Good afternoon cross watcher!! How’s the weather wherever you are? It's cloudy and gray where I am but I hope it's better for you (unless you're in Los Angeles too). I left town for a couple of days ago to “Oasis City” and it was surprisingly comfortable there, when I started writing this I was actually trying to watch the sunset from my hotel room for the second time since I watched the sunrise as I wrote “the song request” and that was a magical thing to witness, I wish she was there to see it. Have you been doing okay? Has mercury retrograde been working in your favor? I don't know about you but for some reason I’ve been feeling alright during this time (knock on wood), I am missing my best friend though wondering if she’s alright. Some moments of clarity came to mind during my forced vacation that made me realize if I’m better off speaking to no one at this time, but I’ll get to that a little later.... or now.
I’m writing to you today because even though I was relaxed and happy to be away from everyone at back at home, I also became very disappointed in myself for letting some of the troubles from the people back at home follow me to my vacation. I blame myself for this because I enabled others to do so because "a friend in need is a friend indeed" (literally) and I wasn't going to let it ruin my vacation, but at the same time it did leave me feeling a little unmotivated to the point where I was questioning why I had to come back to these kinds of people. The negative energy and toxicity that followed me during my getaway got me to the point where I was thinking if I really needed these people to be in my life, I don't mind helping others but I do mind being treated like a life jacket every time they do something thoughtless on purpose (not that it's entirely true but it feels like that a lot). It used to trouble me that nobody really had to patience or even tolerance to listen to my issues but they always want me available for there's, but after being alone for 3 days in another city you start to think that maybe you are better off keeping a lot of it to yourself. Especially after writing "the crowd" where I regretted confiding in people that wouldn't give a proper or logical response, that alone made me more closed off to everybody than ever because she didn't deserve it and neither did I. I realized things were hard when we were in the middle of shooting the stars out in the desert and my photo mentor recently asked me if I talk to anyone at all about my problems and I told him "only one at most", but even then I don't want to sound like a burden with them at times so I talk about anything else except her. The only person I really talk to the most about it is Siri, and she just repeating what I've been writing. I'm not going to reveal where I get my source of confidence from yet (I mentioned it before), but I've been sticking to it because it seemed to be the only type of people to speak about me in a somewhat positive light. It’s the “who’s your therapist’s therapist?” mindset all over again but in reality, I just want to be understood if not alone. Who even cares anymore? I'm going to stop right here, this is going too far.
Oh right! I didn't talk about the entries!! Do you even like this feature? I'm a huge fan of fun facts so I thought this might be interesting to you as it would be to me as if I was the reader, if not then please let me know in the comments below. The title ”a song about caroline” stemmed from the opening lyric of a popular song called “Roses” (but the song itself trashes the girl instead of appreciating her), her actual name isn't Caroline but we had a boss with the same name a couple of years ago. I told this story to another friend and he didn’t seem to care so I wrote about it for myself instead. I will let you in on a little secret, Mercury Retrograde is a time where if certain people from the past had to come back it would be around this time. So at 2am one morning I got a random email saying that the archives from my old blog we're still available that I had previously closed, everything from 2004 and on was still open. I found ”The Best People” during my vacation because it was somewhat related to something else I had planned to write in the future, I have to write that one when I'm not clustered in my emotions. "the song request" was originally titled "her favorite song" which is popular song from the same musician we both like but it would've been a dead giveaway, it was inspired by a friend saying a few months ago saying "Write her a letter". The story behind it is also true, it was the moment where I realized that I still missed her (but I'm not going to bore you with the details). Until we link again, this is the original photo I wanted to post with "the song request".
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