Good morning cross watcher!! Are you still sane? How many fingers am I holding up? Have you been catching up on movies or shows or possibly games? Did you know that board game sales are booming right now? What I wouldn’t do to be young again playing “Connect 4”. I hope you regain some clarity about yourself during this downtime, I hope you learn something new. I hope you reach out to someone that you haven’t spoken to in a while, I hope you forgave someone who disappointed you. I hope you told someone that you thought about them, I hope you told someone that you loved them. There’s a lot of things you could do at this time, no matter what it is I believe you can achieve whatever you think you couldn’t do. Believe that you’re great and that you can’t be stopped, you got this. Would you mind if I opened up to you about something? I hope it makes sense, here we go.
Something that came over me at work yesterday, I wish there wasn’t this stigma that I had to be strong for everybody. I appreciate the notion that I’m approachable during this time where everybody is losing their mind because I could calm their nerves by looking that the positives within the negatives but at the same time who’s checking out for me? That’s the point I keep forgetting to do, and the one time I try to do that it backfired. Within the first 2 days returning to my job, I remembered why I left out of state in the first place because halfway through the 2nd day I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed all over again. I hate the idea that it feels like I have to deal with every situation by myself and whenever I do reach out to someone they slowly depart once they find out the magnitude of my stress, I thought about going to therapy but they’re not offering one on one sessions right now (online sessions cost more). I can’t remember the last time I cried, I think it was when I revealed to my mother how much of a disaster the events of “sinking” was. But the strength of my spirit won’t allow me to do so because I’m supposed to be this strong figure amongst peers (since I’m supposed to be seen as a person that never has problems), it’s to the point where (I’m kind of embarrassed to reveal this) but I have to rely on a “certain kind of” motivational videos on YouTube to inspire me to thrive every day. I might need a different approach when it comes to looking out for myself, one that caters only to me and nobody else. As much as I love helping other people, it sometimes bothers me that they’re more easily willing to help someone else than me. As if helping the person that lifts your spirits shouldn’t be a thing, when’s the last time you left cookies and milk for Santa? That’s my point. I am thankful that I still have no anger or hate towards another individual as I’m still practicing “THE OATH” (it’s going to be a year soon!) but I still have episodes of agitation, I’m still working on that one.
Did you know that the original title for “honor” was “the kings empty seat”? I changed the title at the last minute because it wasn’t a continuation of “the empty seat” which was writing back in November, the title “honor” also almost wasn’t used because I thought it was too bold of a name but the related words didn’t compare. It was actually supposed to be written during my time while “49 hours” took place, it was going to be written on a Wednesday morning but I was told to leave behindhand. And before you ask (even though you weren’t), I’m not sure when that photo was taken (I must’ve been 3) but it was recovered from my brother when my father passed away. I have difficulty writing entries next to my father’s urn now, maybe I didn’t before because when I first started this blog I was in a darker place so it was easier for me to speak out of my emotions (which weren’t positive at the time). I posted a photo of me, my brother and my father from 20 years ago on that made when I was missing him, it was met with positive remarks and I was thankful for that. "untitled marriage story" was directly copied from my Instagram, first time I did that actually. It was weeks prior to me posting it, it was appreciated by many that I opened up about my parent's love life like that. Did you know that the story for “49 hours” was met with high praise…. and laughter? I’m still surprised by how highly regarded that story was among people on social media and co-workers, they thought it was fake until I showed them photos. Before closing I would like to state that I’m going to try and make most of the stories this week family-related, they make me sick sometimes but they blood and I love them by default because I won’t replace them. Until next we link up again… this is the setting of where I was going to write “honor” (I sent this to my mother to show her that I was safe.. 24 hours it was a different story).
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