t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

 Apologies are one of the hardest things to give, and more importantly one of the hardest things to get out of your mouth. These three words are in some cases harder to say than: "I Love You" or even "I Hate You". In the past, people always wondered why I always held grudges so for long. A lack of remorse from whoever hurt or offended me was practically why, and to this day I rarely get apologies for that same reason. I wish I had a better understanding of why people never apologize for their actions when running away is so much easier (I probably do I just don’t want to admit it), returning in someone's life hoping that it’s been forgotten instead of asking for forgiveness when the incident occurred in the first place. More times than most, that's the key to a better tomorrow but you can't say that to someone who's too proud to apologize or admit any possible wrongdoing. The bitter side of you could think that they see it as not a big deal when in r...

 Have you ever had a difficult time getting over a situation you knew wasn’t going to go in your favor but you went with it anyway just in case your gut intuitions might be wrong? This was one of those instances where everything surrounding what I encountered didn’t work out for me at all, maybe if I started from the beginning it might all make sense. A friend reached out to me towards the end of November stating that another friend of his who was impressed with my work was looking for a photographer for a huge event coming up in the next few weeks, from the beginning I wasn’t sure if I wanted to attend something like this because I knew something like this wasn’t really for me but I didn’t want to let my friend down either since I was recommended by him because he knew this could open doors for more opportunities in the future. I spoke to the last girl I was involved with about the opportunity that was given to me and she was very persistent in pressuring me to go since she was at...

  12/21 - [THIS IS LENGTHY SO KEEP SCROLLING IF THIS IS TOO LONG FOR YOU] [open letter] I’m writing this today because I don’t want to start the new year without getting this off my chest. If there’s one thing I sincerely regret doing this year is not opening up to those whose words or actions have hurt me, it’s easy to respond to people who have upset us or made us angry but for the life of me, I can’t bring myself to let others know that they let me down. And because of that, in return, it affects my mentals and my well-being for the sake of theirs. One issue that I’ve had is when others don’t want to take account or responsibility for what they say and if I do express my feelings on what was said it’ll more than often land on deaf ears or they’ll treat me differently (as if I’m too sensitive). I know as a man I’m not supposed to “showcase emotions” or “act like things bother me” and that’s not what I’m saying today, it’s the lack of seeing another person’s perspective and unders...

  One of my favorite songs of the year describes the singer wanting to embrace another person’s grace with a slow dance (that’s actually the name of the song too), when I first sat down to hear the song I thought about how the singer spoke about the moment was magical thinking to myself how I never really done something like that.  Coincidentally, I had this when I was listening to another song by another artist talking about not wanting to leave the girl he was stuck on and I somehow thought that this would be a good song to slow dance to (with her).  It was an odd fantasy to have but it was one I knew it was one I would adore, only problem was I wasn't too sure how she would feel about it.  About three weeks after I had that idea in my head I was shooting the concert for one of our favorite singers, and as soon as that song I thought us slow dancing to came on I ran up to find her so I could make this vision a reality.  As soon as I arrived she wasn't there (s...

    It started on a Sunday afternoon when a friend wanted to have dinner in Downtown LA outside of a market, I was picking up random beverages to see what I wanted to go with my meal and I finally selected one after touching about 6 glasses of different juices. The following day I just went to work and came straight back home, same with that Tuesday. But Wednesday I woke up with something in my throat and it was painful to cough, on top of that I noticed that my body started to ache. Since it was the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing I watched Disney’s “Onward” in his honor but I noticed that I wasn’t feeling too hot, I still went to Santa Monica Pier to watch the sunset also in his honor but I noticed that I was starting to feel worse. I usually stay to watch the clouds turn to that beautiful California fuchsia but as soon as the sun was setting I immediately left, the ride home was even more torturous where I couldn’t wait to lay down on my bed. I spent my Thursday lay...

    On the 11th anniversary of my father’s passing, I had a difficult time staying asleep so I decided to stop by the pier to catch the moon touching the water, but when I got there the fog consumed the moon before the sun could arrive. I did manage to stay long enough to watch the sky change colors since the sun was covered by the fog, I was able to witness the birds catching their morning flight stretching their wings as well. On the way back home while I was trying to connect to the next transit, I witness a girl dressed all in black with green hair talking to herself and yelling at bystanders crossing by. I didn’t think much of it until she slapped an older Latina on her right shoulder for no reason, I saw her immediately reaching into her bag ready to arm herself with mace and I walked up to her to say: “Are you okay? Stick by me and nothing will happen to you”. As we boarded the green-haired girl got on before us but nothing was said, I sat across from the Latina as she ...

  What if a new purpose you chose to pursue in life to improve your mental health was seen as a curse to some around you, it’s questions like this that keep me up at night.   Sometimes I have to ask myself if I'm living a lie because nobody believes in me or if I'm seeing a bigger picture that others refuse to acknowledge, more than 2 years strong I'm still convinced that this is the right path for me to continue in my life.   Ever since I took the oath to not become angry or reactive towards others, I could count with one hand the times I've snapped at someone since then which confirms that I've vastly improved in not responding to situations I cannot control.   Unfortunately, doing so made me lose the women closest to me.   Refusing to fight back or respond to their aggressive behavior might've been seen to them as cowardly or downright pathetic, but since when has trying to return to a situation with a clear head vowed as not being responsible?  ...

    A friend spoke to me recently about my yearly Las Vegas trip that I always take on Labor Day, saying to “start new traditions” since I’ll be flying solo and won’t be requesting the aid or the company of anybody else. What they didn’t know was that I was way ahead of them by letting that happen because I made a surprise trip to Hawaii that I revealed much later after I landed back home, I was afraid of others close to me talking me out of going due to what was still going on in the world. I made the change in late July because I came to the hard realization that I’d rather be lonely on an island than to return to a place where heartbreak kept happening, there was no point for me to come back to a place where disappointment kept happening to where I would have no choice but to remember.   As much as I did not want to return to a beautiful place like Hawaii alone I was also anxious to see what was waiting for me to venture on my own, the only thing stopping me was me at ...

    Since the 2nd anniversary of our sudden departure is fast approaching, I feel like I’m at a place where I could speak my mind on how things have been up to this point. From time to time I still get upset with myself for not being patient enough to where things didn’t escalate to where they did, but I also get frustrated with myself for enabling her to make me as angry as she did. Although I do admit my part was nowhere near acceptable but at the same time I’m not sure how anybody else would’ve taken how I was spoken to that night with ease, I honestly did the best that I could before it was taken where it did (especially since I just took an “ oath ” saying that I wouldn’t be angry anymore). Even though I had only mostly opened up to a very select few mutual friends about the situation (no outsiders) it still broke my heart to see that most would “take sides” and favor one over the other, this was completely unintentional and it was not geared for me to seem like the victi...

  Hiking in the mid-2010s was not an enjoyable experience for me because I was always brought out to hike in the most extremist of conditions, whether it was far too hot for my body that I'll overheat with little to no water or far too dark to bring flashlights I barely see at all it’s always been an option for me where I have a question if a want to do it or not (one I would always regret). I did have an enjoyable experience in the snow once, but that was short-lived until I fell and badly injured my knee for me to not even consider hiking ever again. For years someone I was intimately involved with kept saying that she wanted to hike the Hoover Dam and we never got around to going due to many poorly made excuses (mainly because of the heat), but when my guide brought up the hike again shortly after something upsetting was said to me during a solo Vegas trip I decided to take on the challenge. It was a Wednesday afternoon when we began on this mostly flat trail, there were so...

    Good evening cross watcher! Long time no talk, I hope you’re doing all right. I’ve been all right (more or less), I was very sick from the virus for my birthday but I’m thankful to be alive and well today. How about you? I hope you’re well, I hope this new year is treating you well so far. I hope you have goals and looking forward to a brand new start in life, just know that the world is in your hands and nothing can take it away from you (unless you let it). I’m writing to you today to tell you that since you are my only viewer, I’ve decided to close this chapter in my life until further notice. I didn’t like having to speak negatively all the time, this was an unhealthy habit that made me close my previous blog and I caught myself doing it again now. It isn’t fair to you and it isn’t fair to me, I’m not an unhappy person because I’ve had plenty of moments that brought a smile to my face but I won't discuss it (I do the opposite with this blog). Maybe I might come back to...

   Good morning cross watcher!  Have things been treating you well during that Mercury retrograde period?  Remember!  If things didn’t go right you could always blame it on that instead, just kidding.  Did you think of any goals for next year yet?  Please consider taking the time to think of some because I know you can crush them, don’t let anything or anybody stop you from thinking you can’t accomplish anything.  I thought I was going to use this month to talk about the 10th anniversary of my father’s passing (10 years is a long time), but instead, I decided not to because it seems like nobody is really interested in that topic.  I don’t want to drag anybody else into the topic so I’m kinda facing this battle alone because I know nobody else would take this as seriously as I am, there are 2 people I could talk to about it that lost their fathers as well but I’d rather not do that to them.  Everybody is doing their own thing and h...

 We all have to go some time, but have you fulfilled everything you wanted to do in your life? Have you done everything life had to offer? What would you do if you had one last wish before you departed from the earth... and it was denied? Emphysema took my grandmother's life, and I went to see her as much as I could. I received a phone call on a Saturday saying that my grandmother wanted to stop the medication because she did want to rely on a machine for the rest of her life. After receiving that call I wanted to see her on a daily basis before she leaves us. That evening, it was the six of us in the room including my aunt and her daughter/my cousin. Throughout her hospital stay, she couldn't really speak. As we were taking care of her and realizing that her time was running short, she was given the hospital food that nobody could approve of. She asked for French Fries, the simple finger food favorite that millions of Americans eat every day. My aunt wanted to do whatever it t...

     Good morning cross watcher, how have you been?   I’ve been… there.   I’ve been trying to stay busy but I’ve been somewhat lonely at the same time, I kinda don’t want to talk about me right now if that’s okay with you (then why are you here right?).   Really though, how have you been?   Is everything alright?   Are you accomplishing any goals?   Do you have any upcoming goals?   How about goals for next year?   If you’re reading this, you’re doing alright.   Keep going, you’re heading towards the right direction to what you should be doing and don’t let nothing stop you.   You got this, I got your back.   These are words I haven’t heard in months, even from those closest to me.   Let me give you the background of what I’m about to post, this is my 150th entry for this blog site that was originally going to be posted on the one year anniversary that blog started.   But I thought I was writing it out of fr...

   Good evening cross watcher! How was your August? Mine was hectic, mentally exhausting. I’m not even sure if you care about me anymore but thanks for checking up on me anyway, I do appreciate it a lot it tells me that this blog matters to SOMEONE. I see that “area code 619” was view a few times, an interesting story isn’t it? Can I cut to the chase and tell you another story that took place 3 weeks later?   Someone once told me that flowers make everything better, that it’ll brighten anybody's day… tell that to my mother who doesn’t like flowers. When they randomly and out of nowhere brought them over and told me that they were for her, not only did it surprise her but me as well. My mother accepted these flowers and said thank you, we had to dig up a vase from underneath the kitchen (didn’t know we had it) to put them up. When my mother revealed where she wanted to place them, that was when I kinda had a look into the future. She said that she wanted it placed next to ...

    Good evening cross watcher!   I know it’s been a minute since you last heard from me (a month to this day actually) so I’m sorry to keep you waiting but I hope you’re doing alright and you are in good health.   I know you’ve been checking up on me every day (I check my view counter every day and it passed 1000 this week!), I’d like to share a little story with you really quick if you don’t mind.    Back in June a friend of mine expressed that she had not been to San Diego in 7 years and when she said this it had dawned on me that my previous trip there wasn’t a fun one either, so we both made the impulsive decision to book a trip there so we can explore San Diego for the night.   We spent the afternoon walking around Gaslamp Quarter (that’s where we booked the room), paid a visit to Chicano Park, walked near the convention center, and things of that sort.   We spent the day just talking about the errors of our past, the struggles within our he...