glimmer

  One thing about me some people admire but don’t fully understand is the fact that I am a fighter, I am the one in a million chance kind of a guy to hope that something good happens who doesn’t easily seem to quit. Unfortunately, that’s my vision with the impossible most of the time as well. I am guilty of being hopeful that bad situations turn around and somehow turn positive, wishful thinking at it’s finest. I was like that when I was younger and I am regrettably like that now, I do so because I refuse to hold on to the negative. Every falling out I've ever had I've never let go of them completely because there's always that small chance that anything can change with maturity and time, but what if that chance never comes? The reason why I’m bringing this up is that I recently keep having dreams of apologies and reconciliations when deep down it might not ever happen, and I don’t want to call these dreams nightmares because they feel too good for me to want to wake up. I would like to dig deep into my personal life to show you an example of where that logic kinda stemmed from if that’s okay with you, the story you are about to read is about my parents.

  It all started when my parents separated while I was in my teens, I was dropped off at my mother’s apartment until my dad could get his life better adjusted but somehow he never did. He was so depressed and unmotivated about how fast his life had crumbled down that he could never pick himself up out of defeat, instead of finding himself again he turned to drown his sorrows in alcohol. My mother was still bitter with him about his absence and why they departed in the first place, she eventually moved on with someone from her past a couple of years after they separated. Even though my dad was still going downhill and that my mom was finding interest in this new romance, I still had hopes that they would still somehow (MAGICALLY) work it out in the near future because I still had that picture of the perfect home growing up.  That was until my mother filed for divorce so she could have a possible future in marrying the new boyfriend, I knew this destroyed my dad’s spirits because he wasn’t the same after this. So with the hopes of my parent's marriage being somehow salvaged now a thing of the past, there was still hope for my father to get his health in check and overall become a better person so he could be the role model I always wanted him to be.  I really wanted him back in my life because I really missed my father being there for me like he used to, or that maybe he could find a decent job and let go of the alcohol once and for all (or tone down on it at least).  

  The death of his mother was the last straw of his recovery (or should I say his will to care about anything), I didn’t see him coming back after this because he was completely inconsolable but I never gave up hope on him because he’s still my father and I loved him.  When I got the phone call that he accidentally took his own life that was the real proof that he would never get better, a big part of me died as well that day knowing that little spark I was holding onto for him throughout all these years was extinguished. I still have those “what if” moments on if he had really had been taking care of himself how we might’ve been like today, not a day goes by where I don’t think about how I had faith in my father's well-being.  I stood strong for him and had been holding on for 10 years and I wasn’t going to give up on him any time soon, because I refused to accept what he became years ago and there was always time to change.  If I didn’t give up on my dad, what gives you the idea that I would give up on anybody else?  Is it wrong to be hopeful?  I hope not.  Am I addicted to pipe dreams? I wouldn’t say so.  Because I don’t consider myself living in a fantasy, but wished that things were better sometimes.  I’m not sure if things will ever change, but it would be nice... wouldn’t it?