sinking

  Pharrell once said in the song “Best Friend” from the album “In My Mind” saying: “You won't even know you hurt sometimes, until you in conversation it comes out in a line”.  My mother asked me a particular question and it unlocked something deep within me that I didn’t realize was troubling me more than I thought, it made me tear up because I had to revisit how I discovered I had anxiety.  I had described to her what that night felt like, I could tell from the expressions on her face that it was serious.  So it went down like this...

   It happened on the 2nd to last Friday in August when I discovered that everything was crashing down on me all at once, and the worst part about this whole thing was trying to keep a smile on my face as if nothing was wrong. The day before I was feeling an unwelcomed foreign phenomenon that I haven’t felt in years, I thought it would pass over as the day went by but it hit me twice as strong the following night.  It didn’t take me until a few days later to realize what this massive discomfort was, and I didn’t realize anxiety could happen to someone like me.  Of course, it could happen to anybody but the timing that it occurred couldn’t have come at a worst time.  Even though it was a large venue jam-packed filled with people, I felt this claustrophobia closing in and getting smaller and smaller without knowing how to break out of it.

   The idea of having the fight my way through a drunk audience that refused to let me get the shots that the band wanted, thoughts of the altercation that happened 2 nights prior that weren’t properly concluded, feeling like a failure before the test, all this while feeling like I got kicked in the chest.  There was a point that I had to rest my head on a wall and some passerby's stopped to ask me if I was okay and I said no, for the first time in a long time…. I didn’t know what to do.  It was so bad that I had to call in sick the next day, the anxiety was so intense it was hard for me to sleep.  Although it was difficult for me to admit it to my best friend and to my mother, it was even harder for me to accept it for myself.  Admitting myself to treatment was the first step and it has been helpful, but I wish I could control it better.  And who would’ve thought… I’m telling you all this because my mother asked “Do you get anxiety during shows?” and it choked me up to answer.  But did it make me feel better talking about this now?  Yes. Is my anxiety getting better? Yeah.  Will I be cured? I hope so.