honor

  It happened on a Monday during the 2nd week of March where suddenly and out of nowhere I was starting to miss my father more than usual, as to why he crossed my mind at this particular moment or what sparked it is something I really can’t tell you because I honestly don’t know. His urn is the first thing I see when I enter my house and I greet him every day while I’m taking off my shoes, but on this day I wished that he could’ve said something back to me for once because I really needed for him to tell me that I was going to be all right. It wasn't until recently where I was starting to feel lonely again because I felt like I couldn't reach out to my peers due to issues they didn't understand or didn’t even try to, it's been a struggle to cope since my best friend is always online but she ghosting me and my father is right in front of me but he's in ashes (so close yet so far). This is something I couldn't even speak to my mother about because she wants nothing to do with this topic (and if she ever does she keeps it short), so I was stuck with this emptiness that I couldn’t tell anybody else. I kind of revealed it to others but I didn’t tell them how deep it was, the only people that understood me at the time were people that also lost their fathers but I was afraid to approach them about it because I didn’t want to reopen that door for them. I did think back to a specific time where it all started to fall apart and how the people that I love tend to break my heart (whether it’s family or not), two questions came to mind.

  One question that keeps going through my mind is: Why would she say something that hurtful about my father? I know that she was upset with me when we spoke and sometimes she can impulsively say things out of anger that she probably didn’t mean but this was the one time that I was afraid we couldn’t recover from it, to this day I don’t think she really understands the magnitude of how impactful that was (maybe she does and doesn’t want to admit it). To say that you would mimic my father's demise after you know how much it hurt me is a mockery to not only my emotions on the subject but to his death, it was so hurtful that I couldn't even respond to her. Even though she apologized, I still shoved what she said so far down my subconscious because it was that hurtful for me to even think about. The problem was that I never really let it go because the magnitude was far greater than I could withstand. After all, this was the person I wanted in my future since she was my rock, as much as I tried to let it pass me by it was too painful for me to not ignore it anymore. I know she said it to get a reaction out of me but the truth was that it killed me inside, it honestly destroyed my strength. As much as my father has hurt me in the past, he did not deserve to be spoken about like that. Not even from her, which leads me to my next question.

  The next question that I constantly asked myself was: Is it wrong to defend someone that always disappointed you? This question is geared towards my father, speaking about his patchy appearances from my early teens to his passing. When he was still here on this earth I was hurt that we weren’t closer since he had submitted his life into alcoholism instead of trying to sustain a relationship with his son, but what I didn’t know until near the end was how depressed he was and how it was hard for him to show his face.  I grew bitter with him throughout high school and so forth because he would hardly ever try to spend a full day with me, take away the materialism and other things in my life because I really wanted my father in the picture. I strayed away from father’s day type events because I didn’t think it was fair that mine wasn’t there by choice but maybe if I had put myself in his shoes I would’ve understood what he had been through, that was something that came to light years after his passing. Did I go too far with him or am I giving him a pass because I miss him?  Or maybe it’s because I didn’t understand how hurt he was as a man because it wasn’t until I felt like I failed my best friend where I needed him in my life at that moment, it made me feel like I failed him or even disappointed him if he was still here.  When nobody else was within reach, I knew the right person with possibly the right answer was the person who’s mistakes I was learning from growing up.  Believe it or not, I forgive them both I just haven’t forgiven myself.  Because I know deep down that I’m not a failure and that I’m not a bad guy, people do love me they just have a difficult way of showing it… just like him.  Or maybe.. just like me.  Like father like son.