It was around February or March where I found myself feeling stuck with certain areas in my life, it was also at this certain time where I felt like being angry was a secondary emotion that I did not need at the time and that I hardly needed a reason to be. I thought to myself, rather than expressing my anger against the person that’s enticing it or towards someone who didn't deserve it then why not just get rid of it altogether? It felt good being at peace at the time where I didn’t need a reason to get tensed up or have my blood boiling for little to no reason, yeah I did get frustrated from time to time but I had no intention of expressing any unnecessary angst or something small or minimal. Even when some ridiculous incidents that followed in the months to come, I still refused to show any kind of anger towards situations that were out of my control. The trick I used was breathing, and asking myself if whatever was upsetting me was really worth this much thought for me to lose sleep over. I never bottled it up because I always found a solution to what I was feeling. The only problem was that I kept this new trait of reasoning to myself and didn't really express it to anybody, not even to my best friend who had been struggling with her career and her emotions at the time. Not intentionally meant to be a secret, but I didn't want anybody to not take me seriously because it was important to me. Unfortunately, telling a particular someone would put this newfound path to the test.
One August night when my best friend and I were in the heat of an argument and my efforts to calm her down were failing, I felt myself starting to feel upset and tensed up by her words. I did not like this uncomfortable feeling at all, and it was at that time when I told her about the oath that I was practicing at the time so I pleaded with her not to emotionally take me where I didn’t want to be. She already made a negligent comment one month earlier that was geared to break me, but even then I fought with my emotions to not react to her hurtful comebacks. It was at that moment when I had expressed to her what my oath was, her initial response was: ”I don't believe you.” She failed to believe that I didn't get angry (or didn't want to), so instead of trying to reason with what the problem was... it felt like she was attacking it. For the first time in a very long time, I started to lose control of my emotions and I was very scared of what was to come next because she didn't know how to stop. It all came down to acts that we would both regret at the end, to this day I still blame myself for everything that transpired. Even though I shouldn't entirely pin the fault on myself, I still do so because we’re not talking today. All because I enabled someone that I trusted and cared for to push me over the limit, and I honestly didn't know what to do.
Even though I had a good streak going on when it came to my own personal stride, I refuse to let losing my best friend make me give up on it entirely. There are moments where I feel like a failure because I failed her (see what I did there?), but it's moments like this that make me continue to ensure that I won’t fail anybody else. Because I’m not really doing this for anybody else, I’m doing this for myself because there are good people in the world so why don’t I start with myself? (but if someone wants to follow in the same steps that I’m doing then please do so). As I stated before numerous times, nobody is perfect. Yes I do get frustrated and things do bother me also I tend to get overwhelmed with the world when it's not in my favor, but I refuse to act out of anger to anyone because it doesn't get anybody anywhere. So please don’t categorize me as something that I’m not, especially at a time when I was trying to better myself. Because I carry no anger in my heart, I really don't.
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