The one saying goes: “you don’t kick a man when he’s down”, I wish the women in my love life understood that. It’s always when I’m at my most vulnerable is when I don’t get the support from the one I need it from, for her to tell me that everything is going to be alright and that she’ll make sure that nothing would happen to me. Just to know that she would have my back during any tough situation with her security was something that I needed to hear, but the hint for closure wasn’t properly addressed. Believe it or not, I kinda blame myself for this.
15 years ago when I was going through a traumatic experience with my father, I fell into depression after witnessing my father was slowly drinking his life away. I thought of my dad not even trying to take care of himself was something I couldn’t get a grasp on, not even doing it for me. When I tried to explain this to the girl I was involved with at the time she didn’t understand, then again I don’t think anybody really did at the time. I asked her to give me a little space so I could come to terms with what was going on, and ultimately she probably thought I was trying to push her away. At the time I focused a lot on journaling and trying to come to terms with my father’s addiction, after a 3-week hiatus from the world I accepted that his addiction wasn’t my fault and I had to leave his life into his hands. When I was ready to have her back in my life, she revealed that my absence leads her into the arms of another man (with a mutual friend believe it or not). So once again I felt alone, and she was enjoying every moment of the new guy's presence. The new guy even called me on my birthday that year, he gave the phone to her as well but I had nothing to say to her. She leaped over my gate to drop me off a gift at my front door the same night, no one has ever done that before (even to this day). About 4 to 5 years later, I received a random phone call from her saying that she finally understood what I went through with my father. And she apologized for not being more patient and understanding at the time, but we had both moved on since then. When my father passed away, she was trying to be supportive during my worst time. But someone else took her place.
After a really nasty scuffle between me & my best friend, I had this sinking feeling in my chest and couldn’t explain what it was. 2 days later my worst fears came to reality during a concert, I developed a heavy amount of anxiety and the world felt like it was against me. This was new to me and I didn’t know how to handle something like this, but I was also afraid to admit it as well. I know she was having a tough time too, so I didn’t want to pile more things for her to worry about by me saying that I might have a problem. And the day that I told her that I had anxiety was the last time that I saw her, the problem was that I didn’t tell her that she WASN’T the problem (does that make sense?) She assumed that I had a problem with her and went to extreme measures to make sure we didn’t speak about it, which intensified the anxiety because nothing was properly concluded (just assumed). To this day I still wish I told her what I was REALLY going through, so she could try to listen and understand that she wasn’t the problem. Maybe I was afraid to seem weak, or the thought that she probably wouldn’t as supportive as I thought during my turbulent period. Whatever the case was, it was a lonely experience. In the end, I don’t blame them (but would blaming myself by giving them the benefit of the doubt?). The problem with going through a tough time doesn’t make you stronger, it makes you not trust anybody with your heart… and that might be my fault.
“-side b track 1-” = My favorite DJ sampled a track from a group that he liked from the 60’s, coincidentally the original song (“Don’t Turn Away”) and the beat he made (“Don’t Turn Your Back”) using that song is the 1st track of the other side of the vinyl. Clever.
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