t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

Here are the original questions, in order: 1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, who would you want as a dinner guest? (Too many to name) 2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? (I would only want to be recognized as an accomplished photographer, someone to say my name and the other person saying: “Oh yeah he’s dope!”.   I don’t set my goals too high, I’ve already somewhat achieved that so I’m good for now.) 3. Before making a phone call, do you ever rehearse what you're going to say? Why? (I do, because the way how things are today nobody likes to talk on the phone anymore.   I’m old-fashion so I like to hear the person’s voice that I’m speaking to.   So I have to keep things interesting vocally or they’ll regret picking up the phone.) 4. What would constitute a perfect day for you? (Any day I could make someone smile anywhere) 5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? (During a walk after a rough day at work, and never.) ...

(You could be stuck on a moment where things could take a turn for the worst or you could consider this a bump in the road because our history together is too great. The choice is yours.) Apparently, I had written this on a Saturday night. I thought about how friendships fall apart and how something so strong can break so easily, I must’ve not been able to sleep that night. I do remember when I looked this up I discovered that there was a U2 song based on what I wrote, the lyrics resonated a lot to what I was feeling at the time. I don’t mind showing people my vulnerability but I don’t like to show people that I’m depressed because nobody responds, this wasn’t gearing towards anybody in particular at that moment but if I had to sum up every falling out I’ve ever had this is what I would say to it. (If only you could see me today, you MIGHT’VE been proud of me.) I had written this on the day after Valentine’s Day as me and a DJ my best friend admired drove up not far from her house ...

   Good afternoon cross watcher!! Are you staying safe? Staying indoors? Is the heat getting to you? Is your power bill going to go up? Mine is. I hope you are safe and staying home being productive trying out new things or building something new (whether it’s physical or mental), keep in mind that we’re all in this together as try to get through a difficult period. I forgot to bring this up but this is actually our 25th interaction with each other, it’s been a pleasure speaking with you and I thank you for being listening to me during my ups and downs… mostly downs. I know I skipped the last link up and I’m sorry for that, I was dealing with an uncomfortable situation that some friends put me in. I was going to speak about it with you today but something interesting happened that kinda put a monkey wrench in my life and I’m not sure how to respond to it, I’ll explain that a little later.   If the ending for “ blocking ” seemed a little rough I want to apologize for ...

Sometimes I ask myself if my relationship with cats and humans are one and the same, always there as a "pick-me-up" but never really there for anything else.  Is it easy to hurt those that care for you? Or even try to care?  It seems like no matter how much I try to cater to others, I still get scratched at the end. Still not sure if I deserve it or not, all I know is that it's defeating when I look back at the damage that's been done. Life always seems easier for others since it's just being given to a lot of people in my life when their definition of doing something for themselves is getting someone else involved.   Value is thrown out the window when all you think about is how others can benefit you as opposed to how you both can benefit each other, it shouldn't have to be a struggle to think about someone else other than yourself.  I asked myself: "why do I try to show others that there's a different perspective to see things when they only see th...

(Keep in mind that everything that I am about to say is not me speaking for everyone, these are my beliefs and my feelings towards the topic.   Agree or disagree if you want to but this is something that has been on my mind recently, thank you for your understanding.)   I’m just going to go out and say it: I don’t block people. I have never blocked a person in my life, nobody in my life has ever bothered me so badly to the point to where I didn’t want them to see any part of my life because I always felt that if there was anything that people shouldn’t see... I won’t showcase it. If there was someone I didn’t want to be involved in my life I just don’t associate with them, even though I have a difficult time letting go of people that I have crossed paths with I wouldn’t close the book on them because they are a part of my chapter that could reappear later. I’ve never had a bully in my life and if I did my parents would make me face them head-on, that’s why I was never on...

   Good afternoon cross watcher!! Have you been doing alright? We have officially passed the one month mark with the “stay-at-home order” and people are starting to show their true colors, I’m talking to you to stay off social media for a little bit. The irritability of the world is getting the best out of everyone and I hate seeing everyone upset, that’s how we go crazy and we don’t want that to happen. Let’s just jump to the entries, shall we? (Sorry for being so short today).   When I wrote “ the mirror check ” originally it was going to be up to 10 but at the last minute I decided to push myself to 20 and it became difficult after about the 13th one, it was written to push myself to see the qualities within myself without someone else telling me what they are. I wasn’t feeling too confident about myself one night and felt embarrassed to reach out (the peers I have are a little cold at the moment because of what’s going on), it helped me out the next day believe it o...

  It was a couple of nights ago just after dawn when my mother and I heard a crash without knowing where it came from, it sounded like it came from downstairs and I checked within the house to see anything broken or out of place and found nothing. It wasn’t until the next day where my mother told me where she thinks what that noise was, there was a stack of vinyl records on the ground just laying out in our garage floor behind a hidden place. Many of them were sealed so I couldn’t do a throughout check to see if anything was cracked or damaged, but they looked fine for the most part. As to why those vinyl were there, they were placed there about a year ago after I had my heart broken from a team of artists who told me that I was no longer welcomed to work with them anymore , the sight of their work and sounds of their sophisticated music made me feel defeated as a person, artist, and friend that I had to remove their material from my room and iPod. All the records that I had purcha...

1.   I am not a failure BECAUSE I have the ability to make people laugh when they feel at their lowest. 2.   I am not a failure BECAUSE I don’t immediately turn people down no matter how much they’ve disappointed me in the past. 3.   I am not a failure BECAUSE I try to make someone smile at least once a day. 4.   I am not a failure BECAUSE my knowledge of trivia music, movies, and gaming is impressive to others, and with that, I stay hungry for more every day. 5.    I am not a failure BECAUSE I am not a quitter. 6.    I am not a failure BECAUSE I have the ability to listen to someone’s story without having an immediate bias, I’m not quick to judge because I want to give the speaker a solid answer at the end. 7.    I am not a failure BECAUSE I try to be reliable and to be as present as possible me to those who reach out to me. 8.   I am not a failure BECAUSE I have a high toleranc...

    Good morning cross watcher!! How have you been? Still trying not to go crazy? Yeah me too. I hope you’re well, as well as your family and loved ones. If you’re not working then I hope you’re staying busy during this time doing something productive, learning something new might come a long way in the future. I apologize for not speaking to you at all last week, I wasn’t feeling up to spirits nor did I feel like talking about it. Between everything that was going on in the world and moments where I felt like a winner and like a failure was a battle I kept private to the world. I would have moments where I feel like success is nothing if you no one to share it with then I feel like to let my success speak for itself and let it find me, either way, I’m stuck between the two.   “ denied peace treaty ” was written and posted exactly one year after I last spoke to the girl in the first paragraph, the same night the misunderstanding took place. I waited to see how I was ...

    Easter was a holiday we never really took seriously growing up because we never one to express our religious side to the world, it was just another holiday for the family to be together but we never once talked about Jesus during these family gatherings.   I was walking home thinking to myself if I ever had any memorable Easters and I couldn’t think of any, except one… that was negative.   I hid it so deep in my subconscious that I haven’t spoken about it in over 10 years to anybody, the only people that knew about it were the women in my life at the time.   Back in 2005, I didn’t really see much of my father because he went into hiding with his anger and depression with alcoholism, he was practically unreachable.   When I finally got in touch with him near the holiday, he said he would be at my aunt's house for Easter and he said he wanted me to be there.   My parents were separated at the time and it took was begging and convincing to my mother ...

I used to have very strong feelings for a girl named Moon Maroon. She always wore maroon, but she was as cold as the night. I don't think she really acknowledged how I felt about her, or put herself in my shoes. I know she had feelings for me somewhere, but kept herself distant from me by having unbelievable standards. I would watch her throughout high school and to this current day, but she wasn't the type of person to think twice about me. I don't know why I would be around her cruelty, displacements, and ignorance towards me, maybe because this was the closest I've ever had to love? I seriously thought it was meant to be and I could be who I am, but it seems like who I am was too "dark" for her. I finally realized that I needed to distance myself away from her, but she wanted me to stick around? For what? So I could be her sponge? Her punching bag? Her back-up? Did she really think that I would always be there? And be there for her? I need to depar...

   I’m not one to completely let go of someone after a misunderstanding or argument takes place because I don’t believe in something having to end due to 2 people couldn’t see something eye to eye , but the way how things are nowadays they’d rather be miserable without you than to let their ego be damaged by admitting that they might’ve been wrong. That was the case with someone we thought was going to be in our future until one unfortunate evening where things just dramatically ended, it answered the question as to why many people weren’t in her life when that transpired. I was most surprised and disappointed by her abrupt change of heart towards me, I understood where she was coming from but the cutthroat attitude was unnecessary. I wanted to give her time to cool off so it’ll give me some time to think on how my approach might’ve been wrong, I was ready to admit my fault with her on the misunderstanding so much so that I got a limited edition record for her of one of her f...

   Good morning cross watcher!! How many weeks have we been in quarantine now? How are you holding up? Have you been doing alright? The family too? I’m health is okay, I’m mentally and spiritually tired. I wish other people were happier during this time, I understand how and why they feel that they do (and I feel for them). I’m more than happy to look out for those feeling low in their spirits (which feels like everybody around me) but I’ve been hiding my true feelings, I just seclude myself in my room either playing pinball or finding ways to stay positive so I could pass it on to the next person feeling down. I know nobody is in a good mood these with everything that’s going on in the world so I get it, “keeping your head up” is easier said than done but it’s easier to drown than to keep your head above water so don’t easily succumb for everything’s going on (this goes for you too.. and me). I’m not looking for any kind of return from helping others as much as could (someth...

    I’m not one to often to ask help, especially when it comes to collaborative work.   With how accomplished I became as a photographer with shooting icons and people that put a smile on my face, for some reason it’s always been a challenge for someone to do something creative when it came to me.   My best friend had no problem sketching me in the past but for some reason when it came to photographs it was a problem, how do you find someone to work with you that’s not intimidated by your work?   I haven’t asked anybody for years to do that, I asked one person on a recent trip on my vacation and he agreed to do so… only if he didn’t forget to shoot me.   Instead of being disappointed with him, I realized that it probably wasn’t meant to be and took the initiative to try something I haven’t done in about 4 years.. shoot a self-portrait.   It wasn’t right but it taught me something, the same way how I could take the perfect picture of someone and not on...

    Good afternoon cross watcher!   How's this April Fools treating you?   Nothing funny right?   Watch a comedy, hopefully that’ll cheer you up.   I hope you’re good and as well as the people you care about, I hope everyone is safe and staying indoors as well.   Me?   Let’s not talk about me right now, I’m not ready for that JUST yet but soon!   For the most part, I’m fine.  Mentally.. we’ll get there.   I bet you’re wondering about the last somewhat confusing entry, and this is the truth.   It was extremely difficult for me to write and finish “ nest ”, let me rephrase that… it’s extremely difficult to write about my mother. I think I had an easier time with “ lavender tears ” because I wrote about that right after it happened (still feel bad for that one), I also wasn’t trying to speak poorly of her and that was my biggest fear about writing it because I didn’t want anybody to think that. I got the name from seeing a bi...