the crowd

(The following story will disclose my troubles with feeling isolated among peers, this will open a troubling time that I still struggle with today.  This is not to speak badly of other people in my life nor is it to make anybody look bad but this is going to talk about my tribulations of opening up and remaining silent.  Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this entry, thank you.)

   The idea of what her thoughts are of me runs through my mind constantly every day hoping that she realizes that I’m not a terrible person, I say that because my idea of her isn’t bad either since we were just two people stuck in a rough spot (that’s how I view it of course). One thing about me that I will admit is that every bad fight we’ve ever had I’ve hardly ever gone to a 3rd party source to talk to us, call me stubborn if you will but I never wanted anybody else involved with our disagreements. The one time she did reach out to someone else the person she brought did not help the situation at all, which is why I never wanted others to be involved in our disputes. I can’t think of anyone that we both know equally that would speak to us without some kind of bias or favoritism, especially to have a middle ground where the result can tend to the both of us without influencing us to detach from one another. That’s where I came up with the idea of the both of us to attend therapy, someone who we don't know that could talk to us not only to tell us what we did wrong as individuals and as a pair but to also show us how we could improve together so we could prosper to a better future as one. Someone willing to help us during a turbulent time and not necessarily trying to make us depart, I can't trust anyone that I know of today that would speak to us the same way I would with some kind of hope or purpose without making them feel like they were doomed.

   When things between us took a turn for the worst, I wasn't sure where to go or whom to go to.  My first attempts to reach out for some kind of reliable guidance fell through leading me to personally reach out to a few mutual friends about the situation that we were in, I reached out to these people because we were all close and most importantly they were very familiar with us.  I told these selected few about what happened to gear more towards my end as the guilty party more so than her and yet they would still favor me when it came to the fight, this wasn’t what I had in mind when I confided in these people.  I trusted these people with my word to explain to them that there was trouble between us and a couple still had a very “FTB” attitude towards the opposing party, this got me really upset because it felt like they were turning on her and that wasn't the point of me reaching out for help.  Of course, a couple of them did point out how my part in the debacle wasn’t acceptable and that was what I needed to hear but I honestly didn’t appreciate how some "friends" tried to turn the tables around to make it seem like she was the primary suspect.  Out of the handful of "friends" that I spoke to about this heart-wrenching situation, only one of them gave me the words of wisdom that I was looking for. Telling me to keep my head up and to be hopeful in case things turn around, he also said that even if things don't turn around to just know that I'm not a bad guy and neither is she as couples fight. This was coming from a couple that broke up after a misunderstanding that they were too stubborn to fix and reconciled after 5 months later, and I kept their relationship in check ever since then (they fight a lot over misunderstandings, just like us).

   To be honest, I have not spoken to anybody about our separation since the beginning of October after the last (and only) positive message I received.  I've kept this extremely private for the most part ever since by not revealing it to anybody because I refuse to let another person take sides on a situation that I fouled up on as well, everybody is entitled to their own opinion but when the majority of the people have a harsh or negative way of speaking about what's going on you feel like you're the only one crazy enough to think that there's some kind of glimmer of hope. I've submitted myself to only confiding in my blog and my therapist (at the time) keeping these internal thoughts and feelings to myself because I refuse to let anybody speak poorly of her or to convince me into doing so.  Am I that stubborn to accept the truth that this is really how it's supposed to be or do I refuse to believe the perspective of how they view her?  Am I that foolish to protect someone that won't protect me or do I really believe that she's not how they're painting this portrait of her?  Do they not understand nor respect my feelings towards her or are they that protective to not think otherwise?  When it comes down to it in the end, it's not about what they think or what they feel but it's how I feel about it.  And my biggest regret is reaching out to "friends" with harsh responses with no regard to help the situation, with that and her not speaking to me I honestly became the loneliest man in the world.

   As the old saying goes… “two’s company, three’s a crowd”. Thus why I never wanted anyone to come in-between us in the first place or ever again, I'd rather be alone than to be surrounded by the negative truths of others which is why I've been alone for the most part.  She was the one that made me happy and I don't need their approval on my happiness because she was never a burden but I was one to her, that's something they fail to understand.