resurface

   After a disastrous shoot at a show in August with one of my favorite bands, I left that show defeated and unmotivated as a photographer.  On top of other life events beyond my control at the same time, depression and anxiety were also the newcomers crashing into my life.  I was secretly afraid to touch my camera because I was terrified to let people down, but realistically I was afraid to let myself down as an artist once more.  Even though the photographs from that nightmarish show were somewhat praised, the conditions behind that those shots left me scarred to try anything else for a while.  Shortly before that show in August, a friend from Japan told me that the same music group was performing there again in November and that I should move my trip to when they would be there.  I declined the offer at first, but when my best friend canceled on going to Japan then I decided to reconsider and postponed my trip to take the offer for November.  This was going to be my redemption as a photographer, this was more important to me than anything else at the time.

   Typically I don’t ever announce my arrival to Japan just to keep the suspense alive for people watching me on social media, but when I finally announced it to everyone WHEN I did during that particular time it was bigger than I thought.  The band didn’t even know I was attending, I kept it that low key from everyone.  Some strings were pulled (thanks to the friends in Japan) and I was allowed to shoot for them once more, that nervous feeling from the last time I shot them was slowly erupting but I was determined to beat it.  I was only supposed to be there for one night, but the venue liked my photography and energy so much that they asked if I could attend the show the following night as well.  The most interesting part was that the Japanese fans of the group finally got to meet me, it was a big deal for them to see me in person but a bigger deal to watch me in action getting those shots that they adored.  I was completely left alone with full control of the shots, nobody was in the way or told me I couldn’t do anything.  I was happy that everybody was pleased with the shots (since it was a surprise move to everyone that I was going), but the happiest person to do this was me because I finally got another chance to make things right.  It was by far the best shoot I’ve ever done for them, this was my redemption.

   Speaking about this one month later after the shows, I feel much more accomplished as a photographer.  If I didn’t fail so bad (in my mind) with the previous show in August, I wouldn’t have traveled 5,500 miles just to make it right again.  Anxiety was at a low during my time there, I felt much more free of worry and stress than ever before.  I know this was a once in a lifetime thing but I am extremely thankful for the band, the new fans/friends that I met, and to my family in Japan for making this possible for me.  Without their help and support, my doubts as a photographer would’ve still been at an all-time high.  They had no idea (and that'll be my last time saying it), but they helped me redeem myself.