(The story you are about to read will be my first time revealing a situation that I’ve kept guarded for some time, as I unravel a snippet of a conversation that I wish I had a better response to while this whole thing was transpiring. I’m fully aware that this is difficult and scary to speak about but I should open up on how I really felt about this situation because I refused to when we talked about it the next morning after we had another dilemma. This is not to reveal “My Side of The Story”, but I wasn’t ready to talk about this at all. This is also not to make anybody look bad or to speak ill will of anyone if anything I’m going to point out my own faults within the issue.)
“When I ask you why you hold onto me when I hurt you, does that remind you of your father too? This is not to anger or upset you. I just want to know how it makes you feel when I talk about walking away.” This was something that my best friend said the morning after we had a nasty fight, and I am ashamed to reveal that I did not answer this question to her at all. I wanted her to speak out her frustrations and get out everything she could from the night before. I was trying to analyze and register everything she was saying before responding, she had my full undivided attention because nothing else mattered that morning. Regrettably, I was saying things like “Go on”, “Continue” and “Speak” because I didn’t want to disrupt her streak. Not the smartest move because it seems cowardly and heartless as if I’m stoic, I know. I was afraid to say anything to take her off course, it also wasn’t helping that this was taking place on the first day that my anxiety kicked in (before I knew what it was).
The truth is that every time she does talk about walking away it makes me feel like I’m not worth fighting for, the idea that she wants to detach so effortlessly after our 10+ years together honestly makes me feel worthless. I'm more appalled than upset, I’m not going to call her bluff because it’ll make it seem like her walking away was my idea. It hurts me that she only really says this during arguments so I don’t know if she says it out of anger or if she felt this way for so long, it puts me in a panic because I don't want to lose her so I would rather us try to work it out. The idea that I would have to fight for us to stay together makes me feel like her presence is only to benefit me, as much as it pains me to say but I’d hate to make her stay if she honestly felt that way. I held onto her because she’s worth it to me, I would've let her go if she wasn't. As far as my father goes, he left and she threatened to leave (and this is what sparked the argument that night before it took a turn for the worst). She’s well aware that I have abandonment issues from my father so for her to bring it up for herself terrified me even more, he dropped me off at my mother’s apartment saying that he would come back but never did and she wanted to make things better and ultimately ghosted me shortly after saying she wanted to try to fix what went wrong, how is this not the same thing? Why is it that the people I always care for want to leave me? I’m not angry about it (I never was) but I’m destroyed by it, because if my father and the person I wanted to be in my future deserted me then what’s the point of me trying with anybody else that’s family or not? I tried my best for her I honestly did, but if she feels like this isn't fixable then I can't talk her out of it.
I also learned that threatening to leave a relationship is very hazardous for anybody to hear and shouldn’t even be said at all (even out of spite), it leads to toxicity within the relationship even when things seem to be good. Because if you threaten to leave a relationship once, you can do it again as a go-to (which has happened twice). Instead of trying to push the person that cares about you away we mistake it as a plead for help from your insecurities, masking how overwhelmed your emotions are as a burden (which she wasn’t to me). One mistake I could admit for myself is something my therapist once said about anger: “We react because our first instinct tells us that something isn’t fair”, and when she talked about leaving me it immediately triggered me into a panic. The fact that we went from one argument that derailed to her all of a sudden saying that wants nothing to do with me tells me that she really shouldn’t speak out of anger and that I shouldn’t have taken her harsh words as personally as I did. I can also admit that I do not take threats for anybody very well, I blame myself for responding to that (or anybody else for that matter) as seriously as I did and that I need to understand that their reaction makes me react and that I shouldn’t do that (two wrongs don’t make a right). However, this method should never be used against anybody especially to those who are trying to help you with your issues. Because now our issues feel more like a collective that seems beyond repair when in reality we should’ve handled every issue one by one (which I’m still willing to do), it’s still possible but it takes two to tackle it together. If the best thing that ever happened to you looks at you like you’re the worst thing that happened to them, what are you supposed to do?
“I understand that much that when I talk about going away or leaving you, this causes you to become upset.” - My best friend
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