IX

   What can make an extrovert become an introvert?  Feeling shell-shocked, anxiety, depression, (damn that's sad, literally) these are all things that fail to fade away in your inner fears.  It feels like I am going through a very turbulent period in my life, Virgo season left a very sour impression throughout September.  I’m having a hard time speaking to others, it seems like anything I say rubs off on people the wrong way and it makes me afraid to speak to anybody.  It also doesn’t help that people seem unimpressed with anything I do, just can’t seem to please anybody.  These are the thoughts of someone who’s comfort zone is being inclosed in his bed, the only place I can’t hurt anybody (or vice versa).  But everything I’m saying is a reality based on the insecurities in my mind.

   The downside to this phase is that you feel quarantined from the world, where you can’t tell if you’re hiding from the world or recharging to empower my doubts with was outside my front door.  You might cut ties with the world as well because you don’t want to seem as weak or misunderstood, while neglecting to recognize that you might not be the only person struggling to go through something like this.  Feeling alienated among people that I trust is my next biggest fear, the thought of being criticized or judged by those closest to me frightens me.  It doesn’t help that I’m trying to make an impact with my family and I’m constantly being criticized on how different they would have done what I’m doing, it makes me question why I even tried to do something for my own blood.  With all the thoughts of rejection, I’m reminded that it’s a false perception that I’m feeding.  Even though I’ve lost my way, the ability to turn this around starts with me.

   But the upside to this downtime is that I’m finally having a chance to really reflect on everything that is going on in my life, it’s amazing how much you could see when you stay still sometimes.  Long-awaited moments of soul-searching are showing me new things that I didn’t notice before, like what my emotional triggers are and other things that bothered me that I’ve ignored before.  I typically reserve September to plan out the rest of my year, but this is the first time that I ever used it to reflect on what’s going on in my life.  All this while battling anxiety, it’s been a mess all over.. but we’ll get through it.

The Hermit is the 9th (IX) Major Arcana card in most traditional tarot cards, spoken as if the cards were upright and reversed.  Also this was speaking about my struggles with the ninth month of the year, which is September.