fragile thick skin

   In the middle of an October night during my slumber, someone grabbed onto my shoulder and said to me: “Forgive her son, I’ll be okay.”  As soon as I recognized that it was my father’s voice I immediately woke up and realized that there was nobody there.  Throughout the remainder of the day, I was trying to figure out if it was my subconscious telling me something or my actual father talking to me in my dreams.  It troubled me because something I thought I did was reminding me again in my sleep to do so, so why would it come up again in my most vulnerable state?

    A very hurtful and senseless comment about my deceased father was said to me in the heat of an argument between me and someone I cared about a lot, the disbelief was so real I wasn’t even angry about it… but the stab to the heart was a lot deeper than words can express.  I say that because this person came to my aid the minute I told her my father passed away, she didn’t leave my side during my grieving period when I wanted to be isolated.  She was there with me during my father’s funeral when I saw him for the last time in his casket, and even when I brought him home in an urn.  After everything I went through with his passing, why would she say something like that?  Because she was emotionally cornered, the same way a cat is cornered with a stance that is ready to attack.  After the hissing and the scratching, this cat was apologetic and we haven’t spoken about it for about a month.  I withheld it for a month to express to how her comments deeply affected me and she understood.  But after all that hurt and anguish, did it mean that I forgave her every though I thought I did?

   Truthfully, I have forgiven her.  Although her comments were beyond hurtful and unforgettable, she did apologize for things going too far…. numerous times.  Believe it or not, I was never angry about it in the first place.  I knew she was trying to get under my skin to push my buttons, I knew she was trying to make me angry but I wouldn’t succumb to it when she made those comments.  Even if we never speak again, I hope she never becomes that insensitive again towards anyone else.  Thankfully I think this is a one and done situation because we’re better than that.. both of us.  Even though I’m have forgiven her, I did it for my dad and I know he’s proud of me for doing that.  And to prove how serious I am… I wrote this near my father’s urn, I’m sure he’s nodding at me as I’m writing this.