rhizome

   It never dawned on me that I might have abandonment issues until I had an epiphany while I had a discussion with my mother one Tuesday night, unfortunately it happens to be from the people that I love to be the ones to make me feel this way.  Although there been moments of abandonment in my teens, it wasn’t until it was in my mid-20’s is where it began to cut deeper.  That was where it was defined a little bit more, 

   In 2009 I saw my father three times, it was actually the most I had seen him in years (before my grandmother’s passing, my grandmother’s funeral, a random visit to his house).  For his birthday that year, I called him and he said that he would be home for the rest of the day.  I left work early, bought him a gift, begged my mother to take me up to his house, drove down there only to have someone else answer the door.  The unknown person that answered the door said that my father wasn’t home (even though he said that he would), I left the gift with the unknown person and left in defeat/anger.  Even though he called a couple days later to say thank you for the gift, I was still upset that he never mentioned why he left.  I was so upset that I didn’t call him for his birthday that following year, he would pass away in his sleep 2 weeks later.

   Two years after his passing, the relationship between my sister and I started this long-awaited connection during the unfortunate passing of our grandmother and our father.  So when our bond was at it’s peak, I got an unexpected visit from betrayal one Saturday afternoon towards the end of June.  I came home from work and my brother was leaving the house, I didn’t think much of it at the time.  After waking up from a nap I found out that my sister was in town and that she contacted my brother instead of me (she always favored him more growing up).  I was so heartbroken when she posted a photo of them together on Facebook, she texted me the next morning saying that she had to catch a flight back home and had to cancel our meet.  I was so angry that I took it out on everybody else except her, I learned my lesson displacing my anger to about a week later (I apologize for that, it was wrong).  It broke my heart that my sister was following the same trait as my father, as the old saying goes “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree”.  

   Life is filled with ups and downs, but finding someone that’ll never leave you seems to be the hardest thing to find.  It’s the people that have no problem telling me the L word are the ones that hurt me the most, that’s why I’m still extremely cautious saying it to this day.  Because if my own flesh and blood can hurt me like that, what about someone who isn’t?