Even though things between us came to a screeching halt one Wednesday morning during a September vacation, she didn’t want to lose the friendship we had between us (which I wasn’t sure how it was going to work). The problem was that I still wanted things between us to be special like it was before because I didn’t want to admit that we could be drifting apart, but it was a reality that I was afraid to admit came true as communications between us started to dwindle as the months grew that fall moving into winter. The conversations between us changed with me now it was me leading them 90% of the time while she was just there to answer anything that I asked with little to no concern about me, no how I was doing or enthusiasm about me or anything. It felt like she wasn’t keeping her end of the bargain on what was left between us, even when a relative of hers passed away and I wanted to surprise her with some flowers to show my condolences and for support. Admittedly, I shouldn’t have done that but I wasn’t willing to pay extra when making a physical appearance was much cheaper. Also, I wanted to be there for her in case she wanted to talk about it but my appearance felt unwelcomed. It wasn’t a plot to get back with her but it didn’t matter because she knows I tried, the appreciation train didn’t appear until my route home. I still got her something special for Christmas and for her birthday to show my appreciation for her existence in my life, but it wasn’t until the 2nd week of February where things took an even more grim turn.
I took a solo vacation to sin city to clear my mind off the clutter that was happening from that everyday routine that was called “life”, she was also on my conscience like she was some kind of drug and with Valentine’s Day approaching I thought about getting her something I knew she would appreciate this gesture that I held on to for a couple of months. Once again, this wasn’t an attempt to get back with her by any means but this was to show her that she was still someone special in my life. I got her some custom-made candies in her favorite color, with the pet name I called her labeled on it as well as her favorite animal on each piece. I knew it would be the thing to brighten her day since she had been betrayed by love one too many times, the only problem was that I found out after I purchased it that I couldn’t ship candy through a parcel service so I figured I would drop it off in person when I get back. The next day after I got the candy made, a conversation happened where she asked me to “unremember” the times we shared because “what happened between us shouldn’t have happened”. I stopped the conversation right there because I thought it was a very selfish request to ask since it completely invalidated everything I felt about her, not to mention what I just bought her the previous day. It was at that moment where I received the clarification that I needed to let her go because I knew I didn’t deserve to be spoken to or to be treated like that, even though what she said hurt it didn’t hit me until I came back home because I still had the candy in my possession. While she was posting stories on social media about having an “anti-Valentine’s Day” outing or however you want to see it, I was at home eating her candy because I didn’t want it to go to waste somewhat still heartbroken by her words. For the next week or as I was trying to adjust my life without her trying to prove myself not to be the regret that she was making me feel, she was still keeping tabs on me after all this (liking my posts, watching my stories, etc.) which was confusing me. It wasn’t until my mother’s birthday where she contacted me asking me if I had sent a ring to her house, I said no because I was thinking why would I send her something if she wanted nothing to do with me? When I got the message the first thing I honestly thought was that she bought it herself and asked me if I did to lure me back into her life, but come to find out (according to her a couple of months later) it was from the ex-boyfriend that cheated on her who got another girl pregnant trying to secretly get her back into his life without the girlfriend knowing (complicated, I know). I noticed that she was watching me more frequently after that and she was reaching out a little more, I could tell she missed me being in the picture because nobody else was probably checking on her or complimenting her like I did. I heard a song she introduced me to through a friend’s stream and sent it to her then she replied a couple of days later asking who the artist was with the name of the song because she "forgot", my mind was thinking “Yeah right” but deep down I knew that was her saying that she missed me.
Today, things between us are still a little confusing for me because I’ve never been involved with someone that didn’t want any part of me but doesn’t want to let me go at the same time which makes things difficult for me to understand from her point of view. My biggest concern is that I wished she understood how damaging her words are because it diminished my confidence enough that still feels fresh as I'm saying this right now, I'm not sure if she realizes it but she made me feel like a failure at that time. To this day, I never told her how I felt about everything that happened between us since she never asked. All I cared about was making her happy with no questions asked and that came with a price because once again she never asked, I do regret not opening up on how I felt about her and everything that transpired back then... or even now. I never told her about how the split crushed me nor how her words near Valentine's Day were beyond hurtful, it just clarified that whatever I felt didn't matter at that time because it was all about her. This is why I never tried to win her back because I saw it as if it would’ve benefited me more than her and I would hate to put someone through that, I had that much respect for her to not do that. She did mention before how her exes would treat her like a "blow-up doll" and I didn't want to imply that I missed her physically (which I also did) but it was her presence was what I missed more, it's hard to tell someone that who is firm on their own beliefs to see things in another perspective. I do blame myself for not communicating better throughout our time together because I had an amazing time learning more things about one another and ourselves through each other, it’s something that I wished continued because it was unexplainably rejuvenating. I always thought I couldn't get a girl like her, I was wrong then I was right. Despite everything that happened between us, I hope she’s happy… with or without me in the picture. That's all I want really, nothing more. Float on.
I took a solo vacation to sin city to clear my mind off the clutter that was happening from that everyday routine that was called “life”, she was also on my conscience like she was some kind of drug and with Valentine’s Day approaching I thought about getting her something I knew she would appreciate this gesture that I held on to for a couple of months. Once again, this wasn’t an attempt to get back with her by any means but this was to show her that she was still someone special in my life. I got her some custom-made candies in her favorite color, with the pet name I called her labeled on it as well as her favorite animal on each piece. I knew it would be the thing to brighten her day since she had been betrayed by love one too many times, the only problem was that I found out after I purchased it that I couldn’t ship candy through a parcel service so I figured I would drop it off in person when I get back. The next day after I got the candy made, a conversation happened where she asked me to “unremember” the times we shared because “what happened between us shouldn’t have happened”. I stopped the conversation right there because I thought it was a very selfish request to ask since it completely invalidated everything I felt about her, not to mention what I just bought her the previous day. It was at that moment where I received the clarification that I needed to let her go because I knew I didn’t deserve to be spoken to or to be treated like that, even though what she said hurt it didn’t hit me until I came back home because I still had the candy in my possession. While she was posting stories on social media about having an “anti-Valentine’s Day” outing or however you want to see it, I was at home eating her candy because I didn’t want it to go to waste somewhat still heartbroken by her words. For the next week or as I was trying to adjust my life without her trying to prove myself not to be the regret that she was making me feel, she was still keeping tabs on me after all this (liking my posts, watching my stories, etc.) which was confusing me. It wasn’t until my mother’s birthday where she contacted me asking me if I had sent a ring to her house, I said no because I was thinking why would I send her something if she wanted nothing to do with me? When I got the message the first thing I honestly thought was that she bought it herself and asked me if I did to lure me back into her life, but come to find out (according to her a couple of months later) it was from the ex-boyfriend that cheated on her who got another girl pregnant trying to secretly get her back into his life without the girlfriend knowing (complicated, I know). I noticed that she was watching me more frequently after that and she was reaching out a little more, I could tell she missed me being in the picture because nobody else was probably checking on her or complimenting her like I did. I heard a song she introduced me to through a friend’s stream and sent it to her then she replied a couple of days later asking who the artist was with the name of the song because she "forgot", my mind was thinking “Yeah right” but deep down I knew that was her saying that she missed me.
Today, things between us are still a little confusing for me because I’ve never been involved with someone that didn’t want any part of me but doesn’t want to let me go at the same time which makes things difficult for me to understand from her point of view. My biggest concern is that I wished she understood how damaging her words are because it diminished my confidence enough that still feels fresh as I'm saying this right now, I'm not sure if she realizes it but she made me feel like a failure at that time. To this day, I never told her how I felt about everything that happened between us since she never asked. All I cared about was making her happy with no questions asked and that came with a price because once again she never asked, I do regret not opening up on how I felt about her and everything that transpired back then... or even now. I never told her about how the split crushed me nor how her words near Valentine's Day were beyond hurtful, it just clarified that whatever I felt didn't matter at that time because it was all about her. This is why I never tried to win her back because I saw it as if it would’ve benefited me more than her and I would hate to put someone through that, I had that much respect for her to not do that. She did mention before how her exes would treat her like a "blow-up doll" and I didn't want to imply that I missed her physically (which I also did) but it was her presence was what I missed more, it's hard to tell someone that who is firm on their own beliefs to see things in another perspective. I do blame myself for not communicating better throughout our time together because I had an amazing time learning more things about one another and ourselves through each other, it’s something that I wished continued because it was unexplainably rejuvenating. I always thought I couldn't get a girl like her, I was wrong then I was right. Despite everything that happened between us, I hope she’s happy… with or without me in the picture. That's all I want really, nothing more. Float on.
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