t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

  What is “ The Oath ”? The Oath is a method that I’ve been trying to practice for almost a year, it is a stance where I try not to showcase my anger or frustrations with others when I am put in uncomfortable situations. The Oath is the act of self-discipline where I don’t have to respond to others in the same fashion that they are towards me whether they like it or not, just because they are yelling and screaming at me doesn't mean that I have to do the same as well. The Oath is the willingness to not say the first thing on my mind whether it’s negative or not, the delay in my approach to others stems from me trying to have the right response to whatever is said to me. The Oath is the ultimate test that I had set for myself as a personal goal when it comes to my patience, not that I'm an impatient person but it helps me restrain myself from those that'll say insensitive things whether it's intentional or not. The Oath refrains me from reacting to whatever negative thou...

  This is my 100th entry, I didn’t think I would be posting 100 entries in 5 months (that’s practically 20 entires a month). This was also posted exactly 5 months after I posted the very first entry , I honestly didn’t think I would be using it this much but I’m happy that I have an outlet where I could express myself. With 10 revival stories and 4 incomplete entries that I never finished that means I have written 86 entries up to this point, I really didn’t think I’d make this many this fast but when you feel like you have no one to talk to at times where else are you supposed to go? No lying, no embellishing, no shaming on anyone else, just sticking to my experiences and my errors as a man from the last 6 months up to now.   I know the start of this blog started a little rough, I was still heartbroken from the split in the beginning. There are some entries I wish I had written with a better mindset like “ hemisphere ”, “ IX ”, and “ The 6th Days ” but I’m proud of m...

  I’ve never really been one to talk to others about my bouts with depression, I have in past tense but rarely while I’m battling it. Even though we live in a time now where we can freely express our mental awareness with no shame, I still keep my bouts with loneliness and depression a secret to others so I could stay strong for everyone else. I’m afraid to have someone seem like my issues seem as little or as big as the next person for them to say to “get over it” or “deal with it” because for them to lend an ear seems like the biggest favor in the world at times. These are the kind of people I would not come to for emotional support, or to ask to be held (or hugged) for a sense of security was especially out of the question. This particularly counts when it comes to my immediate family since they were never one I could come to with my problems, no matter what I say at what age I’m “too young to experience stress.” I remember even before my father’s unfortunate passing that I felt...

   Have you ever cared for someone so much that you tried to protect them by pushing them away from your situation? That happened to me some years back between me and some who could've been. After my parent's separation, my father hasn't been the same. He turned his life into drinking and depression, which was hard for a son to witness. But at the same time on my side, I had fallen for one of my friends & I could tell that she was starting to like me as well. We were taking things slow and decided not to rush things, which was alright with me. On November 1st, my dad's birthday turned out to be one that I wouldn't forget. I decided to spend the evening with him, shortly after picking me up he broke the news that he just got out of the hospital. That he spent his Halloween in the hospital due to him being sick from alcoholism, and as he was telling me this what was he drinking? A small bottle of Jack Daniel's. That seriously broke my heart, I was watching him...

  One thing that a lot of people don’t know about me is that if I have a bad experience with something, 9 times out of 10 I will attempt to try it again to either see if I will have a change of heart by seeing it in a different perspective or confirm why I didn’t like it in the first place.   Whether it’s food, music, games, or even people but whatever it is I have to try it again (except substances I won’t do that). It took me many years and many tries to appreciate pho because I tried it while I was sick and that changed my whole perspective on something I’d been missing out on for all these years, that's just one example of what I'm talking about.   I would revisit an album that I didn’t appreciate when I was younger to all of a sudden love it today, it’s things like that in which I love doing sometimes.   If I had a bad experience with someone somewhere, typically I would point the finger at the place rather than the person itself so when I try it again by m...

  Good afternoon cross watcher!!   How’s the weather wherever you are?   It's cloudy and gray where I am but I hope it's better for you (unless you're in Los Angeles too).   I left town for a couple of days ago to “ Oasis City ” and it was surprisingly comfortable there, when I started writing this I was actually trying to watch the sunset from my hotel room for the second time since I watched the sunrise as I wrote “t he song request ” and that was a magical thing to witness, I wish she was there to see it.   Have you been doing okay?   Has mercury retrograde been working in your favor?   I don't know about you but for some reason I’ve been feeling alright during this time (knock on wood), I am missing my best friend though wondering if she’s alright. Some moments of clarity came to mind during my forced vacation that made me realize if I’m better off speaking to no one at this time, but I’ll get to that a little later.... or now.   I’m ...

  Good morning. How are you doing? I hope you’re doing alright, not sure if it’s because of Mercury Retrograde but I felt the need to reach out and speak to you whether you (want to) see this or not. I figured it would be better this way if you found this than me calling or texting you, not sure if you would appreciate that right now. I’m speaking to you now while watching the sunrise from the hotel room that we stay in near Valentine’s Day each year during our getaway around this time, I wish that you could see this because it’s breathtaking. I was told by some people that you went back to your motherland, this is the first time in about 20 years right? That’s cool that you went, I hope you learned a lot from that trip about your family and heritage. I also hope you find happiness with what you’re doing whatever that is, you’ll succeed in whatever you do no matter what it is because I always believed that you could achieve in anything. And even though I'm not your favori...

Life seems to be about the impact we make on others and the reality or delusion that we are one in a million with others. We want to surround ourselves with the BEST PEOPLE so we could somehow be apart of that group too, we want to be accepted as being one of the BEST of the BEST even if we have to ease our way into it. Acceptance is key to a world of insecurity but rather than finding those we could possibly relate to we want to associate ourselves with those BEST PEOPLE who are known in the community for being great at something. Without knowing that some of the BEST PEOPLE in our lives are already in our lives, but still we search for someone who might be out of our league or in a different mindset to accept us. Some of the BEST PEOPLE in our lives are the ones that we don't have to convince to even acknowledge us, sometimes we get in over our heads thinking the world might like us because a certain particular few do. Some of the BEST PEOPLE in our lives are the ones that'll...

  I understand how much of an impact a rose can have when it comes to a woman, I’ve never had the pleasure to give it to one until a few years ago (but that was a to few women for an event). I wanted this to be the first year that I could give it to a particular significant other but when that fell through I thought to myself if it wasn’t really meant to be, my mom hates flowers anyway so it wasn’t like I had a plan B. But I thought about someone else that probably deserved it more than anyone else that I knew, and not because I wanted her to be my lady or anything crazy like that but because I knew she didn't feel appreciated in her life like me at the time. Maybe if I explain her character it’ll make more sense to you, because she’s a different kind of special.   If you had to look up ”lioness” in the dictionary you would probably see a picture of her, she is extremely protective of those she cares about as if we were her cubs and she’ll go the extra mile for t...

 Good morning CW (just like the network)! How was your Valentine’s Day? Did you get anything special? Or better yet, did you make someone feel special? Whatever it is, I hope you felt loved regardless. I had to do a shoot a show that night actually, kept me busy I guess. If things worked out last year I would’ve spent the shoot with someone special to me but maybe in another lifetime I guess, it was still a crazy night but I was glad I went. Have you been feeling okay? If you feel a weird shift for the rest of the month it’s because we’re about to hit mercury retrograde (when things mysteriously go south), just be patient and let nature take its course is the best advice I can give you. I still can't seem to shake off how things are leaving me feeling unappreciated lately, and it really doesn’t help that the energies/people around me aren't really helping the situation at all. So with that being said, I've decided to go away for a few days to recharge my spirit and hopeful...

   Oasis City is a place where your greatest highs and lows can become a reality. A place where everything felt like a dream. Where the nightlife can immediately transform everyone around you, where everything is limitless. Also known as "Sin City", but I call it an Oasis by how everything dramatically changes within an hour. It's the place you want to go if you want to escape from everything and everybody, without the aid of being homesick. A place where it's a party every day without having to wait for the weekend, scheduling is non-existent here. Everything here happens so fast to the point that if you blink you could miss a giant walk by. At sundown, this place is hypnotically turned into a neon light city, where the light of the party begins for the town. With a place that's labeled as "Paradise", you'd think that this would be the perfect place to be... think again.    I live for the night. I perform in any activity better after dawn, it'...

  We would talk on the phone every night at 10 PM before going to bed for more than 10 years, we would even briefly speak in the morning before she clocked in for work. It was important for me to have that human interaction with someone willing to have a conversation with about our lives every day, I know it sounds like much but it’s not every day where someone is fortunate to have something like that.   I looked forward to hearing her voice every night to clear out my thoughts of whatever was going on that day and her voice would soothe me to sleep, there were a few instances where we didn't speak to each other because we were upset with one another but that was only a handful of times.   When we started fighting and the phone calls stopped it became very difficult for me to sleep at night, so much so that it was nearly unbearable in the beginning.   When I didn't receive a phone call on the anniversary of my dad's passing seeing how I felt was hard to accept, ...

  There’s an old saying to ”Never Meet Your Heroes” that I never followed because I always made it a point to try my best to meet the people that put a smile on my face during my highest and lowest moments in life. What’s even more interesting is being able to work with those people that make you smile, when that happens part of you feels like you’re living the dream. To me, there was nothing better than returning the favor to those that made you happy, that felt like the perfect circle because it was an amazing feeling being appreciated by those that you appreciate.   It was like that for about 4 years where I would shoot the craft of the music being made and performed while they shared my work with the world to witness the magic of 2 great minds working together.   With a combination like this nothing can really go wrong, there was only ONE LITTLE PROBLEM.   From time to time, here and there, they would forget to give me my credit for the shots that I did for ...

  One of my biggest gifts happens to also be one of my biggest curses which that stems from me being a Sagittarius, which happens to be that I look at the positives in the negatives (and sometimes vise versa). For example, I recently dropped $5 from my pocket but I wasn’t mad because it made someone else $5 richer. Being optimistic is one of the toughest things to do because it means that you have to be extra patient when the world doesn't work in your favor, it means that you have to be mentally headstrong whenever life suddenly gives you a rainy day. Sometimes you have to accept the fact that even though you might not be at a good place right now you’re still content enough to learn from what you’re experiencing, some hard lessons come with a stronger mindset for the future. I’m one of those rare people that is always hopeful for a better tomorrow if today isn't working out the way you want it to, and if tomorrow isn’t looking good either there’s always the next day. People s...

  Good morning cross watcher!!! How's your first week of the new month? Are you content? Are you in good health? Do you have any plans for the rest of the month? Don't forget to stay busy and to not lose sight of your goals, you can conquer anything if you put your mind into it. I know you have love and support from everyone around you whether they tell you or not, I just wanted to let you know that I believe in you as well in case you lose focus. I figured one more person to give you confidence couldn’t hurt, right? Keep your head up and know that I have your back, you got this. I know I started doing some links on Wednesdays as well but I have been low in spirits lately, I did not want to speak to you if I was down in the dumps. I didn’t want you to feel the same way as I did so I waited a little longer, moments of emptiness and loneliness without really knowing what triggered it. I’m the one that’s supposed to uplift you and not the other way around but we’ll get to that lat...

I'm short, ugly and I stutter so how much worst can it be? My color is an easy target to be noted for stereotypical success and ridiculous assumptions for others to fear. Maybe people see me as a loser or some kind of a failure because I'm not like most (stereotypical) black men. Many people treat me like I don't belong, and I'm too unmotivated to go out of my way to prove them wrong. I was never this bad, I used to have low self-esteem but I'm at the point of my life now where I don't care. I feel terrible for those to have to speak to me because of my impediment that has to put up with them, sometimes I wish I'd were mute. I'm one of the most underrated people everybody knows and never wants to acknowledge. Materialism makes me feel important, how pathetic is that? I hate the way how everybody has to belittle me and show off things to unmotive me to announce my accomplishments.  Women can't stand me. They can't stand my voice, I'm not cut...

   Thursdays are usually my unluckiest day of the week, and it’s not superstition... it’s a fact.   The passing of my father landed on a Thursday, same with Michael Jackson, Prince and Aretha Franklin.   Every break-up I’ve ever had landed on a Thursdays, same with any form of bad news is usually delivered on a Thursday.   Oh, and I forgot to mention.   I was born on a Thursday, how unlucky is that? __________________________________ - This was actually written on 9/26/19, the same day I started posting on this blog for the very first time.  Same time as " opening track ", " The Oath ", " contemporary weight ", etc. - This was written weeks after our split and I became bitter with myself, I stopped myself from continuing this behavior and told myself that I would not speak this self-destructively ever again (or out of anger).  I refused to first this or to look at it again, but I'm revealing today my worst. - The title is a play...

  One foolish act that I’m embarrassed that I could admit that I do is that I would DEMAND an apology from my best friend every time that we fight, and I would always request it to be given to me the day after we have our argument. I’m also ashamed to admit that this is one of the very few times that I let my ego get the best of me because when my best friend speaks to me in a certain way I have her “fix it”. After all, she had a tendency to take things too far, that way we both are cooled off the next day and proceed with our regularly scheduled program from that day forward. During the unfortunate episode of “ fragile thin ice ”, my best friend knew that she messed up by bringing my deceased father involved in our misunderstanding. I was not angry but I was really shocked that she had sunken that low to try to make me feel the same way she did, I was calm and collected but I was still in disbelief. She tried to call me to apologize but I was completely speechless by the remark ...

(The following story will disclose my troubles with feeling isolated among peers, this will open a troubling time that I still struggle with today.    This is not to speak badly of other people in my life nor is it to make anybody look bad but this is going to talk about my tribulations of opening up and remaining silent.    Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this entry, thank you.)    The idea of what her thoughts are of me runs through my mind constantly every day hoping that she realizes that I’m not a terrible person, I say that because my idea of her isn’t bad either since we were just two people stuck in a rough spot (that’s how I view it of course). One thing about me that I will admit is that every bad fight we’ve ever had I’ve hardly ever gone to a 3rd party source to talk to us, call me stubborn if you will but I never wanted anybody else involved with our disagreements. The one time she did reach out to someone else the person she...