This was not the ideal way I wanted to speak about someone who just turned half a century, but at the same time, I'm thankful they've been on this earth for so long. It's been almost 2 years since I've spoken to them, liked a post, called them, anything. Saying that my life is better without them is an understatement because it’s not necessarily true, but being without them forced me to love myself a little harder. The last we spoke she asked me if I hated her, even though the answer is still no… I just feel that we weren’t fit to grow together. She was one of the most insatiable people I’ve ever been involved with, always making me feel like I was never good enough for her even though she wouldn't do the same for me. Between her and the girl before her that I was involved with for so long they both made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for anybody, and that forced me to be comfortable with being alone for so long.
One night in December, I woke up in the middle of the night realizing that I had no emotional attachment to her anymore. No bitterness, no anger, no frustration, no nothing. I went back to my photos deleting a large chunk of the nasty things she’s said to me (I kept them as a reminder not to go back to her), but I kept the few where we looked our happiest. It was a relief being able to let go of the moments that no longer held my emotions hostage, but it was properly letting go of the past as it didn’t serve me in the present. It was one of the late-night epiphanies realizing that nobody should be treated this way, that love shouldn’t be this difficult. This happened around the 2nd anniversary when she and a friend had a moment with alcohol and I lost them both, the idea of losing more than what little I had and always having to keep my eye on her was something I wasn’t willing to do anymore. I should’ve let her go before that especially when she said: "What ever happened between us should've never happened" because that was the straw that broke the camel's back, but now who's missing who?
If there’s something I wish I could tell her, it would be that I wish she genuinely loved herself the way she deserved. She doesn’t need to be validated to be loved by someone to define herself, even though she says she doesn’t but deep down she do. I know she had a hard and traumatic childhood and even worse adulthood but at times it felt like I was being blamed for it when we were speaking, I seriously hope she gets the help that she needs more importantly the love that she needs as well. This is my farewell letter because I can’t hold on to what could’ve been because she refuses to work on herself, for me to grow as a man I have to let go of the woman who didn’t treat me like one.
This is my final gift to her… I know she still misses me, watches my stories, looks at my posts, and whatnot and that’s okay, but I know her favorite thing is a full moon even though the sky is black on her birthday (closing our chapter). Here’s one more before we depart, take care of yourself…
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