t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

  When the recent global pandemic began one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was that people respond poorly to panic, I say that because fear makes you strategize for the worst and panic makes you react impulsively. With my mother who was recently retired from her job after 30 long years (which is well deserved), she spends her remaining days glued to the television day in and day out stating that there’s nothing on tv (I joke with her saying that I would put that on her tombstone). On top of dealing with my job trying to handle the pandemic the best they could that was also stressing me out as well as for everyone else, I also had to anticipate coming home to my mother who was beyond paranoid about what the news was telling her every day. On top of social media and other people constantly texting me talking about the virus, my mother didn't want to speak about anything else but that at the time. She grew frustrated with me because I didn't want to speak about it, I

    Good evening cross watcher!   A little late right?   I hate this phrase but “better late than never right?”   I hope you’re safe, I hope you’re indoors and I wish I had more to say but I’m not feeling it today.   But I do want to talk about this real quick…    I revived “The Hardest March” because it was written from my father’s side of the family not responding to me reaching out to them after my grandmother’s passing, this included my father at the time as well.   Coincidentally, it also came to play after a couple of people complained about being stuck in quarantine but wouldn’t respond to me reaching out to them.   See the similarities?   I went on a venting spree on Twitter but I purposely left that one out because I didn’t want people to think I was being unrealistic but you can’t complain about being lonely and still post about being bored AFTER I try to check up on you, they were being selective on their end and that’s not right.   Years ago after posting “The Hardest

It's hard to believe that the year isn't even half over and yet I'm afraid to see how the rest of the year is going to turn out like. With having 2 family deaths back to back, who could? By having both of my both grands passing away on my dad's side of the family, I felt like I should reconnect with the side of the family that I rarely kept in contact with. During my grandmother's last days, I saw her as much as I could and the family knew that. Regrettably speaking, I had the impression that I should be reconnecting with my family during this time of need even though they felt it was my fault that I was never around. Around the time of my grandmother's death, the family seemed stuck without direction and I was more than willing to help out as much as I could.  But somehow after the funeral, I tried to keep in contact with my folks and guess what? Nobody responds. They asked me to stay in touch and they let it go. I'm doing what the next person would do duri

    Good morning cross watcher!! Are you still sane?   How many fingers am I holding up?   Have you been catching up on movies or shows or possibly games?   Did you know that board game sales are booming right now?   What I wouldn’t do to be young again playing “Connect 4”.   I hope you regain some clarity about yourself during this downtime, I hope you learn something new.   I hope you reach out to someone that you haven’t spoken to in a while, I hope you forgave someone who disappointed you.   I hope you told someone that you thought about them, I hope you told someone that you loved them.   There’s a lot of things you could do at this time, no matter what it is I believe you can achieve whatever you think you couldn’t do.   Believe that you’re great and that you can’t be stopped, you got this.   Would you mind if I opened up to you about something?   I hope it makes sense, here we go.   Something that came over me at work yesterday, I wish there wasn’t this stigma that I had to

   It happened on a Monday during the 2nd week of March where suddenly and out of nowhere I was starting to miss my father more than usual, as to why he crossed my mind at this particular moment or what sparked it is something I really can’t tell you because I honestly don’t know. His urn is the first thing I see when I enter my house and I greet him every day while I’m taking off my shoes, but on this day I wished that he could’ve said something back to me for once because I really needed for him to tell me that I was going to be all right. It wasn't until recently where I was starting to feel lonely again because I felt like I couldn't reach out to my peers due to issues they didn't understand or didn’t even try to, it's been a struggle to cope since my best friend is always online but she ghosting me and my father is right in front of me but he's in ashes (so close yet so far). This is something I couldn't even speak to my mother about because she wants nothi

Today was supposed to be the 35th anniversary of my parent's marriage if they had stayed together, they got married the same year that I was born (my mom was pregnant with me while they were getting married). I understood that at an early age love and commitment is hard because I learned it from them. Unfortunately, their marriage started falling apart really bad while I was in my early teens since I really couldn’t recall all of us happily being together as one since probably I was in elementary school. They had different work schedules with my dad always being out with his buddies into the late hours after he was off while my mom was always tired from her long commutes to work and back so she just wanted to be at home which made it difficult for them to ever have time for each other, they always had time for me but never enough to keep the flame alive for one another since that candle had been extinguished for years. When I see these photos today I don’t recognize these people at

   Good morning cross watcher!!   How’s the quarantine life?   Pretty boring I assume, that’s okay because you have plenty of options that you can do that you’re not thinking about. It’s the best time to be caught up on any projects or shows/movies you might’ve missed out on, no better time than now right?   Are you working from home?   Are you easily distracted?   I would be too.   Believe it or not, I was thankful that I linked up with you on Tuesday rather than Wednesday.   I’m not sure why I had the urge to speak to you on Tuesday morning (probably because I didn’t on Sunday) but I was on a plane back home so I wouldn’t have a chance to talk to you otherwise, when I revealed the “ 49 hours ” story to you and the rest of the world (on Instagram) it was a huge hit.   Who knew right?   Did you know that the news hit me up wanting to use my photos?   That’s actually true, I couldn’t believe how popular that story was.   Originally I was going to end it here but I’d like to share somet

   With the world in chaos about a new virus spreading around with no way how it’s being contracted to others, it easily puts everyone around you into a panic. It was so bad that we couldn’t keep up having water, toilet paper or even towel papers on the floor for no more than an hour per day. The frenzy and the media kept making the situation worse by the day making people's deepest fears of being isolated starting to come to reality, with that happening it made the lines at my job longer by the day as others became paranoid hoping we would supply their needs. I just like everyone else at my job became easily overwhelmed with the massive volume that we had to face even before the doors opened, clocking out was the biggest relief of the day that we were looking forward to. My only problem was that I had a mountain of texts waiting for me full of people only talking about the same subject (which was the one I was trying to avoid) and coming home to my mother who is constantly watchi

    Good morning cross watcher!!   Are you okay?   Have you been feeling alright despite all the chaos that's going on around us right now?   Did you get all that you needed before everything sold out?   I'm not going to bombard you with anything more than what you haven't seen on the news already, or social media, and most likely your peers because I trust that you're taking the responsible measures to be safe.   Because of the panic from my job, my peers, my job, and especially my mother I have decided to leave my home and return to " Oasis City " for a little bit.   I will return in a few days and I'm avoiding major crowds, I will admit that it's surreal to see most of the town deserted to the point where I had a movie theater to myself.   It was one of the best and worst impulsive decisions I've made lately, I didn't want to spend my vacation quarantined with a panicky mother... but on we go.   I know I was not at a good place when I s

How transparent do you have to be to let the person in front of you know that you're fading away? You never know what you have in your life even if it's right in front of you or even if it stabbed you in the heart. It takes many years or one tragedy for you to see what you can't touch anymore. We treat each other like we're going to live forever until something slaps you in the face but even then it might not phase you. We're not as strong as you believe us to be and neither are you, don't front like you don't need me or anybody else when in reality you can't walk another step unless you know that we’re behind you. You're just as emotionally fragile as I am, where's the logic of throwing glass to a rock? How could you ignore that broken record repeating itself over and over again to you while you sit there staring at the broken vase of your ignorance? What's the point of gluing something together that you're eventually going to break

  The first 2 weeks in March of 2015 was a memorable time for my best friend and I because not only were we exposed to something that impacted us but we also did something that made an impact on others in return, it gave us both a chance to explore two different kinds of “firsts” that made a huge impression on everyone. When the album of a new band that we both fell in love with dropped in stores, the album release concert followed the next day. Unfortunately, my best friend couldn't attend that show because she was heavy in the books studying for an upcoming test that required her full attention. The show was “So Good” that I had to FaceTime the event for her because I didn't want to experience it alone and I didn't want her to miss her favorite songs from that album, the people around me adored what I was doing for her so much that it caught the bands attention as well. It left a huge impression on my best friend and I leaving the both of us extremely excited, it was on t

  Good morning cross watcher!! Do you have plenty of hand sanitizer? I’m just pulling your leg, have you been having a good week despite the chaos of what’s going on with the world? I’ve personally been overwhelmed by it, I’ve secluded myself not out of fear but I can’t deal with the panic in the world right now. I hope you are feeling the same way, you know how to stay safe from harm’s way but I can’t seem to deal with others when they’re in a panic state of emergency. Besides that, I hope you’re well. This is the last day of Mercury Retrograde! Did anything weird or different take place during these past few weeks? Between us, it’s been in my favor (but the last one in November was horrible). However, it was awful for everybody else and a lot of them put that weight on me. I found out a few people were watching me and one person subliminally possibly had been missing me? I subliminally replied but I’m not sure if they received the message, if they didn’t that’s fine too. Even though

(The following story touches back on a previous entry that I disclosed about my troubles among peers, though I still struggle with this issue today keep in mind that once again this is not to speak poorly of others nor is it to make anybody look bad but this is going to talk about my regrets of opening up and how I continue to remain silent today.   Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this entry, thank you.)    The idea of what her thoughts are of me still runs through my mind daily with a glimmer of hope that she somehow realizes that I’m not some kind of monster, I say that because my idea of her hasn’t changed no matter how the other influences around us try to tell me differently.   If there was any kind of regret that I’ve had about our situation after the split it is to reach out to those who would ultimately turn their back on her and not see the situation as a two-sided perspective, because rather than seeing it a situation about a misunderstanding it became a

  Good morning cross watcher! How did the extra day of the year treat you? Did you do something fun and productive? I hope so because you won’t see it for another 4 years from now, I hope you made it count. Have you been feeling alright? Have things been working in your favor? Mercury Retrograde is still in effect so don’t be surprised if you hear from someone you didn’t expect, or if things do or don't dramatically work in your favor.   With that being said, let me tell you about this epiphany I had recently.   Even though I fear being alone and I still have bouts with loneliness more so here and there, I’ve actually come to terms with it ever since I returned from my “ escape ”.   I kind of realized that a lot of people in my life aren’t good for my spirit, it doesn’t mean that they’re bad people but they’re not ones to motivate or help me during problematic times in my life.   It’s not so much of my “friends” showing their true colors but it’s the aspect of me accepting