When I decided to take the oath last year it was to discipline myself from responding to those being negative towards me and not to react to their negligence, but not to give the silent treatment. Even though I do have the option to do that, I’m going to try to respond to them without any hostility in my voice like them. It wasn’t until I learned that the silent treatment can be a form of emotional abuse to the other party is where I really looked at all the times I did it in my life to others and how it could’ve hurt them, the last time I did it myself was two years ago after I asked someone to keep something between us and she immediately told others. She eventually apologized for her actions but the people that she told cut ties with me anyway, not sure if it would’ve made a difference today. I haven’t practiced this method since, because I didn’t realize how much it hurt them on the other end. We get so caught up on how much someone disappointed or hurt us that we fail to put ourselves in their shoes, and when we do it’s too late. I am disgusted by that behavior when I think about it now and I am sorry to anybody I practiced this method with, I understand that today.
My father was absent throughout my high school years since he only appeared in spurts, he came around more often during my freshman year but by my senior year it was during the holidays if that. Calling him was difficult because he was either never there and always intoxicated while he was on the phone, these phone calls would be lengthy as they would be filled with guilt trips and being stuck in the past. Not to mention the false promises that he would be there and he never showed up, whether it was embarrassment or forgot I always looked forward to someone that wouldn't be there. I started to grow bitter about him because he wasn't an imaginary character that I created in my head that no one can see, and I hated how the man I loved the most was disappointing me so badly. He wasn’t the father that I needed him to be because I still loved him, but I didn’t know how to tell him that he was hurting me. It wasn’t until much later where I started to decline his calls because I grew tired of hearing his agony towards the world and how it owed him something, it was then where the long 3-minute voicemails came in if I didn't pick up the phone. Had I known this was the last year that he would be here on this earth I would’ve taken those calls more seriously, because now I miss him and his voice more than ever. Everything that he put me through, all the heartaches and disappointments have been forgiven (but not forgotten). Because deep down I know he tried, deep down I know he did.
My sister came in communication with me more often after our father’s passing because we both lost something that wasn’t there and we realized that the closest thing we had to him was each other, so at that time we agreed to stick by one another as much as we could. Until one summer where my sister came to visit and she called my brother saying she was in town but didn't inform me only to have her leave the very next day, I felt betrayed the same way our father used to betray me by him saying he would be there and he never showed. When old wounds come back to haunt you they stick for a long time and I didn’t want this or her in my life at that time, so I avoided her so she could feel the same way I did that day. She even came by our house to try to talk to me and I still wouldn’t speak to her, so she could see how it felt like to be so close yet so far. It didn’t dawn on me that I was letting this stretch out for much longer than I should’ve and that I might be missing out on a lot of things in her life I probably didn’t know about. I had an epiphany at work about reconciliation and asked had to ask myself why I was still upset with my sister and it hit me that I wasn’t, so what was I holding on to? I reached out to her as soon as I got home saying “Let’s start over, slowly” and without hesitation, she immediately agreed. I don’t know what this new chapter for us will bring, but let’s find out.
I’m bringing this up because my best friend and I are currently not speaking to each other at this time, but I would love to hear from her. We didn’t have a proper closure or conclusion to our clash and she has no idea how I felt about the situation, the fact that I can’t speak to her about it hurts me the most. I recently had this feeling of reconciliation that something was coming back my way, I didn’t know why I had that feeling but I would hate to be disappointed to look forward to something only for nothing to happen. I thought about my sister on how hurtful it must have been to cut communication with someone knowing that I unable them to speak their truth and realized how wrong I was for doing that for all these years, I couldn’t be more satisfied knowing that she accepted me back and I apologize once again from the bottom of my heart for making someone feel that way. So let’s start over again, slowly. I can’t let my abandonment issues control me forever, so this is my first step to something new.
Previously: rhizome
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