My birthday landed on Thanksgiving this year, and this was 6th time since my birth that it’s landed on this extra special day. Thanksgiving is a day to be with family and to cherish those in your life while celebrating those who have supported you in your life throughout the year, imagine having that and your day of birth as a bonus. But all that was put on hold since things took a turn for the worst towards the end of the summer, leaving me feeling undeserving up until my special day. Even though I do keep my birthday a secret from everybody, this is the first time I ever felt truly isolated and alienated from the world due to my internal fears telling me I’m not respected. Having my best friend departing from my life left a big hole in my heart around this time, she might not have had the best gifts but I always looked forward to her trying. She and my mother were the only 2 to every knew the exact date, and that’s was all I needed.. was them. I typically spend my birthdays alone so I could commemorate and be thankful for the accomplishments I’ve endured throughout the past year, but this year it turned into the loneliest birthday I’ve ever had since the year that my father passed… which his funeral was the day before.
It started off rough to begin with when earlier that week I made my mother cry because I refused to let her buy me an expensive gift, that was something else to add to my conscience throughout the week. Seeing all the happy families on social media kind of damps my spirits too, because I wish we were happier as a family. My sister who I’m not in speaking terms with mass texted my brother and I wishing us a Happy Thanksgiving, my brother responded saying “Happy Earth Day” in the same mass text. Declining to accept our history, I refused to respond to either of them which angered my brother enough not to speak to me for the rest of the day. Thanksgiving dinner was pleasant, quiet but pleasant. Very little that was said, very little was said what we were thankful for. I spent most of the day depressed in my bed battling loneliness and seeing other people happiness on my phone, as happy as I was to see others be with their loved ones I didn’t feel the same for myself. My favorite part of the day was my mother was determined about getting me cupcakes (because I know she and my brother likes them too), but when I came back to throw away the wrapper she had a cake on display for me. That was the nicest surprise for the night.
I told myself shortly after I got the cake from my mother that I never wanted to feel this empty on my birthday ever again, especially on Thanksgiving which is once every 6 years. I blame myself for feeling this miserable on my birthday this year, because I don’t give anybody else a chance to make me happy. I deserve to treat myself better than what I did, it was something I failed to realize and something I didn’t think was important until my own birthday.
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