flare gun

  My therapist once asked me: “Tell me something good about yourself”.  I told her that I was loyal because I stick to my word 90% of the time since I’m not one to retreat on those who need anything. I also told her that I don’t put my phone on vibrate when I sleep just in case someone needs to talk in the middle of the night, which has happened several times before and it felt good to be present (even though I lost some sleep because of it). Then she asked me: “Who’s there for you?” and I replied saying, my mother.  The follow-up question was: “Who else?”, I said music and video games.  And lastly: “Who else can you depend on if you really need someone?” I said no one.  It was then, they understood why I’m so adamant about helping people. She explained that I’m there for others because “you wish that people were there for you, you’re hoping for the same respect that you bring to others.”  When she said that the first thing that came to my mind was… Who was going to come to my aid once I turn on my bat signal?

  Can you imagine how defeating it is to send a distress signal and nobody seems to recognize your call for help?  Before I continue I want to mention that this is not geared towards everyone, just a select few.  As my mother keeps saying “It’s a sign of the times”, in regards to availability from others when you need them.  During my most isolated hour, I had to escape from the darkness of my thoughts. With nobody to run to or nobody I thought I could trust, I knew I could run to those who would always be there for me.  The only problem was they weren’t available nor did they understand my call for urgency, it was either since they didn’t get my hint or I was too afraid to ask for help.  Saying that they would get back to me but never called back, I have to respect other people's busy schedules and I would hate to pull them from that.  After the reliables failed to reach back, I kind of gave up on everybody else. I didn’t want to confide in my therapist because she felt like the only friend I had for 45 minutes a week (but that’s not at all true), thus began my return to literature.  

  Even though I’m not outcasted but it feels like it sometimes, I also acknowledge the fact that I did this to myself because I’m terrified to ask for help only to get turned down. It takes a lot for me to ask anyone for help or to even admit that I’m not okay, so when I was at my most vulnerable it was defeating for me to succumb to my loneliness. Even though I’m honored that people can trust me to help them whenever they are stuck or needs some kind of guidance but at the same time these are some of the people I really shouldn’t depend on when I need some kind of advice. When my therapist asked me: “Who else can you depend on if you really need someone?” As much as I don’t want to admit it but I’d have to say the man in the mirror, a few peers lack of awareness shouldn’t define everybody else (which I did).  It’s hard to be strong for everyone when they don’t want to be strong for you, so what am I suppose to do?