the reply

  One foolish act that I’m embarrassed that I could admit that I do is that I would DEMAND an apology from my best friend every time that we fight, and I would always request it to be given to me the day after we have our argument. I’m also ashamed to admit that this is one of the very few times that I let my ego get the best of me because when my best friend speaks to me in a certain way I have her “fix it”. After all, she had a tendency to take things too far, that way we both are cooled off the next day and proceed with our regularly scheduled program from that day forward. During the unfortunate episode of “fragile thin ice”, my best friend knew that she messed up by bringing my deceased father involved in our misunderstanding. I was not angry but I was really shocked that she had sunken that low to try to make me feel the same way she did, I was calm and collected but I was still in disbelief. She tried to call me to apologize but I was completely speechless by the remark and had nothing to say, not only did she write me an apology the next day but she sent me a voice memo reading what she wrote. To this day I never responded to the email that she wrote/spoke for me, I just told her that I received it because we had something very important to attend to the very next day. Rather than writing down a response as a whole, I’m going to do things a little differently and break down parts of the email she sent to me. It goes a little something like this:

She said:

“I dislike apologizing over email / text / letters - This method always feels informal. The meanings get lost because the person reading it may be interpreting differently than having to hear me speak with sincerity or listen to my tone. I think this is the reason why our arguments often start over misunderstood Messages. I would rather tell you this over the phone or see you to discuss this, so the meaning doesn’t get lost. Since you refuse to speak at this time and are asking me to "fix" it, I don't have very many options.”

My response:

I completely agree with what she said because a lot of things get lost in texting without verbal interactions, I apologize as well for not giving her the chance to tell me over the phone because I just wasn't trying to hear it at that time. Many things were misunderstood in the text messages and didn't give her the proper chance to "fix it" but instead I buried it because the situation was that uncomfortable to me. So once again, I apologize for that.

She said:

“So I’m trying to understand the issue of being “irresponsible.” When I ask you to define that word, it becomes difficult.”

My response:

What I meant when I used the word “irresponsible” was that I wanted her to acknowledge and take action to the fact that she had a 9 to 5 full-time job that required her full attention the next morning, I just didn’t want her to make it a habit that’s why I used that word. I probably shouldn’t have used that word, to begin with, I was honestly looking out for her not trying to smother her with some kind of curfew. I know she can get carried away with time I was just asking her to be self-aware for the future, using the word “irresponsible” wasn’t an attack but I could see how she could’ve seen it that way. A complete misunderstanding from both parties, as always.

She said:

“When you talk about how disappointed you are when I am with other people, this makes me believe I’m being punished for having any friends. I’m reprimanded for having a social life outside of my routine.”

My response:

It was just the timing, that’s all. I trusted her when she was with other people it was just the timing on when she would hang out with her peers that bothered me, if she was unemployed or on the weekend I wouldn’t have minded but I didn’t want her texting me saying how tired she was the next morning. That was my biggest concern. As far as her friends went, she stated that some of her friends I’m not fond of and vice versa (which is true) but I’m not going to put a halt to those who make her happy. If I said “you can’t hang out with those people anymore”, that’s controlling and irresponsible. But asking her to be more aware of her time during a work night shouldn’t (so I thought), I was just looking out for her.

She said:

“I was put into a corner and I didn’t like the way it made me feel. I started speaking back to you out of anger, I started fighting back, defending myself from being cornered. And then I went too far, Again.”

My response:

Sometimes I wish she understood how much her words hurt, irrational or not. Just because you feel a certain way doesn’t mean that you could make them feel the same way too, I wish she expressed herself without reacting and saying impulsive things that could get us in trouble. It was not my intention to make her angry and I shouldn’t have continued if I was growing frustrated that she saw my point of view as she took it as an attack, I tried my absolute best not to call her names and intentionally hurt her but I definitely wish she wouldn’t attack without understanding what’s going on. 

She said:

“I thought being sociable and independent would be a good thing.”

My response:

It is, it’s crucially important. Even though we have our routines and we were always together she needs to have a life outside of me, if she felt otherwise then it was not intentional and I wish we had discussed it before. As far as her independence, she’s more independent than she gives herself credit for and I wouldn’t want to take that away from her.

She said:

“When you explain something to someone, you drive the idea into their skin so deeply that it hurts them. I understood what you said the first time, but our text continued. It could have easily ended, but I was annoyed with your responses.”

My response:

During the beginning of our split, two people actually brought this to my attention as well. I had no idea that I had a very impactful way of speaking to others, I honestly didn’t know that I could impair someone’s spirits with my deliveries and I apologize for that. I also apologize for letting the conversation drag on as long as it did, I didn’t want us to go to bed upset so the more responses she delivered the more I tried to clear them. You can’t respond if you’re annoyed or frustrated and that was something I’m guilty of as well, even though I kept my calm throughout the misunderstood argument I still let it linger much further than it should’ve and that made us both suffer from lack of an understanding but most importantly… sleep.

She said:

“I let anger and ego get away with things that shouldn’t have. I should not have ever talked about Dad, not even as an insult. that was an instant regret that I cannot take back and I am sorry it came down to that. It hurt realizing this, but I was experiencing unnecessary anger as a result of disappointments.”

My response:

I’m not going to get into again what I haven’t explained before, just know that when she made that grotesque comment about my father I honestly didn’t know how to respond because I was stunned by it. I could’ve been angry, upset, sad, but I honestly had to think to myself why she went that far. My mother once asked me to never speak about her family ever again no matter how much they annoyed my best friend that I am not to answer with a negative response, even though she has a hard time with them and they drive her up the wall my mother forbid me not to say anything bad about them but to let my best friend vent. I could’ve easily responded with a backhanded comment about her family but I wanted to be the bigger person by not retaliating with a similar response about her family, that would’ve escalated with more harsh words spiraling to nowhere. I’m thankful that she immediately saw her mistake and that she apologized for it, I hope she keeps in mind that she doesn’t have to be angry every time someone is disappointed in her. 

She said:

“I don’t expect you to approve of who I spend my time with, that’s just something I have to live with until you accept them, whoever it is.”

My response:

I really didn’t have a problem with whomever she spent her time with but the particular people she was around always liked being out in the extremely late hours of the night, I used to hang around them myself so I should know. And I am not pinning them as the target of her being out late (that’s not it at all) but it was her regard for time with her having to be at work in the morning was my only concern, whoever made her happy was none of my business.

She said:

“I am able to come home after an evening with you, half asleep at the wheel. I have done so numerous times to this point; I have to torture myself just to exit the freeway sometimes. The reason I decided to drive you back on restless nights, because I thought you wanted to share every minute you can with me before you come home. I make that slight sacrifice, so we can spend as much time being present. I’m sorry it’s like that, but know that this is the position I put myself in to make sure that you are safe too.”

My response:

To this day, I wish she would express how tired she would be so I could take the metro or Uber home. She needs to rest as well and shouldn't have to torture herself driving me so far to make sure I made it home safely where she’d have to risk her own by driving home half asleep, I'm super appreciative to this day for her doing that for me but I wish she spoke up sometimes because I would have a conscience if something happened to her on the way home.

She said:

“There were many hurtful things sent over text message this morning (or last night) that we could both do without. I am sorry for the way I reacted and talked negatively toward you. It was not right to either of us and I should have just let you express how you feel.”

My response:

I apologize as well for letting the conversation last as long as it did, thank you for letting me express my thoughts because I just wanted to address my concern for her not to pick a fight or to nag her into the late hours of the morning (but I understood where we got lost in the text as well so I can't blame you). I forgive her for her reaction and the negative talk, I just hope we don't have to encounter this again.

She said:

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

My response:

I’m sorry that I hurt her as well, she is forgiven (she always was).