Have you ever had a difficult time getting over a situation you knew wasn’t going to go in your favor but you went with it anyway just in case your gut intuitions might be wrong? This was one of those instances where everything surrounding what I encountered didn’t work out for me at all, maybe if I started from the beginning it might all make sense. A friend reached out to me towards the end of November stating that another friend of his who was impressed with my work was looking for a photographer for a huge event coming up in the next few weeks, from the beginning I wasn’t sure if I wanted to attend something like this because I knew something like this wasn’t really for me but I didn’t want to let my friend down either since I was recommended by him because he knew this could open doors for more opportunities in the future. I spoke to the last girl I was involved with about the opportunity that was given to me and she was very persistent in pressuring me to go since she was attending the same event, we had this conversation while a close friend was present to hear this as well. I brought him along to keep her company while I was shooting another event (since they were already pretty familiar with each other), and they seemed to get along very well during the show which I was happy with because she was safe (killing two birds with one stone). About a week later while I was still on the fence about attending the upcoming event because I still wasn't comfortable with the whole situation, I received a phone call from the close friend saying that he bought a ticket for the same show I was pensive about attending. It was at that moment where against all odds I agreed to participate in the event basically for him because I knew that he would’ve had difficulty traveling that far, despite everything that was happening my gut was still trying to warn me not to go through with it. But why?
It took two metro links and a Lyft to get there because he would've taken a Lyft all the way there during rush hour traffic on a Friday afternoon if I didn't guide him there, this way he could pay far less than expected without feeling like his wallet was empty before he got there. As soon as we got to the event there was an issue, my name wasn't on the photographer's list and I knew I didn't travel this far just to be turned away. I had to make a phone call and a couple of text messages to get in, my close friend got in with ease since he purchased a ticket already. After a thirty-minute wait as I was preparing to leave, I was given the green light to be let inside. Walking inside I was already feeling uneasy seeing everyone not taking the proper safety precautions (no mask on) and everyone was intoxicated when the show barely even started, it didn't help that the venue felt crowded and hard to maneuver around to capture the shots that they wanted. I began taking photos for the event and kept checking back on my friend to see if he was all right, it wasn't until about an hour later that the girl I still cared about showed up and they kept each other company throughout the night. After going back and forth a couple of times, I noticed that it became harder to get up close due to the crowd gravitating towards the front of the stage and it was harder to journey myself back to check on my friends as I kept seeing the uncomfortable sight of her arms wrapped around my close friend the more they drank, either way, it was at that moment that concluded for me that being there was a bad idea. Before I continue, let me state that I wasn't feeling jealous about witnessing that because he understood how I still felt about her. Plus if she had to be intoxicated around anyone I knew I'd rather it be him and not anybody else so I trusted him, this circling around continued for about 2 more hours until the show was finally over. We walked her back to her car and as she drove off our ride arrived for the long ride home, he told me that he had to tell me something before we got in the car. The confession was that they made out at the event, there was that gut-punch that was waiting for me.
That ride back home was awkward because I was battling my emotions on how to respond to what I just heard, I knew I wasn't angry about it and I respected him for being honest with me but that anguish was unbearable at the time. The reason why I didn’t get angry was that I understood the situation through his perspective seeing I knew what he was going through in his love life, with the woman that he cared about not paying him any attention and another that was willing to give him the attention he wanted but came with a price and now this new one that just happened. With him feeling the way he did and her being in her feel-good self when she’s had a few drinks with her favorite kind of music while they were both at the moment with alcohol heavily involved, it would be impossible for me to not understand. It was hard for me to sleep that night because I don't think neither of them would've understood how much that affected me, the one rule I had for myself that day was to not respond out of emotion. I made the difficult decision the next morning to put the friendship with the close friend on hold as I gather my emotions, I left a package for him the next morning that contained his Christmas gift that I was going to give to him a week later with a note saying that I needed some space for a little while and I was thankful that he understood. That was the straw that broke that camel’s back for me because I was tired of this series of unfortunate events keep happening in my life throughout the year, this was the final push that inspired me to write an “open letter” I wrote the same day. I know it hurt him for me to do that and it hurt me as well, I know we’ll speak again soon but I don’t want to be reminded of that hit to the gut for now.
As far as she goes, I’m tired of holding on as of right now. I know there’s a lot I could say but I don’t want to speak from a place of hurt and disappointment, I just know that if my feelings won’t be respected, reconsidered, or reciprocated then it’s no use for me to stick around at this time. It’s not fair for me to hold on if nothing will come out of it, I know it bothers her that I’m pulling away since I even sent her a Christmas package before the show happened but she needs to understand where I’m coming from as well (if she wants to). It’s easy for me to call this a betrayal or say something spiteful at the moment but at the same time should I have been there? Absolutely not, I blame myself for even bringing it up in the first place because if I didn’t then this avalanche of misfortune wouldn’t have happened. I’m angrier with myself that everything happened to see the result of how nothing good came out of this, and all this wouldn’t have happened if I had just listened to my gut from the beginning. Lessons learned, always trust your gut.
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