What if a new purpose you chose to pursue in life to improve your mental health was seen as a curse to some around you, it’s questions like this that keep me up at night. Sometimes I have to ask myself if I'm living a lie because nobody believes in me or if I'm seeing a bigger picture that others refuse to acknowledge, more than 2 years strong I'm still convinced that this is the right path for me to continue in my life. Ever since I took the oath to not become angry or reactive towards others, I could count with one hand the times I've snapped at someone since then which confirms that I've vastly improved in not responding to situations I cannot control. Unfortunately, doing so made me lose the women closest to me. Refusing to fight back or respond to their aggressive behavior might've been seen to them as cowardly or downright pathetic, but since when has trying to return to a situation with a clear head vowed as not being responsible?
Even though I’ve accepted it a little more than over a year ago, the departure of my best friend haunts me from time to time (more so in the wintertime). Whenever I think back to the moments leading to the split, I remember her challenging my newfound oath as if it was a waste of time because she spoke to me as if she didn't believe in what I was trying to prevent in the heat of the moment. She was the very last person I snapped at, it was from that moment on where I understood how important it is that I keep this personal change going and swore not to snap at anybody else again after losing her the way that I did. After getting involved with a goat I thought things would be different this time because I learned my lesson with my best friend, but when things were starting to go awry between us one Wednesday morning I decided not to argue with her and I took a responsible approach to step out of the room completely so we can both cool off for a while so we wouldn't say things that we'd regret. The only problem was that we never got around to speaking about the issue due to a tight schedule she had with her friends that day, things fell apart the next morning when she decided that we should intimately part ways because I chose not to speak about the problem when things were getting heated. It bothered me for months how choosing not to be receptive to her snapback remarks caused me to lose someone else special in my life, which was the opposite of how I lost my best friend. So from that moment forward I really wasn't sure what I was supposed to do anymore, it felt like I was pushed to lose regardless.
Exactly one year after the goat incident I went on a two-day getaway with another close friend (no infatuation or hidden agenda of any kind), it was her first time riding on the train which she also enjoyed all the sightseeing and not having to drive anywhere. We went around the city to check out places and you could tell that she was having a good time because she hadn't done something like that before, I was also careful that I didn't over-exceed her physical limits since she was recently discharged from having surgery. The next morning I wanted her to see something interesting but in order to do so she had to climb up some intimidating-looking stairs to get there, I told her we could take it slow so we don't have to sweat or in case she felt any pain but she still declined to attempt. I wasn't mad or upset that she didn't want to try but I was taken aback because she was one of the best examples in my life that always pushed herself to succeed, I remained quiet for a little bit because I was trying to register what just happened and I was asking myself if I went too far. Unfortunately, she took my silence as a sign of anger (since she knows that I'm non-responsive when I'm upset per "oath"). The less I spoke, the more agitated she became and it wasn't on purpose but I just didn't want to respond to her energy. So much so that she called me a name out of anger, it was at that moment that I clarified to her that I have never spoken to her in that fashion which she apologized for it. We tried to talk it out about an hour later but you could feel her fury from earlier, the only thing that went through my mind was if I learned my lesson with my best friend and with the goat because I'm not sure what was working anymore. The train ride back home was very quiet having to sit in separate seats a few aisles apart because the tension was still in the air, she tried to reimburse me for part of the trip but I declined. To this day, I'm still not angry about the situation because i never was to begin with and I know we'll speak again eventually. I just want to do it when she's ready, plus I'm at the point in my life right now where I need to focus on myself for a while.
It's tiring losing people due to misunderstandings because you refuse to look at a situation from another person's perspective, it’s because of things like this where I feel like a complete failure because of it (which I know I'm not). It's defeating being around those that make me feel like my best isn't good enough since many of those people are the ones I would do anything for, losing the women I cared about has genuinely put a dent in my spirits because it makes me not want to engage another woman’s presence in terms of a friendship or even anything more. It bothers me even more knowing that these encounters are not also preventable but they are fixable (well... 2 of them), but you can't compete with another person's pride so why bother? It makes me question if my happiness matters to them or if they even understand that I refuse to fight them even when they were at their worst, I was happy just being around their presence which I never actually told them this. I learned two things from this experience within the past two years: friendships/relationships shouldn't feel like you're in sudden death where one disagreement and you struck out, also that anybody that accepts your flaws that's patient enough to still wants you in their life deserves a little more praise than most. Continuing to practice this "oath" has been one of the best things that have happened to me that many won't understand because I care about my mental health and the other party enough not to engage in their verbally combative or offensive behavior, it just doesn't seem fair that I've been penalized more than praised for it for this method. I know this is the right thing for me to do since it doesn't feel like it comes from those that have no problem fighting back, they can't seem to tell the difference between being a pacifist and the silent treatment (one means that you refuse to fight). The lack of understanding and appreciation makes me question if I am worth fighting for, I know I am and I know for a fact that the ladies do miss me... I just wish I was a little more convinced.
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