Apologies are one of the hardest things to give, and more importantly one of the hardest things to get out of your mouth. These three words are in some cases harder to say than: "I Love You" or even "I Hate You". In the past, people always wondered why I always held grudges so for long. A lack of remorse from whoever hurt or offended me was practically why, and to this day I rarely get apologies for that same reason. I wish I had a better understanding of why people never apologize for their actions when running away is so much easier (I probably do I just don’t want to admit it), returning in someone's life hoping that it’s been forgotten instead of asking for forgiveness when the incident occurred in the first place. More times than most, that's the key to a better tomorrow but you can't say that to someone who's too proud to apologize or admit any possible wrongdoing. The bitter side of you could think that they see it as not a big deal when in reality I believe that sometimes people run away because they don't know how to say that they are sorry, or feel that a simple apology can't fix anything if they did anyway. It's not about looking weak or putting your guard down, let go of your pride and your image for a minute and consider being the bigger person instead. Admitting your faults can help resolve whatever hurt or offended them, but the longer you hold off the longer they can hold on to it too.
Today, one thing I do notice is that the older I get the less likely it is you'll ever receive a simple apology. So instead, they will do everything they can to make up for what they did to offend you except change what made you upset. This is one act I'm not practically fond of but it's the best I can get for most people, the truth is I don't like this method because it doesn't guarantee that they won't repeat the same offense in the future. The fact that you feel remorse relieves me because it shows that you're human after all since many of us believe in action rather than words, but some part of me still would like to hear you say those words so I could believe that you mean it. Hopefully, it doesn't sound like I'm asking for too much by saying so. I just want us to have a verbal understanding that a line was crossed between us where I'm not angry, but I was taken aback by some action or words done by someone I respect. Admittedly, the reason why I don't speak up about someone else hurting me is not that they should know better but I fear I would be taken seriously if I do bring it up. If you don't mind, I'd like to share two examples.
I was faced with many letdowns in the previous year, more times than most the other party notices that they did something that upset me but they fail to acknowledge it on their own. I was given three apologies last year, and all three of those apologies came with some sort of asterisk at the end of it. Two of them were your typical "I'm sorry buts" where they still needed to acknowledge your error and the third didn't sound sincere because you can still hear the fire in their voice as they said it, I would like to talk about the third apology if that's okay with you. What started as a misunderstanding among one another's intentions led to a certain word said out of anger from the other party, didn't make me angry but I made it clear to them that I would never call them out of name in that manner. They did apologize for saying that which I'm thankful for, but no apology was said as to what led to us being in this uncomfortable situation. I know they feel bad because they did attempt to take some actions to make up for their error, so much so that I was contacted on my birthday to be taken out for lunch. I turned down the offer for two reasons: The first is because my mother and I just came back from a very heavy birthday lunch of our own so I certainly did not want to feel like that again. Secondly, I didn't feel right attending something without us making amends first (plus I don't like food as gifts). I knew their heart was in the right place and I appreciate that very much, but ever since I turned down the offer we haven't spoken since which is something I didn't want. I just wanted some reassurance that everything will be all right between us from this moment forward before we even sat down, I know we'll reunite one day.
I don't want to end this entry with the impression that the world owes me for their wrongdoings, I too have had my fair share of instances where I should've done so for myself. I apologize for not being forward to others immediately after something was done to upset me, I do this so I don't react to others emotionally. By the time I've come to terms with it with what had happened, it'll feel like it's too late to rationalize everything by bringing it up again. I apologize for not being honest with accepting that others are not in my life, I say this because not out of loneliness but because most situations are fixable where we refuse to mend what broke us apart. It’s easy for me to point this out as “true colors”, but I’d like to call it unreliable. I apologize for not taking that lunch offer, I say that now because I should've credited them a little bit more for trying and seeing it from their point of view. I apologize for putting everybody else’s mental needs first before my own, I dislike disappointing others and my truth has made others disappear because they don’t like the feeling of guilt. It’s not fair to me that I have to keep my mouth shut so we can continue what we have, in some cases it’s better that they left altogether. Most importantly, I apologize to myself for not speaking up about what bothers me among others. By doing that gave others the impression that I didn't care enough to address to issue to see them defeated by my anguish, I cared too much and that was wrong for my sanity
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