It’s amazing how fast these 5 years flew by when I see it in retrospect, the events leading up to the end and the months after were grueling, to say the least. It was probably the worst period of my life next to my father’s passing because it was hard trying to figure out life without them, my therapist at the time said it best when she said it felt like the passing of a friend who’s still alive. To this day, I still haven’t told everyone as to why we split because everybody was very quick to take sides and nobody took the story equally. I learned a lot about myself as she was out of my life, I didn’t realize how valuable I was as a person until she was out of the picture. The biggest question I still get to this day from ladies is how am I single, in their eyes everybody deserves to be happy with someone but sometimes I don’t have it in me to be hurt like I did at that time. I still take my part of accountability as to why things fell apart, I guess I would feel more at peace if I knew that she did too. I don’t think about her as much as you think I would, I’m not angry with her nor do I hate her but it was the biggest life lesson I’ve ever received.
If there’s one thing I still miss now and again to this day it’s the 10 PM phone calls we used to have every night, this went on for about 13 years. Whether we had a good day or a bad one, something that made us happy or bothered us, we verbally discussed it every night on the phone. This was something I didn’t realize I would miss the most until about a week later after communication stopped, I knew I took it for granted because calling every night at the time was natural for us but that was the main part where I realized this would hurt me the most. The ability to speak to someone on a daily basis is a gift, especially if they were as attentive and responsive as she was. That was the defining moment for me that this legacy was truly over, it made for many nights being very difficult to sleep realizing how lonely I was and how quiet it was about to be. It wasn’t until about a little over 2 years later that a friend gave me a Christmas gift that honestly eased that emptiness in a major way, after a failed attempt at journaling earlier that year he gave me a daily log where I could write about the highlights of my day. I never realized how much this would help me because I could jot down the highs and lows and reflect on them later on if I wanted to, it’s been not easy to find someone who checks on me on a day-to-day basis but this log made life that much easier.
Despite how things ended, like I said I have no anger or animosity towards her whatsoever. Things became much easier as the years went by and I hope it was the same for her, the only thing that I wish was that I wasn’t seen as the worst thing that happened to her (because she was the best thing that happened to me). After seeing a close friend and his now ex go through a similar situation, I can see that I handled the issue far calmer than they both did. The biggest difference that I noticed is that they’re both very bitter towards one another and I chose not to do that on my part even from the beginning, not once did I try to tarnish her name or make her look bad because I played a part in it too. To this day, I hope that some of the things I showed her along the way came to her benefit in life. I’d rather be portrayed as someone real than someone who’s a villain but I can’t ask someone to change the narrative because that’s their story, the same way how I’ve never belittled her name to this day. Despite our time apart, I’ve evolved in more ways than one.
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