or that are coming your way. The thought of feeling missing is restored and the idea that you aren’t admired is to be proven wrong as you are held tight knowing that you are protected from your insecurities, for a mere few seconds the idea of “infinity” doesn’t sound so bad as you wish this moment never ends. The action where this tight bond between you and someone else somehow feels even closer when you know in your heart that nothing else matters than this moment right now. With open arms, you are welcomed to someone else’s trust as you are p...

   Sometimes I ask myself if I’m too sensitive to words or if others don’t realize how sharp their tongues are, I also question myself if I’m supposed to have a tolerance to their bold language or if this is not normal behavior. These are the thoughts that cross my mind every time something insensitive is said towards me, the moments where I could feel my limit is about to be triggered. The times where I have to question if the person speaking really understands what they’re saying, and the fact that I have to question myself for allowing this. I’m saying this because I know I can be blunt and direct with my words because I’ve been told by my peers that my way of sarcasm doesn't sit well to those who take things at face value, but I’m very careful not to hurt someone else’s feelings or to make them uncomfortable.   Although I might say things that could make another person’s ears perk up, I try to maintain the idea that I still can be approachable.   ...

   For the past 11 years, I would round up my personal favorite photos that I took of my best friend (who happened to be my muse and creative advisor of 13 years) throughout the year and make a book out of it.   I would use these books to showcase them as my portfolio as well because even though I have many shows and celebrities, she was always my best work.   I would painstakingly make these books month by month to see if the photo we shot were worthy to be seen as a widespread, it made me look forward to the next photo session to see if I could do something better than what I just did.   My shots were important to the viewer because I made sure that the backgrounds were captivating as well, so you could look at the whole picture as one and not just the subject.   Regrettably, due to my best friend and I currently cutting communication, there won’t be a book this year.   I figured rather than leaving it in the dust of what could have been, I will...