t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

   The one saying goes: “you don’t kick a man when he’s down”, I wish the women in my love life understood that.   It’s always when I’m at my most vulnerable is when I don’t get the support from the one I need it from, for her to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that she’ll make sure that nothing would happen to me.   Just to know that she would have my back during any tough situation with her security was something that I needed to hear, but the hint for closure wasn’t properly addressed.   Believe it or not, I kinda blame myself for this.    15 years ago when I was going through a traumatic experience with my father, I fell into depression after witnessing my father was slowly drinking his life away.   I thought of my dad not even trying to take care of himself was something I couldn’t get a grasp on, not even doing it for me.   When I tried to explain this to the girl I was involved with at the time she didn’t understand, then again I don’t think anybody r

   I recently discussed my history with the 3 magical words “ I Love You ”, but I have a more familiar history with 2 other magical words that are just as hard to say for some people.. and that’s “I’m sorry”.   Apologies are something that I take seriously because I’m not one to really fall back on a habit after I say it, I wish I could say the same for others because I take those words to heart.   I say that because I’ve been disappointed and even betrayed by people that I’ve trusted who have apologized to me only to do something foolish right after, it makes me question if their apologies are just for the moment and not a transition for their behavior.   Either way, it doesn’t mean that I can’t be truthful to my word.      I’m thankful not to be one of those people who’s ego is too proud right my wrongs, entitlement doesn’t get you far especially if you know the other party didn’t deserve to be hurt.   Because I know for me hurting and disappointing others emotionally destro

   In the middle of an October night during my slumber, someone grabbed onto my shoulder and said to me: “Forgive her son, I’ll be okay.”   As soon as I recognized that it was my father’s voice I immediately woke up and realized that there was nobody there.   Throughout the remainder of the day, I was trying to figure out if it was my subconscious telling me something or my actual father talking to me in my dreams.   It troubled me because something I thought I did was reminding me again in my sleep to do so, so why would it come up again in my most vulnerable state?     A very hurtful and senseless comment about my deceased father was said to me in the heat of an argument between me and someone I cared about a lot, the disbelief was so real I wasn’t even angry about it… but the stab to the heart was a lot deeper than words can express.   I say that because this person came to my aid the minute I told her my father passed away, she didn’t leave my side during my grieving perio

   Work, friends, money, and family.   These are the 4 things that help us maintain our everyday lives, and these are also the 4 things to brings out the best and the worst in us.   The great thing about these 4 things is that we could lean on one when the others fall short on us.   If money is short we always have our family, if we have a hard day at work then we always have our friends (etc. etc.).   You really can’t have one without the other which is the beautiful thing about it, but what if life gets the best of you and you don’t know who to point the finger to?    The best way I could explain is how I said it to my therapist, and they might use this method with their other clients (patent pending).   I call it “Mental Jenga”.   Imagine 4 aspects of your life (work, friends, money, and family) were playing YOUR game of Jenga, and each aspect is just pulling the pieces out bit by bit adding to the top layer hoping it wouldn’t fall on them.   And imagine those pieces were y

   I wanted to take this moment to say that I’m aware that I mentioned in “ opening track ” that I planned to speak about plenty of ups and downs, and so far I’ve been talking about nothing but the downs.   I figured since this is 20 entries in with no sunlight on sight that I should say something.   Although I do apologize for not speaking positively about things lately, at the same time I’m not really sorry because it’s helping me recover with the troubles I’m going through right now by expressing them (“sorry not sorry” is the term now for it).   But to whoever is reading this right now, I want to thank you for being patient with me.   I’m not being negative on purpose but journaling seriously helping me more than you would imagine.   I would like to remind my readers that NONE of these entries are written out of anger, or angst, and whatever is written out of frustration is usually rewritten with a clearer mindset before it’s posted.   It’s hard to get these emotions into

   If you have the power to say something that would almost put your therapist in tears then that should show you how much you’ve been repressed about something more powerful than you thought for all these years, my breakthrough almost broke her heart for me to say.   And it’s all because of one word, or a phrase that people say all the time but nobody tells me.   The fact that I do and don’t know what “love” is, still troubles me to this day.   But why do I want it so bad?   Maybe because I don’t know what it really is.    My mother is the definition of “STRONG BLACK WOMAN” (caps included), she’s the queen of surprises.   She always been the one to show her “love” to me in special ways, but she’s never been one to say it.   Ever since I was a little kid she’s never been the verbal type (or even affectionate), but she was always there when I needed something.   She always wrote it on my birthday cards, I look forward to my birthday cards from her every year because it’s the on

   Ever since I was in high school, I’ve been kinda iffy when it came to giving hugs to women.   I would always see the expression on most girl's faces when they gave hugs to people they weren’t really fond of, I was afraid of being one of those people.   Ever since then I’ve been extra selective on who I would hug, I don’t want to be seen as a creep.   It was to the point where I was more known for hugging dudes than women, the last thing I’d want to do is make a woman feel uncomfortable.   I was also known for bear hugs (to crack someone’s back) and for the infamous multiple slaps to the back, those were more humorous.   But I’ve also been cautious about who would give me hugs, on who can I trust to be this close to me.   Now in my 30’s, that hasn’t really changed.   It might sound weird for me to talk about this, but it’ll make sense in a minute… (maybe not).    I had a very lonely September, where it felt like life put a monkey wrench in my plans.   But what people did

   I mentioned a short while ago (in “ verification pitch ”) that I was going to propose to someone special to me for us to be official, because I figured it was time for us to be something more than what we already were.  Maybe I should clarify that a little more just so you could have a clearer picture on why I said that.    2012 was a pretty troubling year for me, I’d say a good 80% of it did not go in my favor.   I was having problems at work, problems with people I thought were my friends, problems with my family, and problems with the person I cared for the most.   The bickering between us just never seemed to end throughout the year, there were a few moments I thought we were really doomed.   One day, a manager pulled me into the office and saw that I was having a hard time at life and suggested I take a vacation, “Go to Las Vegas, somewhere away from Los Angeles!”    I called her up and had us book a trip to Vegas 3 weeks later, it really turned into a blessing in

   I’ve always been behind my best friend throughout her struggles, I’ve always tried my best to be there and to be her voice of reason whenever things in her life seem to go off course (because that’s what best friends do).   Throughout our 15 years together I’ve seen her ups and downs, but when she’s down she’s REALLY down and can’t seem to get herself out of that funk (apparently my moon is in Gemini so I relate somewhat).   I know 2019 had been a somewhat troublesome year for her, but I want to speak about 2 incidents where things might’ve transformed her to be a little more bitter towards whatever came her way.   Coincidentally, both of these incidents happened on the 6th day of April and May.    There was a mutual friend we had (who was also a Gemini like her) that wasn’t happy with her living conditions (just like my best friend), and she was in eager need to move out (ALSO just like my best friend).   They made a pact that if one of them found a place that they would t

   You know what I miss the most about my father? He wasn’t afraid to say “I Love You”, it was hard enough for me to even type that.   Why? Because I’ve been hurt numerous times by people that had no problem saying it, maybe to them it might mean something but to me it means the world to use that word.   My mother is not one to say that word either, but she’ll write it in every birthday card I ever got from her.   She said it once to me and my brother and it was so hard for her to say it that she cried, so hearing it from her and her side of the family was out of the question.   I never said it to the other person that meant the most to me, but I thought our interactions should’ve said it without words for her.   Until one night she was in a heated argument and she was screaming/yelling things at me, but out of all the things she said.. she said one thing the really surprised me: “YOU DON’T THINK THAT I DON’T LOVE YOU?!”   Hearing that from her actually shook me to the core,

   Have you ever looked at a movie poster and already assumed the ending without watching it?   Ever watched the beginning of a murder mystery and knew who the killer was before it ended?   How would you respond if your guess on how it ended was wrong?   The ending you thought was going to happen just by the look of it had a plot twist that you didn’t expect.   So my question to you is, why would you speak for someone else’s conclusion?   The same ending you probably wanted might not be the same as someone else’s, especially if you both shared the same story.. then you both should’ve came up with an ending that you both can agree with.    You don’t kick a man when he’s down, and you don’t assume what someone else’s remedy are once you hear their symptoms.   Would you judge someone at their worst?   How   much pain they’re really in?   How much are you considering the other person and what they might be going through?   Keep in mind that when you or the other person are hurting

   A good friend of mine recently said: “Fear Is Optional”, so that got me thinking... Is it possible something was created in your mind that could be bigger than what it is?   That your perception of something might be a projection to be worse than what it really is?   That the monster underneath your bed is a figment of your imagination?   We have the ability to make things as real or as big we want them to be, but it’s up to you whether you want to manipulate yourself to believe your own fears.   If so, get ready to fall into your own deception.   It’s worse than quicksand.    Someone recently said: “ The version of me you created in your mind is not my responsibility.”   When you hear of someone doing devious acts, do you believe it right away?   Or do you investigate to see if they’re as bad as they really are?   The problem with that is more people today believe in someone else’s faults too quickly, just one or the other and it’s usually the negative without question.  

   It never dawned on me that I might have abandonment issues until I had an epiphany while I had a discussion with my mother one Tuesday night, unfortunately it happens to be from the people that I love to be the ones to make me feel this way.   Although there been moments of abandonment in my teens, it wasn’t until it was in my mid-20’s is where it began to cut deeper.   That was where it was defined a little bit more,      In 2009 I saw my father three times, it was actually the most I had seen him in years (before my grandmother’s passing, my grandmother’s funeral, a random visit to his house).   For his birthday that year, I called him and he said that he would be home for the rest of the day.   I left work early, bought him a gift, begged my mother to take me up to his house, drove down there only to have someone else answer the door.   The unknown person that answered the door said that my father wasn’t home (even though he said that he would), I left the gift with the

   Pharrell once said in the song “Best Friend” from the album “In My Mind” saying: “You won't even know you hurt sometimes, until you in conversation it comes out in a line”.   My mother asked me a particular question and it unlocked something deep within me that I didn’t realize was troubling me more than I thought, it made me tear up because I had to revisit how I discovered I had anxiety.   I had described to her what that night felt like, I could tell from the expressions on her face that it was serious.   So it went down like this...    It happened on the 2nd to last Friday in August when I discovered that everything was crashing down on me all at once, and the worst part about this whole thing was trying to keep a smile on my face as if nothing was wrong. The day before I was feeling an unwelcomed foreign phenomenon that I haven’t felt in years, I thought it would pass over as the day went by but it hit me twice as strong the following night.   It didn’t take me unt

   What can make an extrovert become an introvert?   Feeling shell-shocked , anxiety, depression, (damn that's sad, literally) these are all things that fail to fade away in your inner fears.   It feels like I am going through a very turbulent period in my life, Virgo season left a very sour impression throughout September.   I’m having a hard time speaking to others, it seems like anything I say rubs off on people the wrong way and it makes me afraid to speak to anybody.   It also doesn’t help that people seem unimpressed with anything I do, just can’t seem to please anybody.   These are the thoughts of someone who’s comfort zone is being inclosed in his bed, the only place I can’t hurt anybody (or vice versa).   But everything I’m saying is a reality based on the insecurities in my mind.    The downside to this phase is that you feel quarantined from the world, where you can’t tell if you’re hiding from the world or recharging to empower my doubts with was outside my fro

   Being undefined for 10+ years left everybody in the dark, including us.   Defined as a couple by many (and doing activities as if we were a couple), we never labeled ourselves as a couple.   I did a few times to Uber drivers on the way to work to see how it would feel and it felt good to label her as my girlfriend, but I never said it to her face because I didn’t want us to be defined as a label at the time (or all this time).   If this sounds confusing it’s because of my sign, Sagittarius’s fear commitment like the plague since we like to roam free so much.   I never had my eye on another woman while she was in the picture believe it or not, although we fear commitment.. we are loyal to the bone.   The next step was always in front of us and we (or I) never took it further, my biggest fear was being an on again off again couple because we don’t take rough patches well.    I was afraid of us being official because of our fights, she would always be so quick to want to termi

    How many of you believe in karma?   How about those who believe in the phrase “What goes around, comes around”?   Now how many of you believe in cause-and-effect?   Now what would you say if people really do retaliate against the three things that I mention, it sounds silly but it happens.   Sometimes the lesson that they have learned after something happens isn’t enough, especially if they don’t feel like it’s justified in their benefit.   Some people will let the cycle of destruction continue until they get their way, the problem with that is that sometimes the other party doesn’t want to keep going.   There’s an old saying “touch me then I touch you back”, and that should be the end of it right? Wrong.   Instead you want to go to war because you were attacked, that’s your ego overshadowing your common sense.      The fight between your ego and your common sense is never one that comes out where either one will be victorious, I say that because their version of justice d

   My therapist recently told me “Whenever we respond to anger with a reaction, it’s our mind telling us that something isn’t fair”.   Typically, the first thought that goes through your mind isn’t the right one (especially if you’re upset).   You might want to say something that’ll get under someone else’s skin, to push their buttons and to make them feel as equally combative as you are.   Whatever it takes to get them off your back, that's the only thing that matters right now.     The action or the words that we speak when we are at our worst that are geared towards someone else sometimes cannot be reversed, because some part of them has now been scarred since you felt the need to strike.   It doesn’t explain why you do what you did, but you enabled all that anger and frustration to get you and released it on someone else.   Did they deserve it?   Probably.   Do you regret it?   Not right now.   The only thing that matters right now is that you have to hit someone where

   The first time I went to therapy was in 1999, it was during my parent’s separation.   Seeing my mom and dad not in the same picture/household anymore was something I didn’t know how to handle at 13, I remember it was on Thursdays at 4.   I remember 2 different sessions where my mom and dad showed up separately, my father came in first intoxicated and my therapist told my mother that was no point staying with him during the following session (according to mom).   But I do remember my therapist telling me at the time that a broken picture doesn’t mean that it’s the end of the world, and thinking about it 20 years later I realized he was right.   Even though I hated to admit it, I always wanted to go again… but didn’t want to pay that kind of money for it.    Fast forward years and years later, an altercation happened at my house between me and someone very close.   And even though things between us got a little messy, it was also misguided by the mutuals.   The mutual th