t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

    A friend spoke to me recently about my yearly Las Vegas trip that I always take on Labor Day, saying to “start new traditions” since I’ll be flying solo and won’t be requesting the aid or the company of anybody else. What they didn’t know was that I was way ahead of them by letting that happen because I made a surprise trip to Hawaii that I revealed much later after I landed back home, I was afraid of others close to me talking me out of going due to what was still going on in the world. I made the change in late July because I came to the hard realization that I’d rather be lonely on an island than to return to a place where heartbreak kept happening, there was no point for me to come back to a place where disappointment kept happening to where I would have no choice but to remember.   As much as I did not want to return to a beautiful place like Hawaii alone I was also anxious to see what was waiting for me to venture on my own, the only thing stopping me was me at ...

    Since the 2nd anniversary of our sudden departure is fast approaching, I feel like I’m at a place where I could speak my mind on how things have been up to this point. From time to time I still get upset with myself for not being patient enough to where things didn’t escalate to where they did, but I also get frustrated with myself for enabling her to make me as angry as she did. Although I do admit my part was nowhere near acceptable but at the same time I’m not sure how anybody else would’ve taken how I was spoken to that night with ease, I honestly did the best that I could before it was taken where it did (especially since I just took an “ oath ” saying that I wouldn’t be angry anymore). Even though I had only mostly opened up to a very select few mutual friends about the situation (no outsiders) it still broke my heart to see that most would “take sides” and favor one over the other, this was completely unintentional and it was not geared for me to seem like the victi...

  Hiking in the mid-2010s was not an enjoyable experience for me because I was always brought out to hike in the most extremist of conditions, whether it was far too hot for my body that I'll overheat with little to no water or far too dark to bring flashlights I barely see at all it’s always been an option for me where I have a question if a want to do it or not (one I would always regret). I did have an enjoyable experience in the snow once, but that was short-lived until I fell and badly injured my knee for me to not even consider hiking ever again. For years someone I was intimately involved with kept saying that she wanted to hike the Hoover Dam and we never got around to going due to many poorly made excuses (mainly because of the heat), but when my guide brought up the hike again shortly after something upsetting was said to me during a solo Vegas trip I decided to take on the challenge. It was a Wednesday afternoon when we began on this mostly flat trail, there were so...

    Good evening cross watcher! Long time no talk, I hope you’re doing all right. I’ve been all right (more or less), I was very sick from the virus for my birthday but I’m thankful to be alive and well today. How about you? I hope you’re well, I hope this new year is treating you well so far. I hope you have goals and looking forward to a brand new start in life, just know that the world is in your hands and nothing can take it away from you (unless you let it). I’m writing to you today to tell you that since you are my only viewer, I’ve decided to close this chapter in my life until further notice. I didn’t like having to speak negatively all the time, this was an unhealthy habit that made me close my previous blog and I caught myself doing it again now. It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to me, I’m not an unhappy person because I’ve had plenty of moments that brought a smile to my face but I won't discuss it (I do the opposite with this blog). Maybe I might come back to...

   Good morning cross watcher!  Have things been treating you well during that Mercury retrograde period?  Remember!  If things didn’t go right you could always blame it on that instead, just kidding.  Did you think of any goals for next year yet?  Please consider taking the time to think of some because I know you can crush them, don’t let anything or anybody stop you from thinking you can’t accomplish anything.  I thought I was going to use this month to talk about the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing (10 years is a long time), but instead, I decided not to because it seems like nobody is really interested in that topic.  I don’t want to drag anybody else into the topic so I’m kinda facing this battle alone because I know nobody else would take this as seriously as I am, there are 2 people I could talk to about it that lost their fathers as well but I’d rather not do that to them.  Everybody is doing their own thing and h...

 We all have to go some time, but have you fulfilled everything you wanted to do in your life? Have you done everything life had to offer? What would you do if you had one last wish before you departed from the earth... and it was denied? Emphysema took my grandmother's life, and I went to see her as much as I could. I received a phone call on a Saturday saying that my grandmother wanted to stop the medication because she did want to rely on a machine for the rest of her life. After receiving that call I wanted to see her on a daily basis before she leaves us. That evening, it was the six of us in the room including my aunt and her daughter/my cousin. Throughout her hospital stay, she couldn't really speak. As we were taking care of her and realizing that her time was running short, she was given the hospital food that nobody could approve of. She asked for French Fries, the simple finger food favorite that millions of Americans eat every day. My aunt wanted to do whatever it t...

     Good morning cross watcher, how have you been?   I’ve been… there.   I’ve been trying to stay busy but I’ve been somewhat lonely at the same time, I kinda don’t want to talk about me right now if that’s okay with you (then why are you here right?).   Really though, how have you been?   Is everything alright?   Are you accomplishing any goals?   Do you have any upcoming goals?   How about goals for next year?   If you’re reading this, you’re doing alright.   Keep going, you’re heading towards the right direction to what you should be doing and don’t let nothing stop you.   You got this, I got your back.   These are words I haven’t heard in months, even from those closest to me.   Let me give you the background of what I’m about to post, this is my 150th entry for this blog site that was originally going to be posted on the one year anniversary that blog started.   But I thought I was writing it out of fr...

   Good evening cross watcher! How was your August? Mine was hectic, mentally exhausting. I’m not even sure if you care about me anymore but thanks for checking up on me anyway, I do appreciate it a lot it tells me that this blog matters to SOMEONE. I see that “area code 619” was view a few times, an interesting story isn’t it? Can I cut to the chase and tell you another story that took place 3 weeks later?   Someone once told me that flowers make everything better, that it’ll brighten anybody's day… tell that to my mother who doesn’t like flowers. When they randomly and out of nowhere brought them over and told me that they were for her, not only did it surprise her but me as well. My mother accepted these flowers and said thank you, we had to dig up a vase from underneath the kitchen (didn’t know we had it) to put them up. When my mother revealed where she wanted to place them, that was when I kinda had a look into the future. She said that she wanted it placed next to ...

    Good evening cross watcher!   I know it’s been a minute since you last heard from me (a month to this day actually) so I’m sorry to keep you waiting but I hope you’re doing alright and you are in good health.   I know you’ve been checking up on me every day (I check my view counter every day and it passed 1000 this week!), I’d like to share a little story with you really quick if you don’t mind.    Back in June a friend of mine expressed that she had not been to San Diego in 7 years and when she said this it had dawned on me that my previous trip there wasn’t a fun one either, so we both made the impulsive decision to book a trip there so we can explore San Diego for the night.   We spent the afternoon walking around Gaslamp Quarter (that’s where we booked the room), paid a visit to Chicano Park, walked near the convention center, and things of that sort.   We spent the day just talking about the errors of our past, the struggles within our he...

  Good evening cross watcher! How have you been? I apologize for my absence, I’ve been going through some major highs and lows with my emotions that I wasn’t sure how to discuss. Things are sort of starting to look up for me but I still see people being unhappy on social media and that’s been letting me down a little bit, it’s difficult for me to be selfish so maybe I should start (but don’t know how to begin). Not that I don’t care because that’s not true but I care so much that it feels like I’m in the wrong for being happy at times, you know what I mean? I’m not ignoring you and I haven’t forgotten about you, but ever since I wrote my last entry I strayed away from this blog because I let my emotions get the best of me when I wrote it (to be honest I was a little embarrassed about it). I can’t promise that it won’t happen again, but I will say that I will try to not write like that for a while. In any case, let’s move on.   How was your Father’s Day? If he’s still in your l...

 Today is the 10th anniversary of the last opportunity where I could’ve called my father on Father’s Day but I refused because I didn’t want to hear him intoxicated over the phone, saying this 10 years later I wholeheartedly regret it with all my heart and I’ve been fighting back tears as guilt has been clinging on to me like a leech. I knew I should’ve called him but I don’t know if it was my ego telling me not to call him because I was tired of hearing him feeling so defeated, I wish I didn’t lose patience with him because the broken man that I gave up on didn’t deserve the silent treatment I gave him the months leading up to his departure. I remember I was contemplating calling him for hours because it was the right thing to do but I was really drained from hearing about our yesterdays and how they were better, I missed them too but I didn’t want to live my life as he did. I was tired of hearing from someone who just couldn’t seem to get back, even if that person was my own fath...

What do you say to someone if you knew you'd never see them again? There's so much to say that you cannot say it any shorter. We're so focused on today based on yesterday that we do not think about tomorrow. We always think that everybody we know will be there tomorrow, what if they don't? We don't take everybody for granted because we feel that no matter who we know, that we don't need them when things seem to fail or that we'll replace them with somebody else. We're all original and we don't realize what makes us spark to others, we don't understand how unique we are and we never will. We don't understand the impact that others do for us until they're no longer in our lives, does it really take that long? Yes it does, I say that because it happened to me at my father's funeral. My parents separated in 1999, leaving my father to fall apart with his finances and within himself. He became more attached to alcohol as a way to escape his...

   Good morning cross watcher, how are we doing this early in the morning? I’m writing to you as a sleep-deprived man that keeps getting waken up by random fireworks throughout the neighborhood at odd hours in the night (it’s 3:24 am as we speak), that and with businesses being back up with very little drivers around they tried to charge me double to go to work so I declined. As to why these fireworks are happening this early in June is a mystery to me because I would’ve expected this towards the end of June nearing the 4th of July, I understand last week as their way to fight back again the police (when the protesting was hot) but this is ridiculous because the cops won’t even try to locate so they could get away with it. I’ve been documenting the fireworks happening and it usually starts around 8 pm, it lasted until midnight the night before but seeing how I can’t leave my house and it’s still happening is unacceptable. With no concern to barking dogs, crying babies, and tho...

(The following story is uncomfortable for me to discuss, it talks about the current happening in our country as we speak as well as a personal matter regarding a family member.   Please excuse any discomfort you might feel as I am going to open up about someone else’s past, thank you).    We all saw the video, we all felt the shock and angst that the footage brought to our hearts.   I knew there was going to be an outcry for justice following the video going viral but I didn’t think it was going to be this chaotic, and I for one can’t blame them for this happening.   It just seems like video after video after video nothing was being done and everyone just got fed up with it by taking matters into their own hands, the demand for justice was so strong that they had to issue a curfew in our city to keep things in order (many followed, many didn’t).   Between the looting, rubber bullets against protesters, burning down of businesses, and people being run over b...

  Good evening cross watcher, are you okay? How has your mental health been? Are you getting plenty of rest? That first week of June has been a rough one, not just for everyone but for myself as well. I’ve seen many things that withered my spirits, made me question some people’s logic/motivates, and made me appreciate every little ounce of sleep I got. I became the go-to person for others to reach out to when it comes to speaking about this recent uncomfortable topic, sending me videos whether I asked for them or not (which I didn’t), messaging me at all hours of the night because they couldn’t sleep either due to everything that the news and social media being bombarded with that’s keeping them from sleep. So many times I wanted to make a PSA tell others to refrain from messaging me only about the topic because it made me fall into depression, but no matter how exhausted I was I understood that people came to me because I have a non-bias approach to situations no matter how big or...

  Good morning cross watcher, how have things been with you? I hope things with you have been okay, I know we’ve had a really hard week considering everything that’s been going on with the news. Considering the virus and the battles with police brutality, the mind can only take so much. I really….. have not been well, and I can’t put it into words but I’ve been mentally and spiritually fatigued with everything that’s been happening. I haven’t been speaking to anybody about my thoughts and emotions regarding the issue because it’s hard for me to put them into words, I can’t even speak to you about it with you.. the person who is willing to listen to me. I refuse to speak with unprocessed emotions, even at this point, I have nothing to really say. I tried to make an entry about it and I couldn’t, and speaking about anything seems insensitive. There’s another story I want to write about that took place a month ago, I might focus on that.   Today is my best friend’s birthday, she ...

   Good morning cross watcher!! Before I start, I would like to say that I’m sorry for not reaching out until now. I’ve had a very mentally occupied week, with some ups and some downs but I’m alright overall.   Things are okay at my job, still trying to keep up with the speed of things but I'll get there eventually.   I have no real complaints to speak about at this time when it comes to my life (if I did it’s minor right now... delayed shipments but that’s nothing). Been playing some games more and walking a little more but I'm okay but besides that... How have you been doing? Have you been staying productive since we last spoke?   I hope you're feeling well and I hope your friends/family is too.   I hope you're mentally stable and that you don't feel like a prisoner at a hard time like this, I wish you nothing but the best during these difficult times.   Don't forget, you can do anything you set your heart out to do.   Don't lose doubt thinking ...