t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

   When I think back to the year 2010, it was a very memorable year up until the finish line.   All of my favorite musicians released new material that year and some of my favorite video game franchises were releasing sequels as well, I also got into my first fist fight since I was in middle school but that’s not even worth discussing.   It wasn’t until my father‘s passing near the end of November where that moment defined my year, I’m aware that I shouldn’t say or use that to identify my year but that’s how much of an impact it left on me towards the end.   2019 felt more or less the same, where things were picking up then my world dramatically changed as if the stock market crashed.   About how things were looking promising for me then out of the blue it just completely turned upside down, it would destroy my self-esteem for the duration of that year.   And the worst part was that I saw the goal from a distance, only to become unmotivated to even get near it because it wasn’t th

“These are all moments where you felt deeply, and the pain was too uncomfortable to process, so you stored them in your mind’s basement, the sub-conscience.” - Jacob Winograd; “Undone”.   I really can’t recall how it escalated as dramatically as it did, but I do remember being too ashamed to talk about this topic for a long time so I blocked it from my memory as soon as it died down. I tucked this situation away so far at the bottom of my mind that it would be hard to reach, that door has not been opened until now so this is my first time publicly discussing it since it’s near the anniversary of the incident. Even to this day, it’s still difficult for me to speak about this so be patient with me if it seems derailed here and there.   Two days before we entered the new year, the Christmas gift I provided for my best friend started to malfunction. Coincidentally, I had the same thing so I offered to exchange hers with mine so I could get it fixed for her. As she grew frustra

   Back in 2014, my best friend wasn’t working at the time and finding work was much harder than she anticipated.   But I provided for her as much as I could during that period so she couldn’t struggle with things such as food, music, movies, gas from time to time, any part of our adventures, I did everything I could to keep her as active as possible.   She was on the process of going back to school to become a pharmacy technician, so I made sure that she kept her head in the books with little interruptions (or not as much knowing me).   During the holiday season, she really couldn’t provide with me much for my birthday or Christmas but instead she MADE me a Christmas card from scratch.   I’ve never really had someone make me anything for a birthday/Christmas gift, not since another friend did 7 months earlier (even to this day it’s a rare occasion).   The card reads: “December 2014 KAI, I KNOW THAT I PUT YOU THROUGH LOTS OF UNNECESSARY PAIN AND AGONY OVER THE YEAR/

  Though I have many regrets about us and how things could’ve been different, there’s one thing in particular that consistently goes through my mind that I blame myself for. It’s one of those “ woulda shoulda coulda ” situations but nonetheless, it plays on rotation in my mind and it might be a decision I’ll probably live to regret. During our fight on the way home that seemed to be  spiraling out of control by the minute , I tried my absolute best to resolve the situation before it escalated to things getting worse. There was a certain point of our fight that I wanted to give up entirely because I didn’t want to fight with her negativity anymore, it was tampering with my mood and I didn’t want that negative energy to spread towards me. I couldn’t handle it anymore but we were on the road and not sure what to do, I was honestly tired of trying to mend something that didn’t want to be fixed and my patience was wearing thin. What was I supposed to do?   Before we hit the 405 (where th

   This photo session took place on the 3rd Wednesday in August, it happened to also land on the birthday of a mutual friend of ours. It took place near Downtown Los Angeles to a somewhat hidden spot where I said we would visit one year prior, and it took us this long to finally tackle it again. I knew about this place because another mutual friend lived within the same area, and she has one of the best views outside her balcony window that I’ve ever known to this day. To me, nothing feels like being at home like seeing the DTLA buildings from a distance. And for her, one of the exciting things to see (which is not easy to find) is a spiral staircase.     Unfortunately, my best friend’s morning had a rough start at home and her day at work wasn’t getting any better. One of her coworkers had just been terminated from her job, which immediately altered the mood from her office. From that moment, I knew that her day wasn’t going to get better. So I had the idea for us to visit th

  In the early 2000s, my father had invited me a couple of times to sleep in his car next to the Santa Monica Pier and to listen to the waves until it puts us to sleep. This was something I wouldn’t understand until my early 20’s, somewhere around my first steps into photography. I can’t really pinpoint what year it was exactly, but I noticed how soothing and calming the crash of the waves were to my spirit. Like they were washing away my troubles, whatever sorrows or heartaches I had. I wouldn’t say that it rejuvenated me because that’s far from the truth, but it reassured me that everything will eventually be alright. The pounding sounds from the waves being washed away felt like it was licking the wounds to whatever was troubling me at the time, to tell me that someone somewhere hopes that I’m doing okay. On the same day as my father’s passing, I returned to the same place to stare into the darkness of the sea to listen to the sounds that he’d been intending for me to hear all the

    It was around February or March where I found myself feeling stuck with certain areas in my life, it was also at this certain time where I felt like being angry was a secondary emotion that I did not need at the time and that I hardly needed a reason to be.   I thought to myself, rather than expressing my anger against the person that’s enticing it or towards someone who didn't deserve it then why not just get rid of it altogether ?   It felt good being at peace at the time where I didn’t need a reason to get tensed up or have my blood boiling for little to no reason, yeah I did get frustrated from time to time but I had no intention of expressing any unnecessary angst or something small or minimal.   Even when some ridiculous incidents that followed in the months to come, I still refused to show any kind of anger towards situations that were out of my control .   The trick I used was breathing, and asking myself if whatever was upsetting me was really worth this muc

   Every Labor Day my best friend and I take a yearly rendezvous to Las Vegas, a tradition we’ve been doing for 6 years and this would be our 7th. I secretly had plans for us during this upcoming trip, I was hoping we would return home as a couple . She bought tickets for a show for us to watch, I knew this was going to be a new change for us so I was really looking forward to it . Unfortunately, an incident occurred between us that put our entire friendship in a standstill, which caused my best friend to cancel on going to the trip 4 days before we were supposed to leave. My attempts to fix things before the trip was unsuccessful, so I gave my mom a warning the day before the trip saying that I might be going alone. She offered to take me to the airport in the morning so I could catch a flight over there, she didn’t want me to waste my money so it was the least she could do.   It was around 3:30 in the morning when my mother woke me up and told me to get ready to go, still feelin

  Our relationship has never been concrete from the beginning, I’m one to go with the flow but not one to ride the waves especially if those waters are on unfamiliar territory. Ever since we met, I felt something didn’t seem right because everything about her and my best friend happened SO fast. And usually when fast friendships happen its solidity can deteriorate rather quickly, and I didn’t want that in my life at the time. When it came down to it the only thing we really had in common was that we both cared for our best friend, very much like the relationship between my brother and me when it comes to our mother. From that day forward we weren’t really as close as we should’ve been, whenever topics would come up for me to get to know her better she’d change the subject or refuse to speak on them. Not that I was nosey about her personal life but I’m not going to give my 100% if she wasn’t, to this day I never knew her last name. Both of our fathers had passed away and we ha

  One of the hardest things to do for some people is knowing how to listen, and not just knowing how to listen but the willingness to understand what the other person is saying to them. I kind of pride myself on being the ear that most people need when they have to vent, I respect them for being open enough to unveil something to me because I know how hard it is for some people to even open up about anything. Gaining their trust is one thing but for them to be taken seriously with their words is another, and with that trust I hope they trust me with the words I can provide for them to help them with whichever situation they’re in. I tend to be the voice of reason for a lot of people that I know, I do this because I wish I had one for myself. I know this sounds very random and out of the blue, but let me give you a situation on why I’m speaking like this.   There was an incident that occurred between my childhood friend and his lady, thankfully and unfortunately I was there as

    Since I revisited a certain situation that I blocked from my memory , I decided to tackle the other half of the story as well for a better understanding of the situation that I previously spoke about before . I hope by me extending this story gives a little more clarity on the issue, because I realized it really couldn’t be explained in one paragraph…    We met her through another friend who is a DJ that coincidentally had the same name as her, we didn’t keep in touch per se but I never forgot her (my best friend kept in touch with her more than I did).   I can’t recall how we rendezvoused again but she invited us to her cousin's house because she lived a mile away from our friends arcade and she was making dinner that night, I knew this could be the start of a something great.   Things after that night began to go smoothly between the three of us, when I think about it now things were probably going too fast for all of us as well.   Our new friend wasn’t too fond of h

- Lack of communication is the worst practice you can do to anybody even yourself. - Lack of communication ruins the potential for any issue to be resolved or mended. - Lack of communication gives you the freedom to play the victim in any situation whether you created it or not. - Lack of communication hurts more people than you would think to acknowledge. - Lack of communication gives you the freedom to assume what the other party is thinking or feeling, without confirming if their opinions about the situation are true. - Lack of communication lets you create or manipulate any part of the story regarding the parties involved without their consent. - Lack of communication can develop trust issues to the opposing party if the conflict isn’t properly resolved (depending on the situation). - Lack of communication gives you the ability to avoid confrontation without attempting to see what the conclusion might be.

   I actually spoke about this topic before , but I wanted to retouch on it again if you don’t mind.   The reason why I’m choosing to tell the story again is to hopefully have a little more clarity on this situation by revisiting it, because it really doesn’t make sense in the first place. The relationship between me and my best friends family have never really been spot on, especially with her oldest brother.. I was never fond of his “money rules everything” attitude, it was as if I had to be beneath him whenever we spoke.   For a good seven years we didn’t see eye to eye to one another about anything, we even got into a fistfight but that’s for another story at another time.   It wasn’t until their grandmother’s funeral when he saw the other side of me, mainly due to the fact that I was there to help his mother and that had changed his perspective for a while.   A couple  years went by and things are still minimal to say the least, he became a parent of two but the information t

   This might surprise you but you know what I look forward to every year? Birthday cards (and no, not because there might be money inside).   Because it is the one time each year that my mother expresses her love for me through the words of somebody else, even though she didn’t say those words herself I know she meant them.   I know she takes this very seriously because she takes her time picking the perfect card, I’ve seen her do this for others including my relatives as well.   I’m not one to shop for these cards myself (the funny ones maybe), but now that I’m older I understand the impact that those cards have.   I have broken down and found myself browsing online through these kinds of cards myself, I found a lot of amazing cards particularly in the “Apology” section.   I was saying to myself that if someone gave me one of these after they’ve tragically messed up, I’d have an easier time forgiving them.    My childhood friend and his lady recently expressed wanting to att

   After a disastrous shoot at a show in August with one of my favorite bands , I left that show defeated and unmotivated as a photographer.   On top of other life events beyond my control at the same time, depression and anxiety were also the newcomers crashing into my life.   I was secretly afraid to touch my camera because I was terrified to let people down, but realistically I was afraid to let myself down as an artist once more.   Even though the photographs from that nightmarish show were somewhat praised, the conditions behind that those shots left me scarred to try anything else for a while.   Shortly before that show in August, a friend from Japan told me that the same music group was performing there again in November and that I should move my trip to when they would be there.   I declined the offer at first, but when my best friend canceled on going to Japan then I decided to reconsider and postponed my trip to take the offer for November.   This was going to be my red