There is a place in the middle of nowhere way down east of Lancaster (or is it Palmdale?) where I like to visit every once in a while that I’d like to call “Tranquility Place”, an old friend brought me and another friend there about 10 years ago when we just wanted to take a drive to the middle of nowhere. My best friend and I have been there at least 4 or 5 times and we fall in love with it every time we went there, it’s a magical place that hardly anybody knows about. It’s dark, whisper-quiet, the stars are visible and the moon lights up the sky since there is virtually nothing else nearby. Perfect place to be alone to collect your thoughts or to be one with the world, I try to retreat there once a year especially when the world gets the best of us.
Following the immediate and troubling events of “spiral”, the “exits” and “sinking” where my best friend and I were not seeing eye to eye on anything, I didn’t want to stay in this uncomfortable energy with her. Knowing how everything happened so quickly at once and it couldn’t have happened at the worst time where we’re about to look promising between the 2 of us (or so I thought), I stayed secluded in my room in defeat while she was getting a haircut at my house downstairs the Saturday after the show. I thought about patching things up between the two of us by going to tranquility place so we can settle everything that was going on between us alone and away from any distractions, the only problem was that my best friend and the hairstylist stayed an extra hour and a half longer to do a tarot card reading. I failed to mention it to her that I wanted to take us there because I also wanted it to be a surprise, I knew she enjoyed the ride over there since it was a pretty straight forward drive up there. My mother grew frustrated that day as well because they were taking too long with the visit, something that was supposed to be about 2 hours or so turned into 4 (she felt cooped up in her room... we both did actually). With that much time gone I knew it wasn’t going to happen, we instead visited a friend for her birthday that I’ve known for a while on social media but never met for the first time as well. We finished the night feeling inconclusive like it had been for the past few days, with no direction on it getting better (or so she thought). I felt that this was our final chance to make things right and it didn’t happen, I blame myself because I really wanted this to be fixed so badly but nothing was working in my favor at the time. If I wanted it so badly I would’ve fought it but what’s the point if the universe wasn’t working in your favor anyway?
When I think about it today, I’m wondering if I’m still holding on to wishful thinking because I knew deep down us going there wouldn’t have fixed everything going on between us but something would’ve been resolved. I was anxious to get out of this rough patch that we were in because we were so close to going towards something better, and if nothing would’ve worked out then at least we could talk it out so we could express what we were really feeling at the time. I think that’s the part that gets me the most, the inconclusive ending. The fact that she was so stuck on how she felt about the situation without bothering to know about mine is the part that gets to me the most, maybe she was afraid of being wrong or knowing how much she really hurt me but that was the reason why I wanted us to go there… so we could alone with the stars. Maybe another lifetime, or maybe one day.
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