nest

 When the recent global pandemic began one of the first thoughts that came to my mind was that people respond poorly to panic, I say that because fear makes you strategize for the worst and panic makes you react impulsively. With my mother who was recently retired from her job after 30 long years (which is well deserved), she spends her remaining days glued to the television day in and day out stating that there’s nothing on tv (I joke with her saying that I would put that on her tombstone). On top of dealing with my job trying to handle the pandemic the best they could that was also stressing me out as well as for everyone else, I also had to anticipate coming home to my mother who was beyond paranoid about what the news was telling her every day. On top of social media and other people constantly texting me talking about the virus, my mother didn't want to speak about anything else but that at the time. She grew frustrated with me because I didn't want to speak about it, I kinda put her on time out the next day and she apologized without apologizing (if that makes sense). It's not that I was ignoring what was going on with the world but I grew tired of everyone talking about it, it was hard to stay strong for everyone when they were scared of the unknown (which I understood). When my job told me I had to take a week off of work and the news was saying that they might start issuing people to be confined into their homes at the same time, I knew I didn't want to spend my vacation being stuck in my room. As much as I was worried about my mother and her well-being, I had to look out for myself even though she was scared. Selfishly, I decided to leave the city for my mental sanity. I needed some time to think for myself, and that meant getting away from my mother.

  At the time that my grandmother passed away in 2013, my aunt was her caregiver and her biggest fear was that if she left the house t the house that something might happen to her mother.  As it turned out, something actually did happen when she took a little birthday vacation while my cousin was looking after her. I didn't think about the dramatics when it came to my mother but I knew she was scared and I didn't know how to calm her down about what was going on in the world, I knew by me leaving home at that time wasn't the best approach when it came to the situation but I needed to strategize how to help myself as well so I could help her. My mother was the only person I messaged when I landed and when I told her about how empty the airplane was she started giving bad impressions already, I understood her concern but I didn't appreciate her making me feel like I was doomed even before my journey began. It bothered me that she felt trapped within her own home and her attempts to retrieve food or anything else for the pandemic was failing, I knew this frustrating her because she also had no one else to speak to on the matter since it was unavoidable. I felt bad because I was feeling like I wasn't doing my role in protecting her but the truth was that I was worried for her myself, lucky for her I was sent back home 2 days after I arrived in the new city.  When she picked me up from the drop-off she was already frustrated and immediately vented because she thought they were going to sell out of the food since the shelves were empty every place she went to, after about a couple of hours later I made sure we got plenty of food for the house.  I showed her that her approach was off by showing her that going later and not earlier has a huge benefit, that was the first time in weeks that I had seen her relaxed and at ease.  

   It was then where I understood my place with her a little more, I was supposed to protect her from the world because nobody else was going to.  I had episodes where I almost became emotional because I thought my careless decision was a sign that I didn’t care for her but in reality, I had to depart to stay strong for the both of us by me being away from the world I needed to collect myself to be mentally stronger for everyone else.  Those 2 days actually helped me a little more than I thought because when I came home I was more supportive and patient making me a little more prepared for what was to come my way, and it was what I needed to help my mother as well.  Thank you… and sorry mom.