link: delayed wishes

  Good morning cross watcher!! How have you been? Still trying not to go crazy? Yeah me too. I hope you’re well, as well as your family and loved ones. If you’re not working then I hope you’re staying busy during this time doing something productive, learning something new might come a long way in the future. I apologize for not speaking to you at all last week, I wasn’t feeling up to spirits nor did I feel like talking about it. Between everything that was going on in the world and moments where I felt like a winner and like a failure was a battle I kept private to the world. I would have moments where I feel like success is nothing if you no one to share it with then I feel like to let my success speak for itself and let it find me, either way, I’m stuck between the two.

  “denied peace treaty” was written and posted exactly one year after I last spoke to the girl in the first paragraph, the same night the misunderstanding took place. I waited to see how I was going to feel after the one year mark when I think about her today I’m not sure if her not being in ours lives today is a blessing in disguise or if it’s a shame that relationships can end as quickly as easily as they start. I have no ill will towards her, I wish her the best and happiness somewhere in her life. “MarOON (Moon Maroon)” was actually found by accident because I was looking to see if I wrote something similar to “the invited uninvited guest” back in 05 but turned out I didn’t, a close friend (who I’m still friends with today thank god) went through a bad breakup with a mean but obsessive girlfriend and I wrote that to show him that I understood what he was going through. I wish Grammarly existed back then because that entry had typos left and right, I showed him that entry recently and he remembered it. “the invited uninitiated guest” is a true story that I haven’t spoken about for 15 years, I actually cried to the girl I was attracted to at the time about it (that’s probably why I never wrote about it because I was scared of feeling that hurt again). I started writing while watching a father/son movie that made me tear up during my “49 hour” adventure, I wanted to make a 3rd paragraph about it but I felt I made my point already. Writing that entry made me uncomfortable because nothing was answered and if I brought it up today to my family they would probably deny it, then again these were the same people as “The Hardest March”. Family is what you make of it and I was very distant with them for years until my grandmother's passing, to this day I haven’t spoken to them in 5 years (except my sister). It ain’t right but I’m not wrong either, nothing more I can say about this topic.

  One thing I’ve been coming up lately is titles, titles that I’d like to tackle but not sure if I want to revisit these uncomfortable experiences but they’re there. I hope my best friend is doing alright during this crazy time, being in a quarantine makes you think about the people you aren’t talking to today (what better time to make things right than now). I wish people were happier, I wish they didn’t feel trapped right now. I wish I was happier, I wish I didn’t feel trapped right now either. I wish my mom was happier, I wish my brother would listen and care about us a little better. I wish the people around me weren’t careless, I wish my phone rang a little more. I wish I didn’t have trouble sleeping, I wish I felt better about my accomplishments lately. I wish my dad were here, I wish someone asked me how I was every once in a while. I wish I wasn’t the therapist all the time, I wish finding a therapist wasn’t difficult right now. I wish I had more positive influences in my life, I wish the bitter people that talk to me for help understood how draining it is to change their mood all the time. I wish I was happier, I know I said it but I’m saying it again. I think I said enough for tonight, thanks for listening to what I have to say. Enjoy the rest of your night, until we link again... take care of yourself.