t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

  The biggest issue with lack of communication is that it allows us to make an assumption or a misunderstanding far bigger than what it has to be, and since we as people already think the worst when it comes to any situation we don't completely understand this is something that’ll easily come to mind regardless if it’s true or not.  Especially for those who are non-confrontational or refuse to take accountability for hurting someone, it’s easier to burn a bridge than to make amends or admit that we made an error.  I rarely show my ego to others but I will avoid someone if I feel like their toxicity is too unbearable, if more people were willing to fix what offended someone else then I would be more confrontational about the things that bothered me. This is something I wish I could have with many people in my life but you can’t have a strong connection with weak-minded people, if that’s the case then I would be doing all the work. I recently ran into someone who ...

  Long time no talk, I know it’s been a minute since we've heard each other's voices but I hope you’re well. The same goes for your family, moms, pops, sister, brother, niece, nephew, everybody.  In case you were wondering, my mother is doing fine. She hurt herself earlier this year but she’s fully recovered from that, her clumsiness is to thank for that.  Hopefully you’ve been driving or looking for better employment by this time, I remember you being long overdue for both.  Did you finally get that game that you've been waiting for?  They take forever I know, but we already knew that was going to happen.  Have you been using that journal I gave you? It’s a tough one, I've struggled with it as well and was nowhere near completing it myself.  So much so that I haven't touched it in almost a year, when it comes to having to talk about the people in your life at the current moment that's the part that I struggle with.  Which brings me to why I'm wri...

 Anybody that's crossed paths in my life more times than most will be implanted with an impactful impression of music, it's to the point where nobody meets me without learning something new and this goes twice as hard for the ladies that I’ve been involved with my life. My ear is trusted among many where they can’t wait to discover someone new and to hear why it impacts me the way it does, I love this part of hearing new music because I can hardly keep it to myself.  One Thursday night in July was one of those cases where a musician that I followed and shared his music with among others (especially with the ladies that were in my life) came to a head in store for an unlikely reunion, one where we all should've seen coming.     When I arrived at this event I immediately met up with one of the staff who was assisting the performer, we sat down for a minute to discuss what they wanted me to do as for as the direction of how they wanted the shots to be captured....

    It was a Sunday morning when a coworker approached me with some concerns regarding her future, so I dedicated my lunch to sit down with her to discuss possible outcomes as to what the future could hold for her. After giving some of the best advice I could think of to provide to her regarding her situation, her follow-up question to everything I just said was: “How are you single?”   Not only did it catch me off guard, but it was also a question I had feared being asked by a woman. The quickest answer I could think of was that I kept choosing the wrong kind of woman, it was the only answer I could think of without blatantly blaming the other sex. That question haunted me for the rest of my shift, it affected the rest of my day and especially affected my sleep (but not in a negative way).   While I was asleep I missed a phone call, I wasn't able to answer the call on time but I played the voicemail right after.   I didn't check to see who called or who left th...

 Even though things between us came to a screeching halt one Wednesday morning during a September vacation, she didn’t want to lose the friendship we had between us (which I wasn’t sure how it was going to work). The problem was that I still wanted things between us to be special like it was before because I didn’t want to admit that we could be drifting apart, but it was a reality that I was afraid to admit came true as communications between us started to dwindle as the months grew that fall moving into winter. The conversations between us changed with me now it was me leading them 90% of the time while she was just there to answer anything that I asked with little to no concern about me, no how I was doing or enthusiasm about me or anything. It felt like she wasn’t keeping her end of the bargain on what was left between us, even when a relative of hers passed away and I wanted to surprise her with some flowers to show my condolences and for support. Admittedly, I shouldn’t have ...

   When I think about my life today and all the misfortunes that I’ve had to come across as I was rebuilding my life up to this point, I couldn’t really think of a story to bring to the table to showcase as my yearly “Robin’s Reckoning” that I usually post every May. The closest story I could think of as a “Robin’s Reckoning” entry is “ one or eight ” which was posted earlier in January, if I held on to that story until now it would’ve been a perfect story to share this time around but I was so heartbroken that I wanted to get it out of my system immediately (which still affects me to this day). I have decided to release a story that I shelved last year because I thought it was spoken too harshly but it bugged me that I never released it called “cupid’s misfire”, but if I held on to “one or eight” until now then “cupid’s misfire” would’ve probably never been released. This box will be open on Mother’s Day, please excuse the delay.  I know this is long overdue and I apo...

     How do you describe the smell of a beautiful rose? The act where a scent so elegant can put you in a trance at a standstill because, for that brief moment you were captivated by a natural fragrance that could hypnotize your soul.     Not to mention the texture of a rose, to run your fingers on something so rare, so delicate, so precious, knowing that nothing else feels like this.     And to witness a rose bloom for the first time? I'd imagine many of us have seen the orange sunset or the millions of stars that light up the evening sky but to get a glimpse of a flower to transform into something so beautiful that you can't take your eyes off of it is magical in its own self.     Doesn't it make you want to look at a rose today?     Maybe I have an unique way of inviting people to new things and environments, saying that people want the same thing as I do is the wrong thing to say but I do not blame others for wanting to experien...

 Apologies are one of the hardest things to give, and more importantly one of the hardest things to get out of your mouth. These three words are in some cases harder to say than: "I Love You" or even "I Hate You". In the past, people always wondered why I always held grudges so for long. A lack of remorse from whoever hurt or offended me was practically why, and to this day I rarely get apologies for that same reason. I wish I had a better understanding of why people never apologize for their actions when running away is so much easier (I probably do I just don’t want to admit it), returning in someone's life hoping that it’s been forgotten instead of asking for forgiveness when the incident occurred in the first place. More times than most, that's the key to a better tomorrow but you can't say that to someone who's too proud to apologize or admit any possible wrongdoing. The bitter side of you could think that they see it as not a big deal when in r...

 Have you ever had a difficult time getting over a situation you knew wasn’t going to go in your favor but you went with it anyway just in case your gut intuitions might be wrong? This was one of those instances where everything surrounding what I encountered didn’t work out for me at all, maybe if I started from the beginning it might all make sense. A friend reached out to me towards the end of November stating that another friend of his who was impressed with my work was looking for a photographer for a huge event coming up in the next few weeks, from the beginning I wasn’t sure if I wanted to attend something like this because I knew something like this wasn’t really for me but I didn’t want to let my friend down either since I was recommended by him because he knew this could open doors for more opportunities in the future. I spoke to the last girl I was involved with about the opportunity that was given to me and she was very persistent in pressuring me to go since she was at...

  12/21 - [THIS IS LENGTHY SO KEEP SCROLLING IF THIS IS TOO LONG FOR YOU] [open letter] I’m writing this today because I don’t want to start the new year without getting this off my chest. If there’s one thing I sincerely regret doing this year is not opening up to those whose words or actions have hurt me, it’s easy to respond to people who have upset us or made us angry but for the life of me, I can’t bring myself to let others know that they let me down. And because of that, in return, it affects my mentals and my well-being for the sake of theirs. One issue that I’ve had is when others don’t want to take account or responsibility for what they say and if I do express my feelings on what was said it’ll more than often land on deaf ears or they’ll treat me differently (as if I’m too sensitive). I know as a man I’m not supposed to “showcase emotions” or “act like things bother me” and that’s not what I’m saying today, it’s the lack of seeing another person’s perspective and unders...

  One of my favorite songs of the year describes the singer wanting to embrace another person’s grace with a slow dance (that’s actually the name of the song too), when I first sat down to hear the song I thought about how the singer spoke about the moment was magical thinking to myself how I never really done something like that.  Coincidentally, I had this when I was listening to another song by another artist talking about not wanting to leave the girl he was stuck on and I somehow thought that this would be a good song to slow dance to (with her).  It was an odd fantasy to have but it was one I knew it was one I would adore, only problem was I wasn't too sure how she would feel about it.  About three weeks after I had that idea in my head I was shooting the concert for one of our favorite singers, and as soon as that song I thought us slow dancing to came on I ran up to find her so I could make this vision a reality.  As soon as I arrived she wasn't there (s...

    It started on a Sunday afternoon when a friend wanted to have dinner in Downtown LA outside of a market, I was picking up random beverages to see what I wanted to go with my meal and I finally selected one after touching about 6 glasses of different juices. The following day I just went to work and came straight back home, same with that Tuesday. But Wednesday I woke up with something in my throat and it was painful to cough, on top of that I noticed that my body started to ache. Since it was the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing I watched Disney’s “Onward” in his honor but I noticed that I wasn’t feeling too hot, I still went to Santa Monica Pier to watch the sunset also in his honor but I noticed that I was starting to feel worse. I usually stay to watch the clouds turn to that beautiful California fuchsia but as soon as the sun was setting I immediately left, the ride home was even more torturous where I couldn’t wait to lay down on my bed. I spent my Thursday lay...

    On the 11th anniversary of my father’s passing, I had a difficult time staying asleep so I decided to stop by the pier to catch the moon touching the water, but when I got there the fog consumed the moon before the sun could arrive. I did manage to stay long enough to watch the sky change colors since the sun was covered by the fog, I was able to witness the birds catching their morning flight stretching their wings as well. On the way back home while I was trying to connect to the next transit, I witness a girl dressed all in black with green hair talking to herself and yelling at bystanders crossing by. I didn’t think much of it until she slapped an older Latina on her right shoulder for no reason, I saw her immediately reaching into her bag ready to arm herself with mace and I walked up to her to say: “Are you okay? Stick by me and nothing will happen to you”. As we boarded the green-haired girl got on before us but nothing was said, I sat across from the Latina as she ...

  What if a new purpose you chose to pursue in life to improve your mental health was seen as a curse to some around you, it’s questions like this that keep me up at night.   Sometimes I have to ask myself if I'm living a lie because nobody believes in me or if I'm seeing a bigger picture that others refuse to acknowledge, more than 2 years strong I'm still convinced that this is the right path for me to continue in my life.   Ever since I took the oath to not become angry or reactive towards others, I could count with one hand the times I've snapped at someone since then which confirms that I've vastly improved in not responding to situations I cannot control.   Unfortunately, doing so made me lose the women closest to me.   Refusing to fight back or respond to their aggressive behavior might've been seen to them as cowardly or downright pathetic, but since when has trying to return to a situation with a clear head vowed as not being responsible?  ...

    A friend spoke to me recently about my yearly Las Vegas trip that I always take on Labor Day, saying to “start new traditions” since I’ll be flying solo and won’t be requesting the aid or the company of anybody else. What they didn’t know was that I was way ahead of them by letting that happen because I made a surprise trip to Hawaii that I revealed much later after I landed back home, I was afraid of others close to me talking me out of going due to what was still going on in the world. I made the change in late July because I came to the hard realization that I’d rather be lonely on an island than to return to a place where heartbreak kept happening, there was no point for me to come back to a place where disappointment kept happening to where I would have no choice but to remember.   As much as I did not want to return to a beautiful place like Hawaii alone I was also anxious to see what was waiting for me to venture on my own, the only thing stopping me was me at ...

    Since the 2nd anniversary of our sudden departure is fast approaching, I feel like I’m at a place where I could speak my mind on how things have been up to this point. From time to time I still get upset with myself for not being patient enough to where things didn’t escalate to where they did, but I also get frustrated with myself for enabling her to make me as angry as she did. Although I do admit my part was nowhere near acceptable but at the same time I’m not sure how anybody else would’ve taken how I was spoken to that night with ease, I honestly did the best that I could before it was taken where it did (especially since I just took an “ oath ” saying that I wouldn’t be angry anymore). Even though I had only mostly opened up to a very select few mutual friends about the situation (no outsiders) it still broke my heart to see that most would “take sides” and favor one over the other, this was completely unintentional and it was not geared for me to seem like the victi...