Whenever my birthday comes around, my mother is always the one person I could rely on to get me a gift. She was always the one to go the extra mile to try to make my day a little more special, but realistically the older I got the more I look forward to a card from her. Also, the older I got the harder it was for her to figure out what I wanted for my birthday. It was to the point to where she and my best friend had to go back and forth to figure out what I wanted (or what I didn’t buy for myself yet). I try to do that to show my mother that I didn’t have to depend on her for material gifts all the time (and I never wanted to break her budget), the problem I learned with that is I always go above and beyond for everybody that a lot of time I don’t let them go above and beyond for me (but a lot of times they just don’t in general). This was something I recently failed to acknowledge, and I had to see it from the person that gave birth to me to realize this.
I’ve been wanting (not needing) an iPad for over a year, I came to the realization that it was obsolete after certain key apps were no longer running. My best friend actually offered to buy one for me sometime over the summer but I declined because I didn’t feel comfortable for someone paying that kind of money on me, then when I reconsidered the sale ended and the prices spiked back up to its regular price (bummer). But I really wanted to get one for my mother since it was a hand me down/Mother’s Day gift so I could get my new one... from 6 years ago. I buckled down and got one for my mom, I was thrilled to see her happy with her new toy and it got me to want one as well. The next day I wanted her to come with me to get my iPad just so she could browse to through cases, but she had it in her mind to buy me an iPad herself (but I wasn’t going to allow that because I didn’t want her spending that kind of money on me). When it came to paying for it I slipped my payment through before she had the chance, I wanted to show her that I could pay for it but this upset her more than I thought. I noticed that she was quiet and didn’t really feel like speaking, until we got in the car and I saw something I didn’t think I would.
My mother’s eyes were watery, then when I looked down her cheek I saw tears coming down her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said nothing, I asked her if she wanted to talk about it she said no. No matter what was troubling her, she wouldn’t budge (she’s always been like that). She kept saying it was “tension”, but a part of me wasn’t buying it. This is the first time I’ve ever seen my mother cry over something that I did, how could something I thought was right turn out to be wrong? I understand that I’m difficult to shop for sometimes, but I didn’t want her to break her bank on me when I could do it myself (or to make it seem like I was taking advantage of her). Maybe I don’t know how to accept gifts, gestures or compliments from other people. I’m so used to giving to everybody else that I don’t know how to receive for myself, because I’m too concerned with everybody else’s happiness rather than my own. It feels at times that my mom is all I got because she really doesn’t have anybody else, so I’m more concerned with taking advantage of her time rather than her money. And it feels at times that I’m all my mom has so I’m trying to make her life after retirement to be as easy as possible, I want her to spend her money on the things on making her happy… I failed to realize that I might be one of those things. So denying her opportunity to make me happy broke her, and I understand that now… and I’m sorry for it. Seeing her tear up is something I never want to her, and seeing her tear up over something I did breaks me to no end.
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