quarter short

   When I think back to the year 2010, it was a very memorable year up until the finish line.  All of my favorite musicians released new material that year and some of my favorite video game franchises were releasing sequels as well, I also got into my first fist fight since I was in middle school but that’s not even worth discussing.  It wasn’t until my father‘s passing near the end of November where that moment defined my year, I’m aware that I shouldn’t say or use that to identify my year but that’s how much of an impact it left on me towards the end.  2019 felt more or less the same, where things were picking up then my world dramatically changed as if the stock market crashed.  About how things were looking promising for me then out of the blue it just completely turned upside down, it would destroy my self-esteem for the duration of that year.  And the worst part was that I saw the goal from a distance, only to become unmotivated to even get near it because it wasn’t the ending I wanted to conclude my year with.  

   My year started with the purchase of a game console that my best friend wanted to get me for Christmas, I bought it a mere 2 days before a storm hit LA that would last for weeks.  Purchased my favorite video game of the year in January, it took me 3 weeks to finish the complete series of “Miami Vice” in February. Walked in the snow for the first time in my life (and badly injuring my knee during the hike), a disappointing yet unacceptable yearly evaluation at my job would motivate me to change my position.  Unfortunately, the death of the strongest man I knew at the time led me to my new position that I accepted as a tribute to him.  I took this oath to not become reactionary to negativity, it’s not perfect and it’s a work in progress but it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve made so far.  A butterfly migration flew by the city of LA as they were heading towards Mexico, finally had a chance to downsize my mother’s storage as well (after a year or so of her talking about it).  Got invited to a surprise wedding, I was extremely thankful to be included to witness that special moment.  Did a few DJ sets here and there, played my final DJ set at an infamous record store in Los Angeles.  My best friend almost moved out with someone we thought we could trust, turned out to be a blessing in disguise when the person we confided in showed her true colors.  My photography became featured on vinyl for the first time in 2 years with 2 more to come in 2020, extremely grateful and thankful for the opportunities for my work to be shown to the world.

   It was during a trip to Vegas with my best friend and another friend of ours where I decided that I would ask my best friend if she wanted to be a couple, but I decided to wait until our yearly Vegas vacation to do so.  It also crossed my mind on the 15th anniversary of the first time we met, but I realized I was growing impatient so I waited again.  Sadly, we got into a very misconceiving yet unsettled argument the same day our favorite album of 2019 was released.   We secretly attended the album release concert for that album as well, my shots from that show were met with very high praise.  A very popular LA-based producer passed away towards the end of July, one of my photos was used throughout his tributes and memorials which I was very honored for that to happen.  Unfortunately, another commotion between my best friend and I erupted barely a month after our last scuffle.  It was then when I discovered that I had anxiety and panic attacks, in the middle of a concert that I was supposed to shoot.  The shots from that show were subpar at best, but they were still praised with what little I could do.  The day after I revealed to my best friend that I was having anxiety was the day that she ghosted me, since then a big part of me died when that happened and I haven’t been able to fully recover from it.

   The yearly Vegas vacation we usually take was unbearably depressing without my best friend, my mother took her place instead of her and it was the best vacation my mom ever had (still don’t know how to thank her for that). Submitting myself to therapy to deal with anxiety and depression which turned into a wake-up call to my self-confidence, finding the root of my abandonment issues turned to be rooted in a problem that started when I was 14. I also learned about how anger works, not that I have anger problems but my therapist taught me the step-by-step pattern on how it stems into something bigger (it was one of the most impactful lessons from therapy). I became succumbed to my negative thoughts for nearly 2 months, barely acknowledging to realize that I’m still loved and respected by people around me because one person gave up on me. Postponed my yearly trip to Japan by 2 weeks turned out to be the smartest move for me, it allowed me to redeem myself from the last mediocre event and it gave me my confidence back as a photographer. I spent my birthday alone and depressed because I felt undeserved as a person, I realized later on that I did it to myself because I let my self-doubt and loneliness get the best of me on the day I should be celebrating the day of my existence. I talked a close friend out of suicidal thoughts and I also saved another friend’s relationship from disaster 3 times, I still don’t know how I did that. And most importantly, I developed a closer bond with my mother. I found out more about her marriage and divorce with my father than I could ask for, I never realized how hard their relationship was and I admire her strength throughout the whole thing.

  Today, I’m better than I was from the start of the fall. Nothing makes me happier than making other people happy but being happy for myself is one of the hardest things for me to do, being selfish for me is out of the question. I had a promising start of the year and I wanted to have a stronger finish, but the unexpected abandonment left me questioning my self-worth as a person. I have to start learning how to love myself as a person, because deep down I know I’m not a bad guy that gives to everybody hardly ever to myself. I’m terrified to meet new people or to get close to anybody else because of what happened to me and my best friend, it left my life in a standstill. I have accomplished a lot this year, not just through my work but as a person. I’m proud of myself for making a change at my job, it was mentally draining feeling defeated every day. I’m proud of myself for being reliable to those who need me, it shows that good people do exist in the world and even though I don’t know too many that could do what I do it’ll prove that being courteous begins with yourself. I’m proud of myself for advancing in my art despite the 2-month slump in the fall, I do sell myself short when it comes to my craft. I’m proud of myself for admitting that I’m not strong, it’ll give others a chance to await my return. I’m proud of myself for writing down my thoughts during this troubled time, returning to literature is one of the biggest rewards I could ever ask for. Because they’re not for anybody else really, it’s for me.  I don’t do resolutions but my goal next year is to not feel like a failure because I know from the bottom of my heart that I’m not a quitter. Best of luck to whoever stumbled on this, thank you.