I’m very careful whom I share my happiness with these days, that’s one of the biggest issues about being a loner. For years I’ve kept my birthday a secret to a large number of friends for mysterious and somewhat selfish reasons, but in recent years those reasons have drastically increased. “Don’t be a stranger” is a phrase that I’m not particularly fond of, those who say it to me miss my company but wouldn’t reach out on their own to try to connect with me. That’s how I feel about my birthday, (to me) it feels forced whenever they reach out wanting to reconnect only for it to never happen then they’ll reach out again to say the same thing as they did last year. I also have a relative who forces our birthday dinners with us, I decline their offers because I don’t like to be celebrated with something we could’ve been doing regularly. I keep my birthdays private because I’m very cautious as to who would appreciate my time with them, I’d like to spend time with those who want to and not because they feel like they have to.
My birthdays have always been a little rough, to say the least, I will give you three major examples. The first was when my father's funeral took place the day before my birthday, my life felt like gripping onto a boat during a tidal wave at that time. Not sure what I was holding on to but that was a gut punch that I’ll never forget, the timing couldn’t have been any better. The second gut punch was nine years later when my best friend left, my birthday landed on Thanksgiving that year and I remember staying in my room for most of the day. She always made my birthdays a little special and coming to terms with the reality that it wasn’t happening anymore made my life hard to bear at that time, especially on that day… that was extremely difficult.
The biggest reality check was the third example knowing that I was close to death from the global disease, two days prior on Thanksgiving was the day I realized that this could be my final holiday meal due to how ill I was at that time. Right when I was at peace with having to succumb to what was happening to me, I was given the gift of life as a birthday gift that year (and a Nintendo Switch game). Ever since then, I’ve been more appreciative of my time on this earth. Last year as I was going to celebrate my special day alone as a new ritual, a friend called me (as they never do) speaking about my life around the sun one more time. Did something I loved alone and came home to stare at the ceiling for the rest of the day to reflect on my life up to this point, I didn’t reveal that my birthday passed until a few days later. But to be honest with you, that was a good day.
If you had to ask me what I’d want for my birthday today I couldn’t tell you because I’ve spent the recent ones alone, just appreciate the fact that I exist maybe? Is that too much to ask? I’m not sure how I’d want to be celebrated anymore, that’s a sad thing to say considering that I’d go over the moon for someone else’s birthday. To be unconditionally celebrated and appreciated by others feels like a pipe dream at this point, it’s not impossible but I can’t see it happening (not now at least). I don’t even ask my mother for anything because I feel bad that she’s the only person who really gets me anything (I try to keep it bare minimum simple), and I feel bad that she feels bad so it’s a lose-lose situation. If you ask me in a year I might have a different answer, but for now I wouldn’t mind rocking alone again. But one year it’ll be different, just don’t ask me when.
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