(The following story touches back on a previous entry that I disclosed about my troubles among peers, though I still struggle with this issue today keep in mind that once again this is not to speak poorly of others nor is it to make anybody look bad but this is going to talk about my regrets of opening up and how I continue to remain silent today. Please keep this in mind as you’re reading this entry, thank you.)
The idea of what her thoughts are of me still runs through my mind daily with a glimmer of hope that she somehow realizes that I’m not some kind of monster, I say that because my idea of her hasn’t changed no matter how the other influences around us try to tell me differently. If there was any kind of regret that I’ve had about our situation after the split it is to reach out to those who would ultimately turn their back on her and not see the situation as a two-sided perspective, because rather than seeing it a situation about a misunderstanding it became a situation about a war that I never agreed to start and I blame myself for that. At one point, I thought by reaching out to the mutuals that we both knew who would’ve been mature enough to have the possible answers and solutions to help us could've eased the situation or tell me the dynamics of how it went out of control. But instead, it turned into those wanting to do nothing with her because of how I was treated in the dilemma and that wasn't the result I was seeking. I never once asked anyone to take my side or to pity me but to listen to the troubling tale that's been haunting me in my sleep since I lost someone important to me and I thought by me opening up to these people would not only help the tension in my heart but to also help them understand the situation. Unfortunately, they don't understand to have my back is not to cut her off completely but to understand the story in case she approached them with her side so they have both angles of the dynamics. If I wanted to play victim then I wouldn't have stated how I played a bigger role in her wanting to depart from me and not making seem like she was at fault, as equal as I tried to make it the response she gave towards to situations made everyone cut ties with her altogether and that bothered me the most. Even when I was told a story by someone I never once favored the person telling me about the situation immediately because if you fail to see how it could affect the person involved in the other side of your story then what's the point of me listening? Think about it.
Shortly after writing "the crowd", I had a friend call me to tell me that my best friend texted him and that he didn't plan to respond to her. I had to plea with him to respond to her because she still considered him a friend, I told him to not let the fallout between me and her interfere with the connection between him and her because she'll know immediately that he was playing favorites. Even though he didn't like what she did to me and he had my back but I didn't ask for him to ignore her or to treat her this way, I can't tell people what to do but I'm thankful that he listened to me at that moment. The trigger that got me to write "the crowd" was when another mutual friend of ours needed something and I thought of the perfect person and it was her but they said replied saying that after her attitude about the fallout they would not consider her at all, they acknowledged that they were "taking sides" but they didn't appreciate her reaction towards how we parted ways at the end. It's to the point right now where I'm not sure which one is worse, the people that take sides after hearing one side of the story or those who know both sides and both parties but want nothing to do with it. Either way, it makes me not want to talk or trust anybody. The only voice I could trust at times is Siri, and that's only because she's reading back my thoughts. I try to have every argument or disagreement between others between me and that particular person, but when other people are involved it turns a straight away into a maze. What am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go?
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