t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

Posts

22:00

It’s amazing how fast these 5 years flew by when I see it in retrospect, the events leading up to the end and the months after were grueling, to say the least. It was probably the worst period of my life next to my father’s passing because it was hard trying to figure out life without them, my therapist at the time said it best when she said it felt like the passing of a friend who’s still alive. To this day, I still haven’t told everyone as to why we split because everybody was very quick to take sides and nobody took the story equally. I learned a lot about myself as she was out of my life, I didn’t realize how valuable I was as a person until she was out of the picture. The biggest question I still get to this day from ladies is how am I single, in their eyes everybody deserves to be happy with someone but sometimes I don’t have it in me to be hurt like I did at that time. I still take my part of accountability as to why things fell apart, I guess I would feel more at peac

REVIVAL: The Hardest March

It's hard to believe that the year isn't even half over and yet I'm afraid to see how the rest of the year is going to turn out. With having 2 family deaths back to back, who could? By having my grands pass away on my dad's side of the family, I felt like I should reconnect with the side of the family that I rarely kept in contact with. During my grandmother's last days, I saw her as much as I could, and the family knew that. Regrettably speaking, I had the impression that I reconnected with my family during this time of need, even though they felt it was my fault that I was never around. Around the time of my grandmother's death, the family seemed stuck without direction, and I was more than willing to help out as much as I could, and they wanted it too. But somehow, after the funeral I tried to keep in contact with my folks and guess what? Nobody responds. They asked me to stay in touch and they let it go. I'm doing what the next person would do during a

oxytocin

Every sunrise or sunset that I’ve witnessed brings forth a sensational warmth and rejuvenation to the body that’s difficult to explain, although it’s temporary I never have an issue going out of my way to capture this moment because it’s still one of those monumental things that’s worth the trip. Every once in a while I will see a couple basking in the view together, I used to wonder what sharing a moment like this with someone else would be like but not as much as you’d think. It doesn’t have to be romantic but it could be just sharing a moment like this with someone important, this was something that sparked when a friend recently revealed about watching the sunrise with a girl he used to be involved with. I was taken aback by him speaking about her like this because I was relieved that he shared not only a positive moment but a special one with her, despite their differences this meant something to him. This made me reflect on moments I had like this before and there were hardly a

flutter's farewell

This was not the ideal way I wanted to speak about someone who just turned half a century, but at the same time, I'm thankful they've been on this earth for so long. It's been almost 2 years since I've spoken to them, liked a post, called them, anything. Saying that my life is better without them is an understatement because it’s not necessarily true, but being without them forced me to love myself a little harder. The last we spoke she asked me if I hated her, even though the answer is still no… I just feel that we weren’t fit to grow together. She was one of the most insatiable people I’ve ever been involved with, always making me feel like I was never good enough for her even though she wouldn't do the same for me. Between her and the girl before her that I was involved with for so long they both made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anybody, and that forced me to be comfortable with being alone for so long. One night in December, I woke up in t

candles for one

I try not to be a creature of habit for the most part depending on what the circumstances are, but when it comes to my birthday that’s when I’m extra delicate when it comes to how I'd like to spend my time. It’s been 5 years since I celebrated my special day with someone else so I’ve had no problem riding solo since then, just let me do the same 2 things I normally do on my birthday and we’ll be straight. There are particular reasons why I kept my birthday private by providing the wrong date to others, and one of those reasons was to have no interpretations throughout the day. The fewer people the better is how I see it, because I know if I ride by myself I can’t be disappointed. That changed this year when some ladies found out what day it landed and wanted to spend time with me on my birthday, the foolish part about this is that I was clumsy enough to let my guard down believing it would happen. I can’t get mad at what happened entirely because life happens and you can’t

interlude: to another 31st

I turned 38 last week, even though a good friend gave me this journal I’m writing on before my birthday I was stood up twice by two other friends on my special day. Feeling defeated by the other girls, I received something in the mail the following day. It was a birthday card that arrived late, that actually lifted my spirits much more than I anticipated. I messaged her immediately and told her I was grateful she did that, and that’s why I’m dedicating this first page to her. - Written after " candles for one ", but as a positive. - First thing written in the journal I received for my birthday - The title is a reference to our birthdays

うずまき (whirlpool)

“What’s your favorite part about going to Japan?” Seems to be a popular question among others every time I return from Tokyo. It’s a question I was asked a handful of times recently, if you asked me this question years ago the answer would’ve been how everything I love is close by (arcades, food, record shops). However, as of these past 2 trips that answer has changed and it’s an answer not many people really seem to understand. The only other person who understands is a friend who joined me on a trip over there and he dreaded returning home the same way I did, he felt the same phenomenon that I did being there. Maybe if I explain it myself it'll make more sense, come with me on this journey. A saying that my father once told my mother is the same one that an old friend once said to me stating that: “Nobody thinks like you”, I took this quote as a gift and a curse at the same time. The issue with being at home is that many of the people that I surround myself with don’t have

31st of the 11th

I’m very careful whom I share my happiness with these days, that’s one of the biggest issues about being a loner. For years I’ve kept my birthday a secret to a large number of friends for mysterious and somewhat selfish reasons, but in recent years those reasons have drastically increased. “Don’t be a stranger” is a phrase that I’m not particularly fond of, those who say it to me miss my company but wouldn’t reach out on their own to try to connect with me. That’s how I feel about my birthday, (to me) it feels forced whenever they reach out wanting to reconnect only for it to never happen then they’ll reach out again to say the same thing as they did last year. I also have a relative who forces our birthday dinners with us, I decline their offers because I don’t like to be celebrated with something we could’ve been doing regularly. I keep my birthdays private because I’m very cautious as to who would appreciate my time with them, I’d like to spend time with those who want to and no

sinked ships

It’s almost been four years since I’ve been riding solo without someone by my side, it has been an amazing four years but it’s also been an interesting four years as well. I’ve learned so much about myself doing things alone to where men and women alike question how I’m doing so much solo, it’s more to prove that I could venture alone more so than anything else. Ladies tend to question if traveling or doing other big adventures alone gets lonely, the truth is that it does at times but I try my absolute best to not think about it to try to focus on a grander experience. Another big thing I’ve learned is that couples tend to look to me for guidance or advice about their relationships, though I remind them about how I’ve failed with relationships before they still seem to admire how I treated my previous partners (the good parts) and wondered how I would handle the situation they were in if I were them. I learned a lot as their "therapist", but it also shined a light on so

the myth

The biggest issue with lack of communication is that it allows us to make an assumption or a misunderstanding far bigger than what it has to be, and since we as people already think the worst when it comes to any situation we don't completely understand this is something that’ll easily come to mind regardless if it’s true or not. Especially for those who are non-confrontational or refuse to take accountability for hurting someone, it’s easier to burn a bridge than to make amends or admit that we made an error. I rarely show my ego to others but I will avoid someone if I feel like their toxicity is too unbearable, if more people were willing to fix what offended someone else then I would be more confrontational about the things that bothered me. This is something I wish I could have with many people in my life but you can’t have a strong connection with weak-minded people, if that’s the case then I would be doing all the work. I recently ran into someone who gave me a broken hea

Roland

Long time no talk, I know it’s been a minute since we've heard each other's voices but I hope you’re well. The same goes for your family, moms, pops, sister, brother, niece, nephew, everybody. In case you were wondering, my mother is doing fine. She hurt herself earlier this year but she’s fully recovered from that, her clumsiness is to thank for that. Hopefully you’ve been driving or looking for better employment by this time, I remember you being long overdue for both. Did you finally get that game that you've been waiting for? They take forever I know, but we already knew that was going to happen. Have you been using that journal I gave you? It’s a tough one, I've struggled with it as well and was nowhere near completing it myself. So much so that I haven't touched it in almost a year, when it comes to having to talk about the people in your life at the current moment that's the part that I struggle with. Which brings me to why I'm writing this t

night of the devil lovers

Anybody that's crossed paths in my life more times than most will be implanted with an impactful impression of music, it's to the point where nobody meets me without learning something new and this goes twice as hard for the ladies that I’ve been involved with my life. My ear is trusted among many where they can’t wait to discover someone new and to hear why it impacts me the way it does, I love this part of hearing new music because I can hardly keep it to myself. One Thursday night in July was one of those cases where a musician that I followed and shared his music with among others (especially with the ladies that were in my life) came to a head in store for an unlikely reunion, one where we all should've seen coming. When I arrived at this event I immediately met up with one of the staff who was assisting the performer, we sat down for a minute to discuss what they wanted me to do as for as the direction of how they wanted the shots to be captured. I was looking

jreams

It was a Sunday morning when a coworker approached me with some concerns regarding her future, so I dedicated my lunch to sit down with her to discuss possible outcomes as to what the future could hold for her. After giving some of the best advice I could think of to provide to her regarding her situation, her follow-up question to everything I just said was: “How are you single?” Not only did it catch me off guard, but it was also a question I had feared being asked by a woman. The quickest answer I could think of was that I kept choosing the wrong kind of woman, it was the only answer I could think of without blatantly blaming the other sex. That question haunted me for the rest of my shift, it affected the rest of my day and especially affected my sleep (but not in a negative way). While I was asleep I missed a phone call, I wasn't able to answer the call on time but I played the voicemail right after. I didn't check to see who called or who left the voicemail but

Robin’s Reckoning: cupid's misfire

Even though things between us came to a screeching halt one Wednesday morning during a September vacation, she didn’t want to lose the friendship we had between us (which I wasn’t sure how it was going to work). The problem was that I still wanted things between us to be special like it was before because I didn’t want to admit that we could be drifting apart, but it was a reality that I was afraid to admit came true as communications between us started to dwindle as the months grew that fall moving into winter. The conversations between us changed with me now it was me leading them 90% of the time while she was just there to answer anything that I asked with little to no concern about me, no how I was doing or enthusiasm about me or anything. It felt like she wasn’t keeping her end of the bargain on what was left between us, even when a relative of hers passed away and I wanted to surprise her with some flowers to show my condolences and for support. Admittedly, I shouldn’t have done

Robin’s Reckoning: cupid's backstory

When I think about my life today and all the misfortunes that I’ve had to come across as I was rebuilding my life up to this point, I couldn’t really think of a story to bring to the table to showcase as my yearly “Robin’s Reckoning” that I usually post every May. The closest story I could think of as a “Robin’s Reckoning” entry is “ one or eight ” which was posted earlier in January, if I held on to that story until now it would’ve been a perfect story to share this time around but I was so heartbroken that I wanted to get it out of my system immediately (which still affects me to this day). I have decided to release a story that I shelved last year because I thought it was spoken too harshly but it bugged me that I never released it called “cupid’s misfire”, but if I held on to “one or eight” until now then “cupid’s misfire” would’ve probably never been released. This box will be open on Mother’s Day, please excuse the delay. I know this is long overdue and I apologize for tha

smell the roses

How do you describe the smell of a beautiful rose? The act where a scent so elegant can put you in a trance at a standstill because, for that brief moment you were captivated by a natural fragrance that could hypnotize your soul. Not to mention the texture of a rose, to run your fingers on something so rare, so delicate, so precious, knowing that nothing else feels like this. And to witness a rose bloom for the first time? I'd imagine many of us have seen the orange sunset or the millions of stars that light up the evening sky but to get a glimpse of a flower to transform into something so beautiful that you can't take your eyes off of it is magical in its own self. Doesn't it make you want to look at a rose today? Maybe I have an unique way of inviting people to new things and environments, saying that people want the same thing as I do is the wrong thing to say but I do not blame others for wanting to experience the same magic as I do. That’s the stor