(The following story is going to dive deep into a dark part of my life that I do not like to revisit, it’s a deep look into a previously written entry. This is not written to speak ill of anyone or to make anyone look bad but it’s to express how I felt about a situation that was not properly resolved, please do not take anything I say as a negative. Thank you.)
When my father became an alcoholic in the early 2000’s it would be a lie if I didn’t predict that it would be the death of him, by the time his mother passed away I knew it was just a matter of time before his time might be coming around. When I received the phone call that he passed away in his sleep exactly 19 months later was the day my darkest fears came true, to this day I could never fathom the turmoil he had possibly gone through every day. I knew he passed away through an overdose of pills that he took before he went to sleep, but I found out a year later that he combined it with alcohol before he took his eternal slumber. For years (and even to this day) I still question if his death was accidental as the autopsy reported or if he was so depressed that he could’ve intentionally taken his own life, I had been questioning that for years even during my darkest moments. I had attempted to find the truth behind his passing off and on for 8 years only to find the result to be “deferred” every time, so I have to accept his passing for what it is: accidental overdose from a combination of sleeping pills and alcohol. When I reveal to others the cause of my father's death people understand my dedication to stray away from drugs and alcohol but on one early Friday morning one person took it too far, and it was the person closest to my heart that would take it there.
When someone I held dearly came home later than usual on a work night and I had expressed to her that I wished she would be more responsible with her timing, I was saying this because she worked a 9 to 5 and I didn’t want her to express how tired she was throughout the day. I was remaining calm (or trying to) throughout the conversation as she grew frustrated with me because she mistakenly felt that I was attacking her, but in return, she reversed it by saying hurtful comments towards me. I admittedly shouldn’t have let this conversation drag on as long as it did but she refused to see my point of view as I was growing frustrated by this as well (I take responsibility for that), the problem is when she gets angry she will say irrational things out of anger with remarks about how she wanted to suffer and end her life. She was saying things to try to make me angry because she was upset and it wasn’t affecting me until she made a comment (that I won’t repeat word for word) saying that she would take her own life the same way as my father did, how I didn’t respond out of anger to that remains a mystery to this day (truthfully it’s because I was sticking to “the oath”). When I expressed my sheer disgust and disappointment from the low blow remark towards me and she immediately apologized for it, she even tried to call and FaceTime me to express how sorry she was but I wouldn’t pick up the phone because I was trying to keep my cool. This conversation lasted nearly 3 hours leaving both of us emotionally drained and tired, I was still in shock about what she said about my father. Truthfully, I was not angry about the comment about my father at all. I was just really taken aback and very surprised that someone I really cared about would recklessly say that about my dad, the best word I could say is that I was numb. Going back to that conversation today I could see how she thought I was nagging and that wasn’t my intention at all, I was honestly trying to look out for her I just wish she thought my approach wasn’t to demean her.
It wasn’t until a month later during another argument that was starting to spiral out of control where I revealed to her how I really felt about that comment about my father, I expressed that her words cut deeper than she thinks and how hurtful it was to hear that remark was coming from her mouth. She understood the journey of my father’s death from the phone call about the news to bringing the urn home and by that being said by the woman I cared the most for next to my mother and it wasn’t registering with me at all, it wasn’t until the next morning after our fight where she finally wanted to discuss it but that was also the first day of my anxiety so I was not fully prepared to speak about it. I was wrong for holding on to her hurtful comment for so long because I was too afraid to reopen that door and feel that anguish again, I was afraid to explain to her how senseless it was to speak ill will of my troubled father (once again, I was withholding). I kept asking myself if it was wrong of me to defend someone who was absent for a good portion of my life, that all changed when my father asked me to forgive her in my sleep and I respected his wishes. Even though I wasn’t truly angry about it, the disappointment was so real that I couldn’t come to terms with it. I had forgiven her already but my dad asked me to let it go, so I won’t bring it up again in a fight (if we ever talk again). As I mentioned before if I have forgiven her for her thoughtless remark, the truth is yes I have.
“I need you to feel emotional with me too because I’m hurt when you get on me about this”
“I triggered something deep in you”
“I know what I did”
“Sorry”
“But I felt cornered and I know your weaknesses”
“Because I don’t think straight when I’m angry”
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