murky waters

  Our relationship has never been concrete from the beginning, I’m one to go with the flow but not one to ride the waves especially if those waters are on unfamiliar territory. Ever since we met, I felt something didn’t seem right because everything about her and my best friend happened SO fast. And usually when fast friendships happen its solidity can deteriorate rather quickly, and I didn’t want that in my life at the time. When it came down to it the only thing we really had in common was that we both cared for our best friend, very much like the relationship between my brother and me when it comes to our mother. From that day forward we weren’t really as close as we should’ve been, whenever topics would come up for me to get to know her better she’d change the subject or refuse to speak on them. Not that I was nosey about her personal life but I’m not going to give my 100% if she wasn’t, to this day I never knew her last name. Both of our fathers had passed away and we had a somewhat similar taste in music, but it wasn’t enough to have a strong connection as it could’ve been. Even though we hung out one or two times alone, it still revolved around my best friend at the end. For the longest time, I couldn’t tell if she was a damsel in distress or a fair-weathered friend because it felt like she always had to be rescued from being a wallflower.  Either way, a strong part of me said to not be TOO attached to her especially if the tides were inconsistent on her end (she would make her social media profile public then private and back to public periodically, sort of a red flag for me).  Not that I never liked her (that’s not it at all), it just felt like I never got the real her.

  An incident occurred between her and my best friend that I didn’t fully understand, even when my best friend told me what had happened the story seemed a bit off in the first place. The now ex-friend unfollowed my best friend on social media at the time to “give her space”, but that jump to conclusions made the situation even worse.  I wanted to give her some time to cool off from what was happening, until one night when my best friend made a sly stab at her ex-friend on social media. It caught the attention of other mutual friends who would message me saying: “Yo! What’s up with your best friend?!” This prompt me to contact the ex-friend myself while I was on vacation of all times, so I could personally get her side of the story without bias. After a 20 minute conversation on FaceTime, I finally saw her side of the story.  Another reason why I reached out to her is also because my best friend & I recently had a fight so I didn’t want her ex-friend to feel alone in this, and maybe that some part of the lashing out probably wasn’t deserved. I came to a mutual conclusion for both of them but it was up to them to follow it, which they somewhat did. They both played a part in the debacle but in the end it was all a misunderstanding, I had to break it down to my best friend about her part in the scuffle and how she played it immaturely in my opinion. I wasn’t upset with her but I told her I was disappointed with how she treated the situation, this actually caused me to hold off taking things further with her at the time.  Even though my best friend understood what my place was in the situation, she still refused to make amends at the time. She grew bitter about her for 18 months, until the ex-friend had the courage enough to approach her the same night things came crashing down on me. When I asked my best friend if she wanted to start over, she said she did because they “didn’t have a proper closure”. I was perfectly fine with it because I could tell that she missed her, and realistically I wanted them to fix what had been broken.

   The roles today has been reversed, the ex-friend got her back while I lost my best friend.  The ex-friend recently made a post saying that she is “no longer going to support people that don’t support me in 2020” and that apparently included me as well, which she doesn’t realize that I had been secretly checking up on her for the past year and a half.  Call me a lurker or a creep if you will, but I had been making sure that she was doing alright ever since she and my best friend had parted ways.  When she talked about missing her father, when she had doubts in her life, when she was fearful during her mother's illness and asked for prayers, when she would practice her favorite songs on her piano, when she went to Las Vegas to see her favorite singer up close and personal, when she rooted for her LA teams, I was there the whole time.  I did this because whenever my best friend would bring her up in conversation, I always knew what the ex-friend was up to.  When the ex-friend used to text her in attempts to rekindle the friendship, I never once said to ignore her but to think about how she is reaching out to her before completely cutting her off again.  But whenever the ex-friend brought her up in conversation, I drifted the subject because I didn’t want to upset her.  The part that kind of gets under my skin is that now that she got my best friend back she basically dismissed me, which is why I didn’t want to be TOO attached to her in the first place.  When she and my best friend weren’t on good terms I had her back in spirit, but now that me and my best friend weren’t looking so good it’s like I don’t even matter anymore.  But it’s like my father used to tell my mother and even my best friend said it to me: “Not everybody thinks like you.”  I just hope it was worth it in the end, even though they both got what they wanted I still wish them the best.

   I would like to take this moment to address that I am not angry, bitter, or jealous about the situation.  Nor am I truly upset about it, this entry was not spoken out of anger nor it was written to despise anyone.  Because anything can change tomorrow, if she/they wanted to fix things I would allow them just like I would anybody else.  I just wanted to make that clear and not leave a nasty impression for anybody to look at this, thank you.