t.i.c.k. (the inner cognitions of kaiography)

   My birthday landed on Thanksgiving this year, and this was 6th time since my birth that it’s landed on this extra special day.   Thanksgiving is a day to be with family and to cherish those in your life while celebrating those who have supported you in your life throughout the year, imagine having that and your day of birth as a bonus.   But all that was put on hold since things took a turn for the worst towards the end of the summer, leaving me feeling undeserving up until my special day.   Even though I do keep my birthday a secret from everybody, this is the first time I ever felt truly isolated and alienated from the world due to my internal fears telling me I’m not respected.   Having my best friend departing from my life left a big hole in my heart around this time, she might not have had the best gifts but I always looked forward to her trying.   She and my mother were the only 2 to every knew the exact date, and that’s was all I needed....

   How do you know something is (or isn’t) worth fighting for?   Because for the longest time, my biggest fear was being one of those “on again off again couples”.   I’d hate to run into someone that I haven’t seen in years only for them to ask me how long I’ve been with my girl and my reply would be that we’ve been together again for 6 months now because we broke up a lot here and there for the past 10 years.   Even though for years I always thought she was worth fighting for, but with her my biggest opponent when it came to this was her doubts.   It would always be a constant and tiresome battle whenever things didn’t seem right and she would be so quick to just want to quit the relationship (or any relationship for that matter), so convincing her to stay was always another challenge.   She once stated that being around me at times felt like walking on eggshells, but when things were awry with her on my end it was more like being on thin ice. ...

   Whenever my birthday comes around, my mother is always the one person I could rely on to get me a gift.   She was always the one to go the extra mile to try to make my day a little more special, but realistically the older I got the more I look forward to a card from her.   Also, the older I got the harder it was for her to figure out what I wanted for my birthday.   It was to the point to where she and my best friend had to go back and forth to figure out what I wanted (or what I didn’t buy for myself yet).   I try to do that to show my mother that I didn’t have to depend on her for material gifts all the time (and I never wanted to break her budget), the problem I learned with that is I always go above and beyond for everybody that a lot of time I don’t let them go above and beyond for me (but a lot of times they just don’t in general).   This was something I recently failed to acknowledge, and I had to see it from the person that gave birth ...

   She knew I was on the fence about getting something in particular, she knew I wanted a certain something for a while but I couldn’t think of 3 attachments for it I really wanted at the time so I waited.   She was also afraid that I would probably just play it once and it’ll collect dust overall, knowing me that wasn’t going to be the case… until much later.   Once Christmas passed I was satisfied with the gifts that she gave me (I’m just thankful to get anything from anyone really), but she wanted to reveal something to me nearing the end of the year.   Her true intentions were to get me a Nintendo Switch, but she wasn’t sure if I was going to like it.   I was more impressed that she had it in her heart to get me the switch then her actually getting it, because she had never really done something like that before.   Ever since she said that I had been thinking about it even more, I just went ahead and got it for myself a few days later.   ...

Watching cancer take her life to the last line Jack was the one telling you everything's fine It impacted everybody, even mine I knew she was gone by the sunshine Having your queen gone couldn't be anymore true Denying that this is your life a new No more "hello's" or "how are you?" Something to this day that I would rue It was hard for us to speak, not even a peep You were in too much pain, never knew how deep Our conversations will be something I will forever keep As your soul vanished away in your sleep I needed closure to you not being here, asked the giver Hoping you didn't suffer, I beg to differ A peaceful slumber was something I'd prefer But when I read why you left it said... Deferred ------------------------------------------------ Archived from my Live Journal that was posted 5 years ago tonight, reposted on the 9th anniversary of my father's passing.

   Sometimes things in life hurt so bad that you don’t want to revisit them, so you put them way down in the deepest part of your brain so you could eventually forget about it like it was something in your basement.   I do this practice with the people that I care about in particular, not to the point to where they can walk all over me but I become extremely passive to them because we are all human and we all make mistakes…. but I never question how far is too far.   And one big problem that I have is: when to address it.   Since I have a problem addressing uncomfortable topics (a.k.a. when my feelings are hurt), I hold on to them for too long until the topic becomes “old news” or “are we talking about that again”?      One of my biggest regrets in life is not telling my father how much he’s hurt me with what he had become, I never told him because it would destroy him.   I know if I told him that I was upset and disappointed having...

   I have traveled to the land of the rising sun 5 times, the interesting part is that every odd number of trips I was accompanied with my best friend.   But this time around because of our scuffle I’m taking this odd-numbered adventure alone, which feels uneven to say the very least.   Because during our first trip was to scratch off our bucket list saying that we went and I fell in love with it so much that I went back again without her.   But she joined again only to decline the trip the following year, you see how this makes sense?   I know all this sounds confusing but rather than explaining why she’s not here, let me explain why this doesn’t feel right to me.    During our first trip to Japan was practically journeyed blindly, getting lost was not only fun but it was frustrating as well.   Google Maps wasn’t doing us any favors either getting us lost and everything felt so far everywhere, we didn’t get used to the time differen...

   Nobody lives forever and we all know that, but 15 years ago tonight (11/1/04) that I saw firsthand that one of the people responsible for bringing me into this world might not be here much longer than I thought.      It was a Monday night when my father picked me up from my house to go out for his birthday, but within minutes of picking me up he delivered some disturbing news I wasn’t prepared for.   According to him, he spent his Halloween in the hospital.   Coughing and throwing up blood from his severe drinking, that upset me to know that his drinking had gotten worse at the time.   But as he was telling me this, he asked me where the nearest liquor store was.   And when I told him he parked his car to run in and run out with a small bottle of Jack Daniels, that felt like a shot to the heart.   How could you tell me that you’re getting sick from drinking and turn around a buy the same thing that’s killing you?   I nev...