Since the 2nd anniversary of our sudden departure is fast approaching, I feel like I’m at a place where I could speak my mind on how things have been up to this point. From time to time I still get upset with myself for not being patient enough to where things didn’t escalate to where they did, but I also get frustrated with myself for enabling her to make me as angry as she did. Although I do admit my part was nowhere near acceptable but at the same time I’m not sure how anybody else would’ve taken how I was spoken to that night with ease, I honestly did the best that I could before it was taken where it did (especially since I just took an “oath” saying that I wouldn’t be angry anymore). Even though I had only mostly opened up to a very select few mutual friends about the situation (no outsiders) it still broke my heart to see that most would “take sides” and favor one over the other, this was completely unintentional and it was not geared for me to seem like the victim in the story. Out of the people that I opened up to about it, one particular friend said: “Did you hold on because were you still trying to figure out how to love her after she said what she did?” That was so spot on I couldn’t even answer, they knew exactly what I was feeling. It took me a very long time to adjust my life without her in my future and having to accept it was the biggest pill to swallow, but what if the person that wants you out of their life secretly never left yours? This was a reality that I finally had enough evidence to look into, and what I discovered was more surprising than I thought.
There is a scene from one of the last movies that we watched together where even though the main characters had broken up and ventured off into their lives without one another, the ex-girlfriend was secretly buying merchandise from the ex-boyfriend's band without him knowing to help support his band. I remember telling her that I liked that scene because it was a really cool move for her to do, but how ironic would it be if something similar was happening to me today? I had my doubts that she wouldn't be checking on me but I’m pretty confident now that it is her this whole time, it was something I didn’t realize until this year. At first, I noticed some previous entries from my blog were getting hit near specific dates in our lives (May for “Robin’s Reckoning”, her birthday, 4th of July), I thought it was an odd coincidence then I asked myself “what if I was skipping the obvious?” It forced me to realize that I made a bigger impact in her life than I thought if she has to retreat to anniversaries of the past, it also made me realize that I wasn’t the only one to celebrate traditions alone. If there was any sign of remorse, it had to be that.
Shortly after our departure came the ghosting and the deleting of my existence in her life, not to mention the blocking from every outlet to avoid me having any access into her life. I still left my life open because I wasn’t fueled with anger for me to respond negatively, despite what I was about to go through in my life and the changes I had to painstakingly venture alone, I admittedly held my breath for a little while to see if there was a light at the end of the tunnel. What stopped me was thinking about how my father held his breath until the day that he died, that alone just made me ultimately let go because I didn’t want to be like him in that aspect. One thing I didn’t count was something I didn’t realize until a little over a year later where was she was (possibly) liking particular tweets from my Twitter this whole time, I didn’t notice until very recently. Let me explain: if I were to look at her profile today or anything she liked/tweeted in the past it would say “Nothing to see here” but this new private profile magically appeared after our split and when I get a random "like" it’ll say the same “Nothing to see here” message. It didn't hit me that this person would "like" particular content that I was tweeting and I was going back to every like that I had for the past 2 years and it was starting to make sense, it had to be her (if not, that's okay too).
Today, I still wish her the best of luck in her life and future endeavors. If she sticks with the right people and follows the correct path she'll be fine, especially if she followed a few of the methods I taught her along the way then she'll be golden. I learned to let go sometime around the pandemic started, but it would be a lie to say that she doesn't cross my mind here and there thinking how something would've been different if she was still in the picture. If there was anything I did learn from this it was that people really don't put themselves in another person's position most of the time (I too am guilty of this from time to time), more importantly how words can hurt others and put yourself in their shoes when insensitive things are said. It made me open my eyes that many people in my life follow this same method today, the lack of consideration when we became careless of the words that come out of our mouth and how it could trigger someone else. I know she's sorry otherwise she wouldn't be secretly revisiting the past from time to time and I'm not looking for an apology (would be nice though), more than anything I'd appreciate it if she would have an understanding of how to not speak to others especially if you know your words can cut deep so it doesn't happen to anybody else. I was never angry from the beginning, but I was hurt, betrayed, sad, upset, everything in the book except angry but only with myself. I'm writing this today because I don't want to post it on the birthday of a mutual friend where things "spiraled" out of control, without the "what if's" running through my mind when I should be celebrating their birthday. And in case you were wondering, I'm okay.
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