t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

 Today is the 10th anniversary of the last opportunity where I could’ve called my father on Father’s Day but I refused because I didn’t want to hear him intoxicated over the phone, saying this 10 years later I wholeheartedly regret it with all my heart and I’ve been fighting back tears as guilt has been clinging on to me like a leech. I knew I should’ve called him but I don’t know if it was my ego telling me not to call him because I was tired of hearing him feeling so defeated, I wish I didn’t lose patience with him because the broken man that I gave up on didn’t deserve the silent treatment I gave him the months leading up to his departure. I remember I was contemplating calling him for hours because it was the right thing to do but I was really drained from hearing about our yesterdays and how they were better, I missed them too but I didn’t want to live my life as he did. I was tired of hearing from someone who just couldn’t seem to get back, even if that person was my own fath...

What do you say to someone if you knew you'd never see them again? There's so much to say that you cannot say it any shorter. We're so focused on today based on yesterday that we do not think about tomorrow. We always think that everybody we know will be there tomorrow, what if they don't? We don't take everybody for granted because we feel that no matter who we know, that we don't need them when things seem to fail or that we'll replace them with somebody else. We're all original and we don't realize what makes us spark to others, we don't understand how unique we are and we never will. We don't understand the impact that others do for us until they're no longer in our lives, does it really take that long? Yes it does, I say that because it happened to me at my father's funeral. My parents separated in 1999, leaving my father to fall apart with his finances and within himself. He became more attached to alcohol as a way to escape his...

   Good morning cross watcher, how are we doing this early in the morning? I’m writing to you as a sleep-deprived man that keeps getting waken up by random fireworks throughout the neighborhood at odd hours in the night (it’s 3:24 am as we speak), that and with businesses being back up with very little drivers around they tried to charge me double to go to work so I declined. As to why these fireworks are happening this early in June is a mystery to me because I would’ve expected this towards the end of June nearing the 4th of July, I understand last week as their way to fight back again the police (when the protesting was hot) but this is ridiculous because the cops won’t even try to locate so they could get away with it. I’ve been documenting the fireworks happening and it usually starts around 8 pm, it lasted until midnight the night before but seeing how I can’t leave my house and it’s still happening is unacceptable. With no concern to barking dogs, crying babies, and tho...

(The following story is uncomfortable for me to discuss, it talks about the current happening in our country as we speak as well as a personal matter regarding a family member.   Please excuse any discomfort you might feel as I am going to open up about someone else’s past, thank you).    We all saw the video, we all felt the shock and angst that the footage brought to our hearts.   I knew there was going to be an outcry for justice following the video going viral but I didn’t think it was going to be this chaotic, and I for one can’t blame them for this happening.   It just seems like video after video after video nothing was being done and everyone just got fed up with it by taking matters into their own hands, the demand for justice was so strong that they had to issue a curfew in our city to keep things in order (many followed, many didn’t).   Between the looting, rubber bullets against protesters, burning down of businesses, and people being run over b...

  Good evening cross watcher, are you okay? How has your mental health been? Are you getting plenty of rest? That first week of June has been a rough one, not just for everyone but for myself as well. I’ve seen many things that withered my spirits, made me question some people’s logic/motivates, and made me appreciate every little ounce of sleep I got. I became the go-to person for others to reach out to when it comes to speaking about this recent uncomfortable topic, sending me videos whether I asked for them or not (which I didn’t), messaging me at all hours of the night because they couldn’t sleep either due to everything that the news and social media being bombarded with that’s keeping them from sleep. So many times I wanted to make a PSA tell others to refrain from messaging me only about the topic because it made me fall into depression, but no matter how exhausted I was I understood that people came to me because I have a non-bias approach to situations no matter how big or...

  Good morning cross watcher, how have things been with you? I hope things with you have been okay, I know we’ve had a really hard week considering everything that’s been going on with the news. Considering the virus and the battles with police brutality, the mind can only take so much. I really….. have not been well, and I can’t put it into words but I’ve been mentally and spiritually fatigued with everything that’s been happening. I haven’t been speaking to anybody about my thoughts and emotions regarding the issue because it’s hard for me to put them into words, I can’t even speak to you about it with you.. the person who is willing to listen to me. I refuse to speak with unprocessed emotions, even at this point, I have nothing to really say. I tried to make an entry about it and I couldn’t, and speaking about anything seems insensitive. There’s another story I want to write about that took place a month ago, I might focus on that.   Today is my best friend’s birthday, she ...

   Good morning cross watcher!! Before I start, I would like to say that I’m sorry for not reaching out until now. I’ve had a very mentally occupied week, with some ups and some downs but I’m alright overall.   Things are okay at my job, still trying to keep up with the speed of things but I'll get there eventually.   I have no real complaints to speak about at this time when it comes to my life (if I did it’s minor right now... delayed shipments but that’s nothing). Been playing some games more and walking a little more but I'm okay but besides that... How have you been doing? Have you been staying productive since we last spoke?   I hope you're feeling well and I hope your friends/family is too.   I hope you're mentally stable and that you don't feel like a prisoner at a hard time like this, I wish you nothing but the best during these difficult times.   Don't forget, you can do anything you set your heart out to do.   Don't lose doubt thinking ...

(Note: To those that complain about me always posting pictures of myself, aren't you happy that I didn't this time?) Robin's Reckoning is a two-part episode from Batman: The Animated Series in where it explains how Robin became who he is. About how his parents were killed and how Bruce Wayne (Batman) adopted him. Robin and Batman witnessed the murder of his parents and Bruce adopted him after seeing the relationship/comparison about his parent's death (in which he also witnessed himself about his own parents). I could relate to this story, but what makes it different is that I don't have a "Batman" related person in my life to guide/guard me. Robin's Reckoning in my eyes symbolizes how everybody wants me to fall, I feel like...... a circus full of people that want me to take that acrobatic leap for that rope to prove their points. A few people have faith in me but EVERYBODY is expecting me to fall, even if I do make it, someone already cut the rope to ...

   In a dream I had little more than a week ago, the setting took place where a large squared table was in the middle of a room and I found myself carrying a crate of records walking towards this table. Not sure why I was walking up to the table but I sat down and waited for someone to show up, not too sure who only to see that the person walking towards me with their own crate of records had a very familiar face: my best friend. In reality, this was someone I hadn’t spoken to in a half a year but in my dream she wanted to speak to me about music? I wasn’t sure what was going on or why I was here but I went along with it, I let her go first and she pulls out this record that we both liked. She talked about how she was introduced to it during a troubling time in her life and how it helped her push through the negativity, she also thanked me for introducing her to that particular album at the time. Then she said it was my turn, I pulled out this album that we both loved and she ...

   After I got word that many businesses were affected by the pandemic and were forced to work from home or stopped working altogether, I got in contact with an old friend who worked at an office at a school that had to be shut down for the time being. She hadn’t been working for a few weeks and her future seemed sketchy at the time, plus she revealed that she was going through a difficult time getting over a breakup. I thought this was a welfare check but turned out me getting in contact with her was a blessing in disguise because she was very depressed that day, throughout the week I remained in contact with her to lift her spirits and it seemed to work. Thankfully she got her job back (working from home) and I was able to have deep conversations with her to stop her from being angry at her ex-boyfriend, things were looking better for her and I was glad to be there for her during this trivial time in her life.   If this sounds bland, this is where it’s going to interes...

You know what's harder than getting respect? Being accepted. You know what's harder than being accepted? Being yourself. Since when is giving your best not good enough? Since when is being yourself not good enough? It's becoming easier to embellish who you are than ever before, it's to the point where the people close to you don't know who you are... or who they are. I knew who I was until the people closest to me seemed unimpressed with every action I made, somehow it's becoming something to yawn at. It seems lately whenever that I think in my mind is amazing, it is unimpressive to others. What's also defeating is when I see others support each other no matter what ups or downs they go through, but everybody thinks I'm so "amazing" that I don't need it? This is not a cry for help/attention, but more like a reality check for those who don't understand. Just because I look solid enough to withstand upcoming challenges, doesn't mean I...

   Hello cross watcher, how have you been doing? I hope things with you have been good, I’m writing this on a Saturday night believe it or not. I wanted to thank you again for taking the time out to read these entries, it really means a lot to me knowing that someone out there knows that I exist. Even though I don’t know who you are, sometimes I am curious and sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter because you are invested in my writing. I have no entries to talk about tonight, I just want to talk if that’s okay with you. Not that I don’t have anybody to talk to but what I’m about to say is a little personal. We’ve had an extremely heavy week dealing with brutality, the virus still claiming lives, and icons leaving us within 24 hours. But for some reason, I’ve been feeling unmotivated since the beginning of the week to the point where I had to call in sick one morning because I felt like the life was sucked out of me, not that I lost purpose in life or anything like that but...

   Heartbreak will make you do some pretty insane things, good thing I kept the anguish to an absolute minimum. Knowing that materialism is the unfortunate gateway to cure my heart and seeing the person that I wanted to spend my time with wants nothing to do with me I thought the next person I could look after: my mother.   Even though I considered getting something I had been holding off as well, I wanted to get her Christmas gift early (even though I got her something else for Christmas 2 months later ) but I figured this would be a "just because" gift.   I wanted to get myself some lights to color my room to match my moods, this was from the same company that I had been using my photography for on sight lighting.   I purchased a pair for our living room so my mother wouldn’t have to reach for the switch all the time (it’s awkwardly placed), my brother disapproved of it at first because it “wasn’t bright enough” but I didn’t care it was mostly for our mother....

  Good morning cross watcher! We’ve had a crazy week right? I hope you’re doing okay, staying safe but at the same time getting some sunshine. Staying out of trouble, staying out of people's business, and hopefully not a victim of cabin fever. I have an interesting confession to make: For the month of April I’ve been hooked on video games, I’ve dedicated my time and days off to these 2 games that I’ve been looking forward to and I’ve been loving them ever since. Part of me feels ashamed that I shouldn’t be loving this but another part of me doesn’t think about the troubles in my life, I haven’t had this much fun looking forward to playing games in a long time. I’ve been a casual gamer for some time now and this is something new to me, I haven’t had any regrets about it at this time because I had a blast. Another thing is that it’s been interesting having a client again to help with a breakup, the best part about it is that she’s becoming less bitter about the aftermath because she ...

  There is a place in the middle of nowhere way down east of Lancaster (or is it Palmdale?) where I like to visit every once in a while that I’d like to call “Tranquility Place”, an old friend brought me and another friend there about 10 years ago when we just wanted to take a drive to the middle of nowhere. My best friend and I have been there at least 4 or 5 times and we fall in love with it every time we went there, it’s a magical place that hardly anybody knows about. It’s dark, whisper-quiet, the stars are visible and the moon lights up the sky since there is virtually nothing else nearby. Perfect place to be alone to collect your thoughts or to be one with the world, I try to retreat there once a year especially when the world gets the best of us.   Following the immediate and troubling events of “ spiral ”, the “ exits ” and “ sinking ” where my best friend and I were not seeing eye to eye on anything, I didn’t want to stay in this uncomfortable energy with her. Kn...

   Good morning cross watcher. Are we on week 5 or 6? Or is it 7? Who’s counting anymore? The real question is how are you doing right now? Are you doing okay? I’m fine, some good days and bad days but looking forward to better days. I’m actually speaking to you because I’m taking a break from this new game I got a few days ago, I love it. It was a long-awaited sequel that the hardcore fans had been waiting for, 26-year wait if I’m not mistaken. I spent April gaming more than anything honestly, not sure what to feel about that but it’s like a drug I’m not sure I should be liking. It’s been my recent retreat, a part of me feels at home ago but another part of me feels like I’m part of a social stigma that’s frowned upon. A lot of my peers aren’t contacting me, my mother is still paranoid (but not as bad as when it first started), and I feel like I don’t have many to talk to anyway. In the long run, I hope everyone is happy and staying busy while they’re doing their own thing. I...

Here are the original questions, in order: 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest? (Too many to name) 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? (I would only want to be recognized as an accomplished photographer, someone to say my name and the other person saying: “Oh yeah he’s dope!”.   I don’t set my goals too high, I’ve already somewhat achieved that so I’m good for now.) 3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why? (I do, because the way how things are today nobody likes to talk on the phone anymore.   I’m old-fashion so I like to hear the person’s voice that I’m speaking to.   So I have to keep things interesting vocally or they’ll regret picking up the phone.) 4. What would constitute a perfect day for you? (Any day I could make someone smile anywhere) 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? (During a walk after a rough day at work, and never.) ...